I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. I know how painful and confusion it all is.
This is a wonderful safe place. There are many fine people here with much hard earned wisdom.
Breathe. Just breathe. You will get through this. (((Hugs)))
It is good that you have been reading. As you have probably discovered MLC is a terrible thing. It sounds like your H displays many traits and behaviours that correlate with a person in crisis. A completely different person, an alien, confused, uncaring, and of course an affair.
A mid life crisis is about the MLCer; not their spouse. Realize that. H’s pain and running is because of some trauma(s) that occurred when he was young. Long before you ever even met him. Those long ago terrible events likely happened from a person in a position of authority over young child H.
As a child, they are incapable of understanding or coping with what happen. They are far too emotionally immature to understand such horrible things. That pain gets buried in their young psyche, and forgotten about.
Then around midlife, the pressures of career, mortality, kids growing up, empty nest, aging parents, dying parents or grandparents, and so on, whatever it may be, triggers something inside them. The long ago trauma(s), pain, and torment bursts forth. And this time it will not be denied!
The forgotten trauma(s), these demons, ceaselessly torment the poor soul. It eats away, driving them further and further. They do not understand or know, why or what is happening to them. Their lives become driven by their painful emotions.
Such a troubled life demands a reason; and they will find one. Realize the MLCer cannot be the cause, seriously they just cannot, their fragile psyche would shatter. Therefore they look for someone to blame. And there we are, their loving spouse, totally unaware of the pain bubbling up from within them. Slowly, it poisons their mind and heart. Until they reach a breaking point and just blow up everything. The bomb drop event.
From initial trigger which digs up their buried past, until BD is usually 18-24 months. When looking back I suspect you will be able to recall H being somewhat off during the last two years.
A few things for you right now, today.
This is not about you.
You did not break H, therefore you cannot fix him.
Once a person enters their crisis, they have to finish it. H is on his timeline. He has unrealized and unreconciled events and pain from his childhood which he needs to work through. These past trauma(s) stunt the emotional development of the person, and they get emotionally dragged back to that time. And they need to grow up from that point.
A MLCer will not listen to any such diagnosis or explanation. To them, the LBS is the cause. Remember, they cannot handle any kind of blame upon themselves. MLCers absolutely believe they have finally found the truth. Yet, they run.
So, breathe. Focus on you.
You have the gift of time, use it well.
Stella, I know and empathize where you are at. Four years ago my W had an affair, and threw away our four children like they were old clothes. Literally stepping over them as they cried on the floor.
You can ask me anything you like. I will support you and give you the best advice I can.
For today, breathe, and know you are among friends. Tomorrow we can discuss standing, dwindling hope, faith, running behaviours, the emotional side of this, the business side of this, and anything else you’d like. Although it will take some time, there is plenty of information.
