“Dad, mom is still treating me like I'm 10 or 12 and telling me what to do and feel.” Is this is connected to the MLC part of XW's crisis?
Yes this is a common trait of the MLCer. The crisis drags them back to their time of their trauma; from whence they need to grow up from. This is, for most, their teenager and/or childhood years. Thus they behave, treat, and interact with the world - people, finances, life insurance, risk, relationships, employment, how they dress, how they speak, and so on - in a childlike manner. It is interesting, and wildly weird, to see a woman of 50 behaving like a 13 year old.
One’s emotional state (mental state) does come through in their interactions. Most adults have grown up and put away childhood things. For one consumed by torment and emotional time travel, they display childlike behaviour. Your daughters do see this and are rather spot on with what Mom is doing. You could give them an explanation for ‘why’ Mom behaves thusly. However, the truly deeply hidden cause/why of Mom’s behaviour - the hidden trauma(s) - remains unknown. For only XW can discover that herself.
Another facet of Mom’s treatment towards daughters is that’s how she see them. It is one part, children see the world through children eyes. So, a teenage-like XW is going to see the world likewise. It is second part, that XW/Mom has stalled.
That time travel stuff again. The MLCer, while consumed and embroiled in replay, is pretty much asleep in the present. There are moments when they peek out of replay, peek out of the tunnel, and display moments of awakening. Like the character Rip Van Winkle, they awaken to find the world has moved on without them. Most often they dive back into replay facing such disorientation, which of course exacerbates things further.
The fortunate ones do, bit by bit, peek by peek, slowly - glacially slowly - make their journey. With a good and correct amount of fate, luck, God, the universe, whatever - the fortunate exit the tunnel. Face their depression, work through withdrawal, and hopefully find acceptance. All on their own time.
For me it is 8+ years post bomb drop. Remember a crisis usually silently starts around 18-24 months before BD. My XW is now around a decade ‘asleep’. So many events missed in our kids’ lives. A fact which was noticeable during my son’s wedding. XW has been missing for quite a while.
Post wedding, and the (forced) peek or two she had, she has run back into the tunnel. Quit her grass mowing jobs. Missed the kid’s birthdays. And hidden away, again. Poor gal. She is quite a lost soul. I suspect Christmas isn’t going to do her any favours.
Originally Posted by grok
Though no longer dragged by it all ... like others experienced, the holidays, the ex-in-laws, ... my chest tightens and eyes fill. I sometimes feel like I'm on the outside looking in.
I know what you say. At times, I still miss what could have been. Long for it. And then let it go. And embrace what I do have. Which is actually a lot.
I didn’t deal the cards, I just play the cards I’ve been dealt.
“Outside looking in.”
Some advice.
Go inside.
Don’t stand out in the cold. Go inside.
For example. The in-laws. And from what you say, you are looking/willing to keep this relationship alive and active. So, get ahead of things. Do not wait to react to late invites and such. Invite them to your house. First. Not reacting. Acting.
Make plans and invite Grandparents for Christmas. Take the lead.
Believe me, they are feeling disappointed, unsure, etc. And will be happy to have an invite.
I’ve found people are quite happy to join in to activities. They mostly need someone to just make the decision.
(People also have a reluctance to get involved because of our grief. A common reaction, and most unhelpful. When you ever get the opportunity with a person in grief, go against this incorrect default feeling and speak with them.)
Leading and deciding also helps you.
It may be a strange feeling to be somewhat the ‘center of attention’. Yet go with it. You’re not stealing the spotlight or anything, just being the host. The man of the house.
Decide, choose, and act to be inside.
Be the life of your home. (I know, it takes effort to let go that wife/Mom was usually in that role. Let go, and take the reins.)
Shine.
Trust me, people will and do gather to such a light.
Glad to hear D18’s birthday went well. Sounds like h/Dad managed to step up.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
I actually thought, well what if he is. Not like I can do anything about it. It really surprised me having that thought, but it’s so true and that it just popped in my head and I accepted it. Was quite the feeling. No expectations.
Excellent!
Yes, it is rather surprising the first time we think, we feel, we accept like that. Quite the milestone.
Keep on doing your thing. Like job said, make family plans and let H join in if he wants to.
How’s the driving practice going? A rather stress inducing rite of passage. In the end, a good stress. For both parties.
As always, some great advice from DNJ and others. You must focus on you, not on her. Exercise like you’ve never exercised before. It’s the best thing you can do for your mental health.
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When we eventually got chatting again she had a totally different tone with me. I was to blame for everything, she has no interest in getting back together, she should never have messaged me and we should go back to how things were.
I feel it quite likely this is indicative of an emotional or physical affair. This wild flip flopping back and forward (suddenly they seem to be waking up, and then a week later they flip back to burning it all down again) is a very common theme on this site. I’ve seen it so many times, and nearly always it shortly precedes discovery of an affair. Women are monkey branchers - they keep their old branch firmly in hand as a fallback option until they’ve really tested the new one out and get the confidence to finally let go of the old one. Google it! Accountability is also not the strong suit of a walk away or wayward wife, so as DNJ indicated, it’s a lot easier for her conscience and public image if she can get you to file rather than take responsibility for ending it herself.
I re-read your first post today. There’s so much going on.
Here’s where I ask the hard questions - but please know this comes from a place of kindness.
Why do you want to be with this woman? Is it because you genuinely want to be with a person who treats you like this? Do you think it’s temporary and she’ll snap back to who she was, or do you think this was there all along and you didn’t see it?
You’ve given your everything for this woman, and to wholly support her children from other men - and she’s just cut you off from them without batting an eyelid because she wants to “find herself”. You’ve doubled down with long term commitment, and yet she’s willing to drop you overnight.
She’s bipolar, and has been mentally and physically abusing you - in front of the kids.
Look, I get it - this is a pro marriage-saving website and forum. That’s why we all end up here. But I wouldn’t be being honest if I didn’t say that I think the future of this marriage sounds like a bin fire.
And rather than concentrate on her, her tattoo covering, her social media blocking and unblocking, her flip flopping and inconsistency … what you really need to do, is focus on yourself - asking why you want to try and save a marriage to a person like this. From the cheap seats, it doesn’t make much sense.
Thanks for dropping back in and showing what it looks like years later. A glimpse into possible futures yet to be written for me. And others.
And showing how very long timelines can be before a WW/WAW really works though their crisis, at least enough to acknowledge their actions. Eight years!
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No worries Grok! This site was a huge comfort to me at the time, so I feel good to be able to give something back.
The three most pivotal bits of advice I can give:
1. Exercise, exercise, exercise 2. Do not ever behave and speak from a place of fear - it inevitably makes things worse and it makes you unattractive 3. My counsellor looking me straight in the eye and saying “Tell me again why you are fighting so hard to be with someone who is treating you so abhorrently.” And me not having any answer.
