Joshua… I WISH I was 34 when all of this happened to me. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now but your W has given you a gift. You have so much time to find that person who is compatible with you and wants the same things you want.

Your description of your marriage does not sound like one that most people would want to be in. Communication, honesty, loyalty, affection…all really important. You don’t sound like you had any of these things and that you were more in love with the person you thought your W could be than who she actually was. Frankly, your W just sounds really immature and likely is someone who was way more in love with the idea of getting married than she was with being married. Not unusual for someone in their mid-20’s. That is still really, really young…in particular with she was still living at home. That period of independence between parents’ home and marital home is so, so important for emotional development. Maybe not in everyone’s case but definitely in most.

Your W has made it very, very clear in her behaviour that she is not interested in saving your marriage. You’ve been apart for over a year and only talked on three occasions? In the meantime she has been living at home and dating OM? If you had a friend in this same situation, what advice would you give to him? Your wife may not have filed for divorce but she did send you papers to sign. She hasn’t pursued you signing them because 1) she has made her feelings clear by giving you papers and 2) she has no real reason to at this point. You can bet that if she starts thinking about marrying someone else, she will be knocking on your door or sending you emails through her lawyer.

My question to you is… Why haven’t you signed them? Do you really, in your heart of hearts, believe she is coming back? Even if that were true, a divorce does not prevent someone from returning and asking for another chance. By not signing them though, you are clearly telling her you are still hanging on and she could return anytime she wants and that she is in charge of what happens. She has no urgency or reason to do anything one way or the other. In the meantime, life is passing you by while you live in limbo.

I agree with what others have advised. You need to ask yourself how much more of your life you are willing to give up waiting around for something that is highly unlikely to happen. Another year? Two years? Five years? Because you could give it ten years and the only thing that will be different is that you will be 44 and starting over instead of 34. Do not waste those years my friend. I am 53 and agree with what LH said, the years between 34 and now are a blur and seem more like 10 years than 20 years. Life is way too short to be spending it pining away for someone who treated you poorly and has clearly moved on.

Sorry…I hate to sound harsh but you need to really come to terms with the reality of this situation. You still have plenty of time to build that life you want with someone who wants the same things. If you knew, 100% for sure, that you would meet that person in the next year or two and in five years, you would be living your best life with a supportive wife who loves you and a couple of kids you love more than life, would you still choose to hang onto your W or would you sign those papers? If your answer is the latter, than I submit to you that what is keeping you from moving on is fear and not love. Embrace the fear Joshua. Free yourself from your situation and get started on making that new amazing life for yourself!!