Ten Years Later: The Long Road of MLC and the Beauty of a Repaired Marriage
It's been a long time. The first time I posted here, the pain of my husband's midlife crisis (MLC) was a raw, open wound. I was desperately seeking stories of hope, of couples who made it through the fire, and of the promise that the "baking" process, as Michelle Weiner's Divorce Busting and this forum call it, really did lead to something better.
Well, ten years on, and I'm popping in to update my story. And the truth is, I still don't have all the answers. My husband is, as we say, still in the oven. But he's a much better human than he was, and our marriage is richer, deeper, and more intimate than I ever imagined possible.
The Long and Winding Road
The journey was anything but a straight line. I often reflect on the early years, when we were locked in a pattern of anxious-avoidant attachment. I would chase, he would run. I was in a state of desperation and need, and he was completely detached, trying to escape a life he claimed to have never wanted. Said he never loved me, that I trapped him.
But as I look back, I see the seeds of our current connection in those difficult days. And when he lambasted me with my nonsense and I took deep breaths and validated him instead of defending, he kept talking…. Nonsense that it was but with seeds of truth always.
A key concept from the MLC forums that I held onto was the idea of not giving the MLC spouse any reason to be angry with you. It was incredibly difficult to practice, but it was also incredibly freeing. By removing myself as the source of his misery, he was forced to confront the true source: himself. It was a painful realization for him, but it was a crucial step on his journey toward healing. I remember so many moments where I witnessed his ahas…. And, all the time, I had to be his therapist without asking for the same emotional care in return (and I'm actually a therapist so I knew how to do that).
Another piece of advice that saved me was to "go live your best life." In the midst of the chaos, I focused on my own growth and happiness. I reconnected with friends, rediscovered old hobbies, and even joined a roller derby league. These were not just distractions; they were a lifeline. They reminded me that my worth was not tied to his actions or our marriage. Our marriage crumbling had no more to do with me than him and I was determined to out last it.
A Lighthouse of Growth
I did my work. I became a lighthouse of growth, a beacon of stability in the storm. I learned to love myself my more genuinely, to understand my own needs, and to accept that my worth was my own. This was a concept I had to learn on my own, as no one else could give it to me. And eventually, he did his work too. The man who once seemed to have no self-awareness now shocks me with his ability to respond with empathy and repair moments of conflict. The "old guy" still shows up sometimes, but it's 10% of the time now, not 80%. He sleeps beside me, tells me he loves me, and we have a deep intimacy that was not there in our before MLC marriage.
He has never offered a meaningful apology for the "bomb drop" days, those terrible early moments of MLC. He doesn't even remember them clearly. But he has shown accountability in other ways. He follows through on his promises, and I see the love and appreciation in his eyes. I think he still holds tremendous shame for that time and, if he ever manages to forgive himself, I might get more. But I have to accept I may never even though I still want it.
The Big Picture
I've often wondered if I should have left. If I had, I might be deeply in love with someone new. But there is a beauty in this journey, in the growth that we've both experienced. We have come to understand why we fit together, why we were destined for this journey from the moment we met. We chose each other and we chose the MLC-LBS journey at the same moment.
And we have forgiven each other—he for having no other way to cope, and me for not knowing then what I know now about the way he still struggles to claim his own needs and I have to make way more space for him to do so.
We have children who don't have to live in separate homes, and we have a shared history that has been transformed by our journey. I don't know if I would stay if I could go back and do it all over again, but I do know that this is a journey we were always meant to be on. If I hadn't found this guy, I would have just married another future MLC’er.
To those of you who are just starting out on this difficult path, know this: It will get better. You will grow. It will hurt, and you will hate it, but you will be okay. Love yourself as deeply as you can, because your self-worth is your own.
So, to my past self, and to all of you out there, I would say this: "Leave or stay, but it will be fine either way. It's going to be rough, but you are going to grow. Your self-worth does not depend on this MLC. Your needs matter, and you better get to tending to them and to building your own sanctuary. It's not fair and you can do this. You're stronger than you know.”
Best of luck, friends. I might pop in again in a couple of years.
Sorry about the mold spot. It sounds like it is only surface on the wall. I hope the flooring is similar (or better ), that would make repairs much easier.
Pretty wild XW taking her van on vacation. Two vehicles when they could all fit in one. And XW’s blaming over the van door, and threatening to just leave…SMH.
Sounds like D20 gave some sage feedback to D18 regarding Mom and the stress.
Glad to hear the two kids had a fun time hiking and seeing the underground waterfall.
Hang in there g, you are doing good. Keep letting go/accept that which you cannot control/change. And dig into that which you can.
D
(Now, where am I going to find this salted caramel pretzel ice cream. Sounds delicious.)
Ah! It does now for me. It wasn't before... hence the comments. Thanks for the explanation. It all makes sense now.
I'll assign the cause to the fact my workplace runs a transparent man-in-the-middle type proxy with what seems to be dynamic security rules. Many web site scripting and dynamic bits don't work well here because of the security implications. I get to find out which sites have static fallback functionality!
