Although I haven't seen where Michele specifically addressed "going dark" as one of her techniques, it IS a very popular and effective tool to produce results (both good AND bad), and I felt that it needed to be addressed in a thread for easier reference to all. I'm hoping that many much wiser then me will add their wisdom here.
For me, going dark was both a blessing and a curse.
In my pre-DB'ing days, during our separation, going dark was kind of a natural thing for me. It helped to take me out of the chaos, and was pretty effective for causing both my wife and I to miss each other. Every 4 to 6 weeks, we'd get together, and I'd spend a couple of nights at the house with her. However, after a couple of days, I had enough. The same old crap was going on, nothing had changed, and I'd end up leaving again.
During my last period of darkness that lasted a couple of months was when she found the om. I left her alone for just a bit too long it seems.
My last period of darkness was the most effective for me and our relationship. I had been on the board for a couple of months, and knew a lot of the basics. Then, the bomb dropped. Although I thought I handled the initial reaction fairly well, I had to take myself out of the picture to regroup, and to prevent from doing any further damage. I was a mess, but the kind and loving people here on this board helped to pick me up, and to start getting myself back together.
During the next 6 weeks, I participated in, and dedicated myself to, the KLA discussion group Michele had going at the time. By doing this, I was better able to focus on what changes had to be made to be more effective the next time I went "light", and learned some of the skills it was going to take to get there.
Although things by NO means went smoothly, that period of dark time was used effectively, and I had much better results. I saw what things I could change, and how I really didn't need the cooperation of my wife to do it.
Going dark can be a great way to make your partner miss you, and to draw their attention back to you. In and by itself, though, it can't KEEP them there with you.
If you are constantly persuing and bothering them, it's a great way to take the pressure off of them, and it's a "doing something different".
If you were guilty of being withdrawn and emotionally neglectful during the R, it can be a "more of the same" behavior, and could do more harm then good.
I'll stop for now, and let others add their thoughts, comments, and questions.
I've read a bit of this thread, but not all of it, but I want to put in my 2 cents. I've written this all before, but my threads have all been purged it seems, and those that still exist are buried so deep that I'm an unknown. But this is what I've learned...
Going dark is the most over-rated technique I've seen listed on the board at all. To me, it is the epitome of the LRT. If you are not ready to do a LRT, do not go dark!
To me, Michele has only one thing to say in all her books... "If what you are doing is not working, do something else. If what you do does work, do more of it!!!" If you are in an uncommunicative marriage, and you go dark, you are doing more of what doesn't work. Period.
I busted my divorce when I finally in an angry, frustrated outburst, proclaimed that I refused to live with the OM's girlfriend anymore. Up to that point, I "went dark" while she still lived at home. I let her do what she wanted. I didnt' protest her coming home at 2,3, 4, 5 am. I snooped in all her email, and I knew exactly -- in graphic detail --- what she was doing in the wee hours, but I remained silent. When I finally received a letter from her attorney telling me to hire my own and to "proceed with negotiations toward a divorce", I finally voiced all my opinions. Some time later, when I had had enough of her coming home at all hours, and I told her to move out, because I was finished with "living with OM's girlfriend", she responded that she never knew I felt that way, and agreed to stop seeing him, postponing the lawyer's action, and entering joint counceling. Wow.
Now, my sitch is my sitch. But, I learned real fast that I had been "going dark" all wrong. In fact, going dark almost killed my marriage, because W took it as lack of interest.
You must keep in touch with the situation. YOu must continue to press your intention. You must let your WS know that you care, that you are willing to make it work. You must not appear indifferent.
I still beleive that going dark is terribly over-rated, and that it is among the worst advice one can give. I truly believe it is the epitome of an LRT. Beware of this technique, and only use it when appropriate.
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