As always, you are such an inspiration, Lin. I love hearing about your story...
Lin, Virginia, and Penny, thank you all for getting me through today. Luckily, I didn't do anything stupid... Thank goodness. I am taking Wellbutrin, too, plus some anti-anxiety drug, plus a sleep aid, plus the Xanax as needed... Wow... I have an appointment with the doctor a week from tomorrow and will let him know that things seem to have gotten worse for me as far as frequent meltdowns and still not sleeping very good.
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until the wound heals she will remain there
Can you elaborate on this? Is it the wound that *I* created in H? Do you think it is still doomed to fail in time? Not like my R with him isn't unhealthy right now, but there's seems so unhealthy, too. How must it be to not be able to take calls from her and talk to her in front of others? How must it be to not be able to take her to family functions? How must it be to not be able to talk openly about her with the "guys"? That's got to be hard... The nice thing is, his friends and family are so kind and nice to me - we've built great relationships. While I think if they knew the "whole truth" about where we are at today, they would see how this could have happened, I think they would be furious that he has continued this M AND stayed with OW. Sometimes I think he just blocks it completely out of his head, but I don't know how this R could possibly go anywhere.
That's why I keep praying that if I can just hold on and not be a basket case and get my head and heart together that I will start to look more and more attractive to him and she less and less. As they spend more time together, their "flaws" will begin to come out. They are still in the infatuation stage, and I know that... It's just so hard to be patient and then not know if it's ever going to pay off or if I am going through this hell for nothing (even though I know the ultimate goal is about changing ME).... I know, I know. Keep drilling that into my head, guys. It's not quite sinking in yet.
Thanks for the "devil's advocate" regarding what/where H is/doing. I can only pray that whatever it is will help our situation... You're right, I don't have a right to know where he is at, but because of our business, it would have been nice to just know that he was going to be out of town for a few days in case anything came up... That's all I was saying. It's not that he "owes" it to me; it's just a courtesy that "friends" do for each other...
Thanks for the ideas on the to-do list. I will make one for tomorrow and will add a personal one as well.
Hey, need quick advice - forgot to ask this - what do I say to H when I do finally see him? Nothing? I was expecting for him to be the one to be asking me how my trip was, but now it's going to be kind of weird... Do I just say "hi, how are you" and leave it at that? And then if he asks me about my trip I'll give him the what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas line??? What do you think?
So, I figure I have three options here at this point: 1.) I can continue to have what seem to have become daily meltdowns, get nothing done at work, be miserable, have dry heaves, shake like a leaf, lose all my makeup ;), and just "get by," praying that H will come to his senses. 2.) I can say I'm done with this R and file for D myself and get it over with and deal with that pain, which you're already telling me is no less pain than this pain... and I'll never forgive myself for not sucking it up and doing everything I could to save my M. And I'll also never know if I HAD stuck it out if he would have come back to me... I don't want to live with any regrets. 3.) I can pick myself back up with my bootstraps and become the fun-loving, kind-hearted, sexual woman that I once was and that he wants me to be.... How do I get there? First of all, I need to learn to be patient, not only with this situation, but with myself... In case you all haven't already noticed, I am an EXTREMELY emotional person (I cry at Disney movies). I wear my heart on my sleeve and often get hurt by that. To that end, some of the things that I know I need to do may be harder for me to accomplish than those with different personalities. I'm not trying to make excuses; I'm just saying that this is an extremely difficult position to be in when you are already an emotional person to start with (to think I cry at Bambi and now have to deal with this???)
So, I choose #3, even though today I think I would rather have died than the pain that took me over today. It was truly awful.
So when you say that once you started taking care of yourself, it happened relatively quickly, will you give me some specific examples of what you did? That will help me a lot - as you may know, I'm a bit impatient LOL, so anything to speed up this process would be wonderful....
And, again, please tell me that you think there is still hope, that I didn't screw up my one and only chance when H came home and went on that first trip with me???? Are there any positives that you see in his behaviors?