Clicking on the capital letter on the left side, example “G”, bring up the same page as clicking the name on the like status bar.
The name on the left side brings up a menu of different things depending upon one’s permissions. A couple of those menu items are “forum posts”, which brings up that users posts, and “Like Summary” which brings up their likes.
At any rate, this particular functionality is by design of the UBB software.
Clicking on a user's name on the left side of a post DOES NOT lead to their profile. Clicking on their name on a "like" at the bottom of a post DOES lead to their profile.
A suggestion: on the left side of a post where it lists Joined Date, Posts Count, and Likes Count... Link the posts count to the list of all posts by that user and the like count to the list of all likes by that user. These linked lists are available on the user profile page but it would simplify the user experience to be able to do so right from a post by that user.
Well…what an end to the weekend. I see I still have work to do to accept that which I cannot change. To not stress about it. To vent a little here about my stress and my sadness.
Mostly it was a good weekend though. I sent off S13 and D18 with XW on a road trip she, Grandma, and Grandpa had planned. They were heading north through Georgia, Tennessee and on for a week. XW in her van and grandparents in their RV. D20 did not go. I did not ask.
“They” do it to me - I
I got many things done too. 27 Gal bins were filled with D18’s debris she had ejected from her bedroom a while back. Ikea shelving/storage units from her previous setup were put in the garage. (In theory for XW… though she has said many times she is going to take them … and no follow though. XW messaged a few weeks back, ”I’ll probably need you or D20 to help make the arrangements. I get ignored or sabotaged when I try”).
home ownership burdens - I
Tonight after doing the weekly grocery shopping together, D20 and I started on moving bookcases around to their new planned configuration… when…. Behind one that I had planned to leave in place I found a mold spot on the wall about 2 ft X 3 ft in size. $#%^#$%^$. A small spot on the floor in front seemed damp to me and smelled musty.
With the help of one of D20’s friends we inspected outside and then took a sheetrock knife to cut out the molded section. Huh. No moisture signs in the sheetrock. Only on the paint and surface. The next step will be pull off the baseboard and pull up the carpet to inspect. Ugh. I just see hours work and $$$ signs in front of my eyes.
“They” do it to me - II
With that, I called it for the night. A bowl of ice cream each (A scoop of cherry and a scoop of salted caramel pretzel. Hey, it was a BOGO sale today!) and then D20 and I off to walk the dogs. My phone rings half way thought the walk with D18 calling. I answer thinking nothing of it.
D18, ”Dad! Dad! Is D20 there? I HAVE TO TALK TO HER. SHE WASNT ANSWERING HER PHONE.”
G, ”Yes, she’s right here. We’re walking the dogs right now. I’ll put you on speaker.”
D18 crying, ”NO. I have to talk to HER.”
I hand the phone to D20 and take both dogs. I could hear D18 in tears and stress. Judging by her request for D20, this was not something for me to jump into protective DAD mode. I walked ahead … trusting in D20’s judgement. It sounded like they were discussing XW. Bits and pieces I heard:
She’s a grown woman and can make her own choices You don’t control any of that You can’t do anything about what she does Just let her do it Do you need me to come get you? (700 miles) Go ride with Grandma and Grandpa instead I have a relationship with her… It’s just not close
That last one… hurt to hear.
After we got home she did put the phone on speaker. With S13 on the other end also. They told us about their exciting day hiking and going in a cave with an underground waterfall. Our advice was - Go hang out with Grandpa when it is stressful. You don’t have to explain it all. Just tell him you need time away and want his company for a while. “
Later D20 volunteered: Mom’s van door broke. She said it was “them” who sabotaged it She got upset when D18 didn’t believe her She said she might leave them with Grandma and Grandpa and drive back home She stormed off …
home ownership burdens - II
And then I noticed the overflow pan under at the air conditioning was filling up with water. SIGH. The drain pipe is clogged again. I used the wet vac to clear the existing water. The vinegar poured down the drain pipe to help clear any growths. This may take several days of attention to clear. My fault for not cleaning it earlier on schedule. I’m tired. Of constant fixes needed. And just tired.
g
LEMONADE - Forrest Frank & The Figs
Devil thought he really got us I guess he just forgot that God works everything for better No matter what the weather He knits it all together Cozier than a sweater ……… Lemonade I watch my worries wash a-way, lemonade It's gonna be okay Life gave me some lemons But my Jesus, He be makin' lemonade
(The track was created during Forrest Frank's recovery from a serious skateboarding injury resulting in multiple back fractures, where he channeled his emotions into music from his hospital bed. … finding hope and faith in challenging times.)
DnJ thanks for the reminder that mars and venus are different. Somehow, I lose sight of this. You and Grok kindly remind me. Something I need to really learn rather than passively hear and forget.
