“Dad, mom is still treating me like I'm 10 or 12 and telling me what to do and feel.” Is this is connected to the MLC part of XW's crisis?
Yes this is a common trait of the MLCer. The crisis drags them back to their time of their trauma; from whence they need to grow up from. This is, for most, their teenager and/or childhood years. Thus they behave, treat, and interact with the world - people, finances, life insurance, risk, relationships, employment, how they dress, how they speak, and so on - in a childlike manner. It is interesting, and wildly weird, to see a woman of 50 behaving like a 13 year old.
One’s emotional state (mental state) does come through in their interactions. Most adults have grown up and put away childhood things. For one consumed by torment and emotional time travel, they display childlike behaviour. Your daughters do see this and are rather spot on with what Mom is doing. You could give them an explanation for ‘why’ Mom behaves thusly. However, the truly deeply hidden cause/why of Mom’s behaviour - the hidden trauma(s) - remains unknown. For only XW can discover that herself.
Another facet of Mom’s treatment towards daughters is that’s how she see them. It is one part, children see the world through children eyes. So, a teenage-like XW is going to see the world likewise. It is second part, that XW/Mom has stalled.
That time travel stuff again. The MLCer, while consumed and embroiled in replay, is pretty much asleep in the present. There are moments when they peek out of replay, peek out of the tunnel, and display moments of awakening. Like the character Rip Van Winkle, they awaken to find the world has moved on without them. Most often they dive back into replay facing such disorientation, which of course exacerbates things further.
The fortunate ones do, bit by bit, peek by peek, slowly - glacially slowly - make their journey. With a good and correct amount of fate, luck, God, the universe, whatever - the fortunate exit the tunnel. Face their depression, work through withdrawal, and hopefully find acceptance. All on their own time.
For me it is 8+ years post bomb drop. Remember a crisis usually silently starts around 18-24 months before BD. My XW is now around a decade ‘asleep’. So many events missed in our kids’ lives. A fact which was noticeable during my son’s wedding. XW has been missing for quite a while.
Post wedding, and the (forced) peek or two she had, she has run back into the tunnel. Quit her grass mowing jobs. Missed the kid’s birthdays. And hidden away, again. Poor gal. She is quite a lost soul. I suspect Christmas isn’t going to do her any favours.
Originally Posted by grok
Though no longer dragged by it all ... like others experienced, the holidays, the ex-in-laws, ... my chest tightens and eyes fill. I sometimes feel like I'm on the outside looking in.
I know what you say. At times, I still miss what could have been. Long for it. And then let it go. And embrace what I do have. Which is actually a lot.
I didn’t deal the cards, I just play the cards I’ve been dealt.
“Outside looking in.”
Some advice.
Go inside.
Don’t stand out in the cold. Go inside.
For example. The in-laws. And from what you say, you are looking/willing to keep this relationship alive and active. So, get ahead of things. Do not wait to react to late invites and such. Invite them to your house. First. Not reacting. Acting.
Make plans and invite Grandparents for Christmas. Take the lead.
Believe me, they are feeling disappointed, unsure, etc. And will be happy to have an invite.
I’ve found people are quite happy to join in to activities. They mostly need someone to just make the decision.
(People also have a reluctance to get involved because of our grief. A common reaction, and most unhelpful. When you ever get the opportunity with a person in grief, go against this incorrect default feeling and speak with them.)
Leading and deciding also helps you.
It may be a strange feeling to be somewhat the ‘center of attention’. Yet go with it. You’re not stealing the spotlight or anything, just being the host. The man of the house.
Decide, choose, and act to be inside.
Be the life of your home. (I know, it takes effort to let go that wife/Mom was usually in that role. Let go, and take the reins.)
Shine.
Trust me, people will and do gather to such a light.
