Well…what an end to the weekend. I see I still have work to do to accept that which I cannot change. To not stress about it. To vent a little here about my stress and my sadness.
Mostly it was a good weekend though. I sent off S13 and D18 with XW on a road trip she, Grandma, and Grandpa had planned. They were heading north through Georgia, Tennessee and on for a week. XW in her van and grandparents in their RV. D20 did not go. I did not ask.
“They” do it to me - I
I got many things done too. 27 Gal bins were filled with D18’s debris she had ejected from her bedroom a while back. Ikea shelving/storage units from her previous setup were put in the garage. (In theory for XW… though she has said many times she is going to take them … and no follow though. XW messaged a few weeks back, ”I’ll probably need you or D20 to help make the arrangements. I get ignored or sabotaged when I try”).
home ownership burdens - I
Tonight after doing the weekly grocery shopping together, D20 and I started on moving bookcases around to their new planned configuration… when…. Behind one that I had planned to leave in place I found a mold spot on the wall about 2 ft X 3 ft in size. $#%^#$%^$. A small spot on the floor in front seemed damp to me and smelled musty.
With the help of one of D20’s friends we inspected outside and then took a sheetrock knife to cut out the molded section. Huh. No moisture signs in the sheetrock. Only on the paint and surface. The next step will be pull off the baseboard and pull up the carpet to inspect. Ugh. I just see hours work and $$$ signs in front of my eyes.
“They” do it to me - II
With that, I called it for the night. A bowl of ice cream each (A scoop of cherry and a scoop of salted caramel pretzel. Hey, it was a BOGO sale today!) and then D20 and I off to walk the dogs. My phone rings half way thought the walk with D18 calling. I answer thinking nothing of it.
D18, ”Dad! Dad! Is D20 there? I HAVE TO TALK TO HER. SHE WASNT ANSWERING HER PHONE.”
G, ”Yes, she’s right here. We’re walking the dogs right now. I’ll put you on speaker.”
D18 crying, ”NO. I have to talk to HER.”
I hand the phone to D20 and take both dogs. I could hear D18 in tears and stress. Judging by her request for D20, this was not something for me to jump into protective DAD mode. I walked ahead … trusting in D20’s judgement. It sounded like they were discussing XW. Bits and pieces I heard:
She’s a grown woman and can make her own choices You don’t control any of that You can’t do anything about what she does Just let her do it Do you need me to come get you? (700 miles) Go ride with Grandma and Grandpa instead I have a relationship with her… It’s just not close
That last one… hurt to hear.
After we got home she did put the phone on speaker. With S13 on the other end also. They told us about their exciting day hiking and going in a cave with an underground waterfall. Our advice was - Go hang out with Grandpa when it is stressful. You don’t have to explain it all. Just tell him you need time away and want his company for a while. “
Later D20 volunteered: Mom’s van door broke. She said it was “them” who sabotaged it She got upset when D18 didn’t believe her She said she might leave them with Grandma and Grandpa and drive back home She stormed off …
home ownership burdens - II
And then I noticed the overflow pan under at the air conditioning was filling up with water. SIGH. The drain pipe is clogged again. I used the wet vac to clear the existing water. The vinegar poured down the drain pipe to help clear any growths. This may take several days of attention to clear. My fault for not cleaning it earlier on schedule. I’m tired. Of constant fixes needed. And just tired.
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LEMONADE - Forrest Frank & The Figs
Devil thought he really got us I guess he just forgot that God works everything for better No matter what the weather He knits it all together Cozier than a sweater ……… Lemonade I watch my worries wash a-way, lemonade It's gonna be okay Life gave me some lemons But my Jesus, He be makin' lemonade
(The track was created during Forrest Frank's recovery from a serious skateboarding injury resulting in multiple back fractures, where he channeled his emotions into music from his hospital bed. … finding hope and faith in challenging times.)
