My heart aches for you as I also know some of what you are feeling. I’m about a year and a half ahead of you. I remember like it was yesterday the enormous pain and confusion you are feeling right now. Do trust us that it will get easier to deal with. But also be patient with yourself and realize that everything you are feeling is normal and expected. Read enough situations on here and you will see that the journey begins for all of us with confusion, pain and turmoil. Your life and your love as you know it has been snatched away from you in the cruelest way possible.
In my journey I tried to make sense of it all by reading everything thing I could about MLC. I needed to make sense of it so I could fix it. Or justify it. Or explain it. I churned on this for a while. Was my H in a MLC? Seems likely. Is he a covert narcissist? I also think so. Was is affair an exit affair? Possibly? Was he ever the man I loved? I don’t know. Truth is I see my H in all of these scenarios. I was looking for answers but there are not any. I honestly will never know or understand why he did what he did (and is doing), and I’ve had to accept that. I wanted to badly to find the answers so I wouldn’t feel like it was me. I also realized I did try, and I was a good wife. Along the way I realized that I also didn’t have the marriage or relationship I thought I had. So even though the journey ahead of you is hard and scary, it also is one that will help you discover some answers, yes, cause more confusion, yes, but mostly it will help you to discover what you want for your own future. Without your H. Because that is all you can control. That is really the only thing that matters now.
I know you want him back and you want everything to be as it was. But its gone. It’s never going to be what it was again. It’s worse than death in my eyes because the H you see looks like your H and sometimes acts like him, and that is there to remind you of the loss. This is also why detaching is important. You need room and time to grieve. Take it. Feel it and go through it. Know it won’t last forever unless you ignore it. But it’s not an instant thing. There is no established timeline on how long it will take.
I’ve come to the point where I don’t want my H back. Even if he came to me today. Because this person he is today is not the kind of person I want in my life as a friend or H. The OW is a past GF. She left her MR of 29 years. She isn’t attractive, she has all kinds of issues, etc. She is no catch. They both destroyed two families to live their college fantasy. And there is nothing about her that makes sense. But then again, he’s acting from his college days personality. They both are. That castle will fall as its built on lies, deceit and destruction. I have not interfered at all. And I am not speaking yet to her H. I may someday. But right now, I don’t want any part of their fall. I want my H to see for himself the choices he’s made. I don’t do this for any chance of reconciliation. Or revenge. I do it because its the only way that he will fully learn from his own choices. And the part of me that still loves him wants him to learn and grow for himself. Also, it is true that the more you get involved, the more you push them together. So stop talking to the OW’s H. That is getting involved and it also keeps the relationship in your daily consciousness. Stay away from anything that involves them. Also, no worthy woman would have an affair with a married man. So of course she is a lesser woman than you. You are the wife. She can’t compete. Go live your life. Move forward as if there is no going back. Because there is no going back…
That isn’t to say there is no hope. There is no hope for MR 1.0. He destroyed that. But someday, if he comes to his senses, you both can work on MR 2.0. It does happen. But do you want to sit by and wait years to see if it will happen? Some people never exit a MLC. You can still stand for your marriage but move forward with your own life. Do that. Do what will bring you joy regardless of if he comes back. Do it for you. Do it in case he never comes back.
If you haven’t found Hearts Blessings MLC website, you may want to google it. She has passed on and I’m not sure how long the site will be up, but there is a lot of content there that might help you understand what is happening. It helped me.
I am currently feeling many ups and downs. My struggles started about 2 years before BD, and I’m about a year and half after. My feelings ebb and flow. I was listening to a podcast today and it discussed how everything in life ebbs and flows. The tides, renewal of seasons, waves, growth cycles. Everything. This time is also a season. It will run its course and you will enter a new season a different person. I know it hurts like hellll, and it’s suckkkkks. But it will ebb and flow. There will be change. Sometimes you will have to surrender and just let the tide take you, but when you feel the strength, swim. Swim for your life and your future. Your H is a sinking ship. He destroyed your life together. But you still have your own life and your future to make your own.
Also, it helped me to see my H as Orig-H (the man I fell in love with) and MLC-H (the man he is today). I couldn’t reconcile them being the same person. So, I can grieve Orig-H while still dealing with MLC-H.