Just a quick note before I get ready for work. When you go to the DR. ask about your dosage on the wellbutrin. What dosage are you taking? I was a lot like you and it finally came to me I was like a caged animal. I couldn't think straight and couldn't get a hold of my emotions. It was like you couldn't control it. I even would go down stairs at work and when it was snowing and walk back and forth to try and get control of those feelings. Once I have changed the dosage I feel alot better and can think straight and have become the old person that I know. I still have some emotions over the H and OW but not to the degree of obsession. You are taking alot of different PX and maybe the mixture of them is not good for you. All I know it took me a little while to figure it out. I was expecting it to help me feel better and really it did make it worse. So Please check into this.
You have a great day and try to think POsitive that it will be a Fantastic day and will only get better.
Got to go ....Be strong and write your list this is for YOU... Good Luck to day
I was able to get to sleep fairly easily last night, which is usually the case. (BTW, I DO take my sleeping pill at night before bed, but I usually wake up between 2 and 4 in the morning again, so when I told you that I took a sleeping pill the other night, it was a second one...) I woke up at 2 last night and got up and MADE MY LIST already for today to do. I make a pretty big work list, which I think will be too much for one day to do, but I will prioritize it when I get to the office so that I don't feel too overwhelmed. My personal item on my list for today is to go shopping for an hour from 7:30 to 8:30 tonight and be home by 9 for the American Idol results show!
I woke up again about 5:30 and couldn't get back to sleep, so now I've taken another sleeping pill... hopefully I will get sleepy again soon. I also threw up just now, too.... God, help me... So I took some Pepto Bismol for my stomach, too. I know I should probably just get up and start my day, but I'm trying to sleep as much as I can right now, both to make myself get rest and also because when I'm asleep I don't have to think about this and be so uptight....
Penny, I checked my Wellbutrin, and it's 100 MG pills, and I take two of them twice a day, in the morning and at night. My doctor had me work up to that gradually, starting with just one at night, then adding one in the morning, etc. I do seem to recall him saying that we may have to work on the doseage to "get it right."
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I was a lot like you and it finally came to me I was like a caged animal. I couldn't think straight and couldn't get a hold of my emotions. It was like you couldn't control it. I even would go down stairs at work and when it was snowing and walk back and forth to try and get control of those feelings.
Penny, this is EXACTLY how I've been feeling the past little while.
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Once I have changed the dosage I feel alot better and can think straight and have become the old person that I know.
Yes, this is the point I need to get to. I honestly felt SO MUCH better the first go round of this whole thing before we went on our first trip. I wasn't even taking ANY medications back then. I'm not sure if that's part of it or if it was because I always had our trip to look forward to and the fact that he said we were going to give our M another try, so I just had to "hold on" for a while. This time I don't know what to expect and know it's mostly up to ME to change. I just wish I FELT BETTER so that it would be at least a little bit easier.
When I was at the doctor's office, I was reading about depression on the wall and all of the signs to look for (of course I have most of the signs...). But I guess I don't feel like any of those things are getting better, but actually getting worse...
So I started taking the Wellbutrin right when I went to Vegas - picked up the RX on the way to the airport. So maybe now that I'm up to the full doseage it is doing weird things to me? Is that possible? I am having that feeling right now - you described it so well - like a caged animal. Most times if I hold my hand out straight, I'm just shaking... My doctor is out of town until next week. My appointment is next Wednesday. I really would prefer to wait to see him, but maybe I need to see another doctor in the meantime. Going through another week of this is hard to think about... that's how bad it is. Or maybe I should call and talk to a nurse there about it and see if I should cut back on the Wellbutrin until the doctor gets back?
Penny, what doseage are you taking of the Wellbutrin? I know it's different for everyone, but I'm just curious. Anxious feelings are creeping up again... I need to walk around for a while... I'll be back...
Please listen, 2940831, I am am almost afraid to read your postings because they startle flashbacks for me. I am so sorry for your suffering. I reacted in 2001 as you have done. I felt suicidal. I 'borrowed' my friend's therapist for a conversation to get me through the first horrible wave. Like you, I was vomiting with grief, crashed out weeping and paralyzed with disbelief and anxiety.