Like everything else in this new version of you...it takes time and effort to embed into your thoughts, behaviors, habits... The same for me. You hit it right though. That is what I see in what you wrote about S. Those Mars/Venus books I find very good at putting deeper concepts into everyman/woman accessible language. So, some modified cut/paste of the concepts I think apply to what you see from S.
A young man where ... On Mars, competence and personal ability are highly valued, so they are driven towards success and accomplishment.
On solving problems - on their own gives men a feeling of confidence, strength, and self-esteem, so they resist asking for help as a sign of weakness. She may ask lots of questions about what is wrong or what is bothering him. That is exactly how she would want to be supported. However, Martians feel she doesn’t trust him to solve the problem himself. On the flip side, if he asks for help or your take this means he respects, trusts and treasures your involvement. High Praise! (even if he doesn't take the advice in the end)
On distance -
Men may become distant thinking about a problem or say “I’m fine” when clearly not. That disconnect doesn’t mean they don’t care or love her, but they want to solve the problem on their own, rather than burden others with it.
Men Are Like Rubber Bands: men periodically need to withdraw to renew themselves. This natural cycle should be respected to maintain balance in relationships. Men require periodic withdrawal to recharge.
When faced with stress or challenges, men and women have different coping mechanisms. Men tend to withdraw into their “cave,” a metaphorical space where they can process their feelings and thoughts.
Men often offer solutions when women simply want to be heard, while women may offer unsolicited advice when men need space to solve problems on their own
Addendum. For women: Learn to ask directly for what you need or clarify instead of hinting. Annoying and crude as it may seem to Venus, that is saying it in HIS language.
Also, Congrats on a spot bonus! Keep on and Shine like the sun.
g
Shine - Stick Figure
Time stands still, but the clock keeps spinning I close my eyes and get lost for a minute The words and the tears, they have long dried up I think I thought that I'd had enough Shine on like the sun Holding on to a feeling Shine on everyone Find love to believe in
I am writing to announce that the online Forum will have a facelift! That's because I am launching a new website in the next day or two. If you want a copy of your most recent posts, make sure you copy them because the migration to the new website might lose some recent posts.
I am very excited about the new website, as well as the updated edition of my book, Healing from Infidelity. Plus, for all the people requesting an audiobook version, guess what!!! I created an audiobook as well.
I found your old thread which is at the 100 post limit. Please make a new thread and I’ll link them together (if you want). Also a new thread will give folks a place to read and respond directly to you.
My WAW been back for a year, now. Our older daughters and my youngest at 15 have benefitted but they hate if we argue. Our sex life has not been so great. Personally, that hits me emotionally very hard. She gives me sex just as a 'duty' or to do something nice for me. She had screwed up and told me she gave the OP lots of sex because she was worried about him going out and fng someone else. I also had pestered her for the truth and she said "yes, it was exciting. And enjoyable but then felt really bad and realized it was such a horrific damage to myself and my family." So, it's now hurting ME extra deeply all over again. She doesn't even TRY to enjoy our sex or get an orgasm. Makes me feel like sht. She promised to work so much harder on that and put more honest effort into it. She had said that a year ago also and I pointed out and she admits she didn't follow through. Oh, also while we were separated, she got pregnant by the mf OP she was with. She had miscarriage fairly early and back then I had been very crying and sympathetic with her (still apart then) Now, I just have this agonizing pain over and over and almost constantly about her having sex w someone else. AND GETTING IMPREGNATED BY HIS SORRY A$$. He was married as well. It just hurts so much and I've been praying and praying but I don't feel relief and I feel like I can't stand the pain period and don't know if ever can get past it. We've been married 15 years. Back together now but shoot, 2 other times in the past she ran off too. I could really use some advice and ideas about the getting through this constant agony.
My WAW been back for a year, now. Our older daughters and my youngest at 15 have benefitted but they hate if we argue. Our sex life has not been so great. Personally, that hits me emotionally very hard. She gives me sex just as a 'duty' or to do something nice for me. She had screwed up and told me she gave the OP lots of sex because she was worried about him going out and fng someone else. I also had pestered her for the truth and she said "yes, it was exciting. And enjoyable but then felt really bad and realized it was such a horrific damage to myself and my family." So, it's now hurting ME extra deeply all over again. She doesn't even TRY to enjoy our sex or get an orgasm. Makes me feel like sht. She promised to work so much harder on that and put more honest effort into it. She had said that a year ago also and I pointed out and she admits she didn't follow through. Oh, also while we were separated, she got pregnant by the mf OP she was with. She had miscarriage fairly early and back then I had been very crying and sympathetic with her (still apart then) Now, I just have this agonizing pain over and over and almost constantly about her having sex w someone else. AND GETTING IMPREGNATED BY HIS SORRY A$$. He was married as well. It just hurts so much and I've been praying and praying but I don't feel relief and I feel like I can't stand the pain period and don't know if ever can get past it. We've been married 15 years. Back together now but shoot, 2 other times in the past she ran off too. I could really use some advice and ideas about the getting through this constant agony.
), that would make repairs much easier.