DnJ thanks for the reminder that mars and venus are different. Somehow, I lose sight of this. You and Grok kindly remind me. Something I need to really learn rather than passively hear and forget.
Like everything else in this new version of you...it takes time and effort to embed into your thoughts, behaviors, habits... The same for me. You hit it right though. That is what I see in what you wrote about S. Those Mars/Venus books I find very good at putting deeper concepts into everyman/woman accessible language. So, some modified cut/paste of the concepts I think apply to what you see from S.
A young man where ... On Mars, competence and personal ability are highly valued, so they are driven towards success and accomplishment.
On solving problems - on their own gives men a feeling of confidence, strength, and self-esteem, so they resist asking for help as a sign of weakness. She may ask lots of questions about what is wrong or what is bothering him. That is exactly how she would want to be supported. However, Martians feel she doesn’t trust him to solve the problem himself. On the flip side, if he asks for help or your take this means he respects, trusts and treasures your involvement. High Praise! (even if he doesn't take the advice in the end)
On distance -
Men may become distant thinking about a problem or say “I’m fine” when clearly not. That disconnect doesn’t mean they don’t care or love her, but they want to solve the problem on their own, rather than burden others with it.
Men Are Like Rubber Bands: men periodically need to withdraw to renew themselves. This natural cycle should be respected to maintain balance in relationships. Men require periodic withdrawal to recharge.
When faced with stress or challenges, men and women have different coping mechanisms. Men tend to withdraw into their “cave,” a metaphorical space where they can process their feelings and thoughts.
Men often offer solutions when women simply want to be heard, while women may offer unsolicited advice when men need space to solve problems on their own
Addendum. For women: Learn to ask directly for what you need or clarify instead of hinting. Annoying and crude as it may seem to Venus, that is saying it in HIS language.
Also, Congrats on a spot bonus! Keep on and Shine like the sun.
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Shine - Stick Figure
Time stands still, but the clock keeps spinning I close my eyes and get lost for a minute The words and the tears, they have long dried up I think I thought that I'd had enough Shine on like the sun Holding on to a feeling Shine on everyone Find love to believe in
I am writing to announce that the online Forum will have a facelift! That's because I am launching a new website in the next day or two. If you want a copy of your most recent posts, make sure you copy them because the migration to the new website might lose some recent posts.
I am very excited about the new website, as well as the updated edition of my book, Healing from Infidelity. Plus, for all the people requesting an audiobook version, guess what!!! I created an audiobook as well.
I found your old thread which is at the 100 post limit. Please make a new thread and I’ll link them together (if you want). Also a new thread will give folks a place to read and respond directly to you.
It is wonderful to see W (and you) continuing to invest and commit to your new relationship. It sounds like the monthly tune-ups are solidifying and fostering a healthy partnership and healthy strategies for those inevitable disagreements that pop up.
I’d like to submit your story to the Another Divorce Busted! forum. If you’re interested please post a summary of your situation and I’ll get it published.
Hey, Dave. I'm glad you found your way here, and as you have likely seen, the community is a wonderful resource. Sometimes it can be tough to hear the feedback, and my experience is that good intent and/or experience underlies all of it. Though I've not seen him active lately, there is a board member named Ready2Change who would often chime in on posts like yours. In his absence, I'm going to channel a little R2C in saying that I can't imagine your W is finding much of your behavior very attractive. To me, it is coming across as very needy, awaiting her every move or response, and orbiting around her rather than truly focusing on healing yourself in ways not dependent upon her presence. 180s are tough; you are 100% right about the discomfort they cause us, and when I was where you are, it took a leap of faith. Members like Boat and Kind18 were thankfully candid with me, and I got to a point where nothing else was working, so what did I have to lose by listening to them?
