One trick I used - I wrote some advice or a sentence to myself on a piece of paper and put it in my pocket. If things were going badly or I was starting to have too much trouble maintaining my composure, I’d excuse myself to go to the bathroom and pull that paper out and read it. It would help me pull myself back together.
Look good, keep your expectations to zero. If he lingers too long and it’s getting too intense, tell him you’re sorry but you have yo leave, you’re meeting a friend for lunch/dinner/ whatever. Or just walk out the door when he does, get in your car and drive off. Mysterious.
My experience was different from Don’s. With the help of a good friend who had known us both for 20 years, I was able to eventually see my ex’s narcissistic nature - and it explained a LOT. Once I took off my rose colored glasses, the pieces started to fall together. Sometimes you don’t realize you’re the frog being boiled until you jump into the cold water. Men I have dated since my divorce have shown me by comparison the things I was tolerating in my marriage.
One example - my ex was a fat nazi. He’d badmouth fat patients. He wanted me to lose weight when I was 5’6” and 118 lbs - and I was underweight! I look back at photos and my ribs were sticking out! The men I’ve dated since have celebrated my curves.
Do think in advance about what a genuine attempt in his part to fix this would look like, and don’t settle for less. Him getting his own place, seeing a therapist or going to AA, giving you transparency to his phone and email is what a truly remorseful response might look like.
