the thing is, he probably has this idea of what things are going to be in terms of settlements. the distance between reality and their beliefs is pretty far, from what I've read of others' situations as well as what I experienced myself. Again, the Divorce Remedy chapter on MLC was so very helpful to me during this time. I highly recommend you get the book and keep it handy - do NOT let him know anything about it. This is a resource for you ...
I get it. I really do. I was absolutely devastated when my husband left. He was textbook MLC. It's taken me many, many years for the hurt to lessen. Oh the questions I had - was it all a lie? 26 years? more than half our lives. Did he ever really love me? How could he throw away our home, our family, call the hurt he caused our son collateral damage? Who was this person who looked like my beloved husband but behaved in a way so antithetical to everything he'd ever professed to believe or hold dear? To make matters worse, I'd have these glimpses of my dear husband at the most unexpected times, like he was in there but the alien who took over his body wouldn't let him out completely.
I couldn't sleep. I couldn't keep food in my system for the longest time. Sometimes I still can't believe I survived it. But I did, thanks in no small part to the kind folks here. I kept it from my friends except for a tiny few (maybe three) for months. I kept it from my parents for months. I found that once people knew, everyone was full of thoughts about how I should handle it. Well, the truth is, that was how THEY would handle it. I had to figure out what worked for me. It took a while. Getting a life of my own felt so bizarre, but it really helped. Giving myself space and time to really think about what was most important to me helped. Who was I separate from my husband and my marriage? I'm glad I gave myself the time to figure that out. What were my core values? I sat with that for a long time. A couple were obvious and constant, but there were also a couple that I hadn't really considered core values until I really focused on that concept. I deepened my meditation practice to the best of my ability. I allowed myself to grieve. I'm still grieving, but I feel like it's part and parcel of losing my mom two months ago. Losing her and finally being able to fully grieve my dad who passed two years ago has brought up other significant losses, like our marital home and my marriage. The grief around the home and marriage is nowhere near as soul crushing as it was, thank God, but it still must be felt, processed and worked through.
I guess my point is that none of this happens overnight, nor is it linear. You will have moments when you're doing better than you ever thought you could, then you'll have a set back. It's ok. It's normal and all part of the process. We're here for you. You aren't alone. You will be ok. You will get through this. It will be hard, but you will get through it. I promise. xoxoxoxo
