A thought occured to me the other day and this thread came to mind.

I have observed in myself and many others that most of us have what I have come to recognize as a "Fallback Position". By that I simply mean a self-preserving behaviour that we tend to run to when we perceive we are under pressure or threat or pain or desparation of any kind.

Why is this relevant to this thread? Well.... I recognize in myself that when the going gets tough, I tend to go to my fallback position which is trying to figure everything out. I go completely to my head and cannot hear my heart. I overprocess and try to win others to my way of thinking.

I further realize that this is a very self-destructive and relationship-destructive behaviour. I become unreachable because I retreat to my head. Thus the name.... Fallback Position.

I have observed in some others what appears to be other fallback positions. For example.... I have observed some guys I know who have histories of violence as having fallback positions of being the tough-guy. When their chips are down or they are under stress.... they resort to either violence or being super macho or some other manifestation that leaves them feeling or looking tough. Yet does this help them relate to anyone? Not that I have seen.

I have observed in some attractive women who have enjoyed attention for their attractiveness, that when cornered or insecure, they attempt to use their attractiveness to control a situation. Or present themselves as being even more together or attractive as their life becomes more disasterous and painful.

Or funny or sarcastic people who use humour to defend or retaliate. How well does this work in an R?

Am I making any sense?

I also have a friend who is a bit of an intellectual snob. When she is cornered.... oh man... her vocab consists of the most complex words that she uses to talk around and down to people. I can sense the pain and insecurity she is going through at the time and only see her become more distant as her intellectualization of things gets deeper. And thereby push us away. She actually tries to make constructive points but we cannot keep up with the complex logic and vocab.

In any or all of these examples, including my own, the fallback habits are so deeply engraned, we have a hard time seeing them. We are self-deceived in these senses. We think we are making progress but we are doing the exact opposite.

I tried to reason and argue with my X as she was leaving.... to the point where she wanted to leave all the more! And I thought I was compelling her to stay with my well-crafted reasoning and persuasive appeals! In my fallback position, I dont hear anyone! I am not really present. I am trying to control or at least feel safe. This is what I am trying to say! This is the relevance to the thread.

So.... Fallback Positions... make sense?...what are yours?

Ciao.

Chaz