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I swear I am going to study this one day, the bomb drop diet is awfully effective! I suspect it's the large amounts of adrenaline we pump out - like being on speed. If you want to keep the weight off though you will need to adopt healthier eating habits and keep up the exercise. If you still have a lot of weight to lose, check out Eat Like A Bear (simple) or the Obesity Code (detailed) - similar approaches though.


Sounds like he's an alcoholic who has gone off the rails. I recommend the small book The Courage to Change. It's an Alanon book, easy to read, each page is a separate idea, you can open it up anywhere and just read that page. A friend who is in a 12 step program gave it to me when my husband left. Neither of us were drinkers, but the book was very helpful anyway.


I'm not so sure I agree with your attorney. Sure, if you're not working right now H will owe more in temporary support, that's good. But when it comes to the divorce, you may well be assigned "imputed income" - that is, income that you COULD be making if you went back to work - based on your last career. And as a woman in her 50's, the longer you are out of the job market, the harder it is to get back in. If you can get back into the career you had at similar good money, I would do that. If you're never likely to make such good money again, I'd take a job you can do and can get, and if it's less than you were making before, then H will owe you more spousal support, and you'll be better off than if they imputed the last income you had into the calculations. Discuss this with your lawyer. But it's almost always better to be in a position where you don't have to rely on payments from your H, just in case he doesn't come through.


I know this may sound like what I'm saying also - but not really. Get the divorce done, yes, he will only get less generous as time goes on and you want to protect your finances. Striking while he still might feel a little guilt is good. But getting divorced does not mean that you won' get back together - you might. If it will happen, it's a lot more likely to happen if you're out there living an interesting, unexpected life, looking fabulous, maybe with a new hair color or haircut! Nobody ever won their spouse back by clinging and pleading and waiting and hoping. Some have won them back by being strong, having good boundaries, and making the WAS see the consequences of their choices sooner rather than later.

As I posted, my ex is long gone. But when he had his affair a few years before he left, I successfully DBd him by letting go, starting to go out with my girlfriend all dressed up and being mysterious (" where are you going?" "Dancing!" - really just going out for dinner or coffee), focusing on myself, and starting to train for a climb of Mt. Whitney. By the time the climb came around, he wanted to go with me and the marriage was back on. We actually had several good years after that before his final MLC, helped out by a few concussions.

Most WASs want to seamlessly go into their affair partner's arms, but have you as "mommy" still waiting at home in case they change their mind. Hence your H's shocked "why did you file?" . Umm, because you're living with another woman???? Don't sit on the shelf. Get out and live your life. If you honestly think he might come back, then don't date until you're sure he won't or finally divorced. But don't let him know that! It's fine to let him think you might be dating - funny how they don't want us but don't want anyone else to have us either! If you do get back together then you can let him know you weren't actually dating. Sometimes they don't know how much they actually want their spouse until they confront the idea that leaving means YOU might date another GUY!. (When my ex had his affair, I was driving with him in the passenger seat one day, and he picked up my phone and started quizzing me about the unknown numbers in my call list. All suspicious, like I might be cheating - me, who had never given it a moment's thought in all our marriage. I had to point out that the unknown number was our auto mechanic. Talk about projection!)

Your situation is complicated by his alcoholism though, so even if he wants to come back, getting treatment or attending AA should be a pre-requisite.


Let go or be dragged. Find yourself again. Plan big things for this new life of yours, and if he comes back, you'll have a fabulous new life he can join in. If he doesn't, well - you have a fabulous new life!


It's not too late to learn! And can be a good distraction to have a challenge to focus on that has nothing to do with your H or the marriage. Go for it!! I discovered that you cannot be unhappy when you are drumming Highway to Hell - the two things cannot exist in the same space.


Also - since he is an alcoholic - if you can get sufficient assets in the divorce to cover what he would otherwise owe in alimony, take that. It wasn't feasible in my divorce, but it would have been much better for our post-divorce interactions if he could have just given me a lump sum instead of alimony. Writing that check every month just made him so resentful (even though it was a completely fair amount) that he stuck me with every other possible expense that our young adult children needed help with (as if alimony was child support, which it is nOT).. And although my ex has been regular with the alimony checks, not everyone can be counted on for that - especially if he's an alcoholic. He might go so far down the alcoholic rabbit hole that he loses his job and can't continue paying your alimony. It's a safer bet to get the lump sum if you can. If you do take alimony, make sure you have a life insurance policy on him to cover it if he dies.

And no - don't talk to him about your surgery, in fact, stop chatting with him at all. Let him wonder what you are doing, let him feel your absence. Right now he's cake-eating.