DNJ and Job offered "gentler" feedback that remains highly valuable. And, if you've read many posts here, you may have seen something along the lines of "you didn't break your spouse; you can't fix them." As DNJ says, she has to burn through all she's amassed. Like any fire, the closer you get, the less oxygen YOU have to breathe for yourself. Let go of trying to be there for her all the time. Let her see what it is like when she doesn't have you easily accessible as a safety net to bail her out or offer comfort at her whim. Are you taking the best care of yourself that you could be? What else makes you happy that doesn't depend on her? If this doesn't work out, what else have you built to support yourself for the short- to mid-term? If you have an EAP at work or perhaps a personal therapist, take advantage of that benefit to get some more personalized guidance.
We all want to see you happy and thriving, irrespective of whether W will remain a part of your life.
Thanks. They didn't like that I filed the grievance so they started giving me the worst hours during the days I'm not available. Typical and why I didn't want to open that can of worms again. I've also been applying for other jobs with no luck. I ended up getting a doctor's note with scheduling restrictions, dropped it off Thursday. We'll see. They should respect it since I have multiple medical conditions. I'm jut hoping I will be able to do the job without pain. Stress isn't helping. I've been battling a pinched nerve or something on my neck for the past month, sending shooting pains and muscle spasms down my arm.
Me stressing about work isn't helping the relationship either. I can see how he's trying to avoid the topic but has been able to comfort me a couple times when I told him I didn't want to disappoint him if I didn't get this squared away. He said I won't disappoint him and everything will be ok. He sees that I'm trying I guess. I just wish the stress of the divorce wasn't on top of it. He ended up moving to another room the night of my birthday. To get better sleep he said, but man, what perfect timing. That's when his new mattress and bedding got delivered. Everything else is normal, even though he refused me birthday sex. He had a busy day, but still. I was in agony on his birthday and didn't turn him down.
It was great to pop in on here and to see your wonderful update! I am so happy for you! It’s been some time since you posted so I hope that life (and love!) is still moving in a positive direction for you! Congratulations on all your hard work! Even if that relationship didn’t work out, you have still won by becoming the woman you are now!
It’s been about two years since my last update. I’ve had some ups and downs since then but right now I am in a really good place.
Something downright wonderful happened recently. I attended a family wedding for a member of his family. It was the first time I’ve seen him in many years…over two for sure, if not longer. And certainly the first time I had been in his new wife’s presence. When they arrived to the venue (he and his AP now wife), I walked up to him and said hello. When I reached him she wasn’t next to him, so he and I spoke for a moment. Just friendly small talk. I felt nothing for him. In fact, he looked awful and it was almost like I was talking to a stranger or something. After some short small talk he walked away and I walked up to his wife who was facing away from me. I tapped her on her arm and when she turned around there was shock in her face when she realized it was me. I said hello, my name and then told her to enjoy the wedding. I also made her shake my hand which she did dumbfounded. I then walked away. Not with malice. Not passive aggressive. Just calm and with grace.
During the reception, I noticed them glance my way a couple of times. But honestly I just enjoyed myself and the family members I’ve missed so much. I stopped paying attention. Everyone showed me so much love and I felt wonderful. I looked beautiful (I’ve built back up my health and I’ve lost weight and I feel happier than I’ve been in a long time). At some point I thought they had left as I hadn’t noticed them as I made my rounds. But later they showed up so they were still there. Lurking somewhere off to the side. If they had been watching me, they saw grace, poise, love and detachment from them. And full acceptance and love from his family.
I am so proud of myself for getting to this point where I no longer want him or anything he offers back. I don’t feel hate and any drama would not accomplish anything, so I have not caused them any issues. And I don’t feel the need to experience that energy. I’d rather Karma do its thing and remain with more powerful and positive emotions for myself. I have gone on a few dates, but so far haven’t met anyone yet, but I am ready for that and looking forward. I was laid off this year, so finding a job is an higher priority than dating, but I’m open to meeting someone IRL, I just am not on the dating apps at the moment. Anyway, I thought those that have been part of my journey would love an update. Thank you all for everything!
