I see my relationship with her family and her family with my kids as one and the same thing. I don't know if what I said makes sense because I don't analyze it that way. It just is.
My kids only have me and their mother as family in our area. There are no relatives that live nearer. My youngest daughter has very few friends. I'm a believer in keeping touch with family and making an effort with them regardless of whether they're blood related, in-laws, or no longer related by marriage. It's something I've always done, to stay in contact.
No one is saying for you to change this.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
So let me give some context. This is not the first time this has happened. I took the kids to see the same cousin a few months ago and that upset her.
So let her be upset.. but for you to call her about it won't change anything. And it seems like it scared you so you did following.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
So when this happened again, I worried about her throwing a spanner in the works and telling my kids not to see her family if they're with me.
Yeah and tried to control it. But you can't. Even though you called - she could still tell the kids that. What you CAN control is still visiting them regardless of what mom says. Did your daughter say she didn't want to see her family because of what mom said? Did she say that family visits now stress her out.?? How could you have handled that differently??
Originally Posted by Drh2001
At no point did I curse her out, so I think the accusation of disrespect is a bit of a tall order here.
Are you familiar with Gottman and the 4 horsemen that destroys communication. It doesn't include cursing.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
When the kids are with me, who I see is my own business and not hers.
You made it her business when you called her to talk about it. Don't you see that? It could have just been an upset feeling... but you took it so much farther.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
I don't see controlling a situation as being such an awful thing especially in this instance. Would you rather I didn't control and just succumb to whatever her desires are for any given day? I don't really get it. Would you rather I not speak to this relative anymore because it hurts her and crosses boundaries? Never mind that she had sex with a stranger in a hotel and went on to have an affair while living with me and my kids. That too me is disrespect not my being righteously upset with her.
My hope is to see that you could have stayed true to yourself without showing your XW anything. You could have continued on the trip w/o engaging in a conversation at all with her. You could continue relationships w/o saying anything to her at all. You did not need to send that email - you could just live it in daily interactions.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
Never mind that she had sex with a stranger in a hotel and went on to have an affair while living with me and my kids. That too me is disrespect not my being righteously upset with her.
I am asking how you feel you were being morally right and fair (the meaning of righteous). Is it morally right to tell someone what they deserve? You get to be upset with what she did to you. You get to create distance and protect yourself w/ boundaries. There are great books to help you communicate them effectively (a complete 180 from how you currently are). Unfortunately you do NOT get to tell someone what they deserve in this world. It is one thing to say it out of anger... another to believe it at it's core. Which do you feel is true for you?
I hope you can find a safe way to process all this pain. I truly understand how hard this all is...
