Cathy, there are unfortunately no shortcuts to any of this. You have to muddle through as best you can. Those in IHS always think it would be easier in physical separation. Those physically separated struggle with not having contact and not being able to "show" changes. There is no one is better than the other, unfortunately.

But you have to stop being his wife. He has fired you from that role. You can characterize it as "not being able to not take care of him". But in reality, it is your fear telling you that if you aren't "nice" then he will leave. Fear is your enemy, it will cause you to do thing that bring about exactly what you fear! Nicing him back by taking care of him is only reinforcing to him that he wants to move on. Your best next step is to STOP being his wife, stop taking care of him. Let him see what life is like without Cathy playing his wife. Stop letting him cake eat.

I believe there is a book for "nice girls" just like there is one for nice guys. Look for No More Mrs. Nice Girl or a similar book. It will teach you about trying to be "nice" in order to "deserve" better treatment, better relationships, etc.

I am starting to repeat previous advice so I will stop for now. But until you are ready to change your dynamic, your dynamic will not change.