I am a very much a loner without good resources, including family. I resorted to my medical doctor who reacted with "drug therapy" like yours. She was horrified by the situation and not equipped to comfort except with prescriptions. She hooked me up with the clinic counselor who just sat there and looked worried as well. "Realty Lady" as I think of you, I 'rescued' myself accidentally with a book called "Emotional Alchemy" that mentioned mindfulness and the possibility of using deep breathing techniques to interfere with panic attacks. From there I gradually calmed myself by daring myself to live through the times when I would get twisted with fear and grief. I kept Xanax in a drawer, but did not take them.
I bought a small puppy to keep near and to take walking. Walking is the best therapy for your anguish. It helps in a natural way. Careful, slow breathing, while 'noticing' frantic thoughts but sending them away helps most. One of my wayward husband's friends, a Hindu business man, implored me to be "a rock in the river". I have tried. You cannot control events. You can have quite a lot of control about your own reactions.
I hope you keep loving your husband and forgive him for being cruel. He is struggling with his own misery and although he may try to blame you, step around that. Resist fighting back. {Tell him you are inclined,if you are, to move out of the office for awhile... don't be inconsiderate just because he is...} I am embarrassed to give advice to anyone, about anything. I am still struggling to "close the deal" on my husband's return, but we are reinventing finally. We did make it out the other side.
He does respect and love me above others, still. The dog and I still walk... he wishes you well too! What a special dog!
Yes there is still hope...no D has been filed and no one is remarried!!!....there is always hope...it what you do with it that counts...
Sleep is important but regular sleep times are more important...I personally think when you take a second dose at 530am you are messing things up...I remember I went through this also but I didn't take sleeping pills...not that you shouldn't but I think if you take one at a normal time, say 10pm...and you wake up at 2 go back to sleep...wake up at 530...just get up...I remember for a while I was going to sleep about 12 and getting up at 330-4am....yes I was tired during the day but eventually my body gave in and I started falling asleep earlier at night and sleeping a few more hours in the morning...but again, I think that second pill is messing you up...and girl...you are taking a lot of meds....I know the Dr. prescribed them but sometimes we need to question why and what they are prescribing...it might not be best for you to be mixing all those and it seems that you are increasing dosages as you go along....I just think that this might be rebounding on you and causing more harm then good....you know?
"Until the would heals she will remain there"
Not necessarily a wound you created...this is not one person's doing in this R...you both have wounds...you just treat them differently....
I still disagree with him needing to tell you he was going out of town....just because his car isn't where you "think" it should be at a given time doesn't mean he isn't somewhere nearby...and if there was a need to contact him you could leave a message on his cell phone (don't do it just to check up on him though....he will know it for what it is....your control issues...and this will push him farther away...I MEAN IT!)
Most A's are doomed to failure for the reasons you point out...however, if you continue to be a basket case he will be able to justify his actions to friends, family, and associates...so that is why it is VITAL that you STOP focusing on HIS LIFE and focus on YOUR OWN LIFE!!!
"Sometimes I think he just blocks it completely out of his head"
You hit the nail on the head...he doesn't want to deal with you or the M problems right now and she provides a distraction...the more you keep him focusing on you the more she looks desirable right now...you need for YOU to focus on YOU...NOT THEM....then you can master yourself and your emotions...that is when you will become attractive...it isn't a physical thing...sure those guys in Vegas were attracted to you...but it was all physical... that is not what holds a marriage together...when you became emotionally unattractive is when he finally bailed...not that this all on you, NO...but your part you already know...so it is now upto you to take care of YOU...
"That's why I keep praying that if I can just hold on and not be a basket case and get my head and heart together that I will start to look more and more attractive to him and she less and less."
Once again, this is NOT ABOUT HER!!!...She is just a Band Aide...but remember those can become attractive...remember as a child how if your mom bought the cartoon ones...you would look for a boo boo to put them on until they were all gone???...lets just keep her plain...don't color her up for him!
By the way...you don't have a corner on the market of emotions...I also cry at Disney films....I cry when someone wins big on the Price is Right show!!!....I would watch movies alone in my room because I would ball like a baby...Steel Magnolias, Terms of Endearment, and the list can go on...they don't even have to have someone die in them for me to cry....I am a very emotional person, my feelings get hurt easily, I am sensitive to others feelings and feel extremely bad if I find out I hurt someone even if I didn't mean to....when I found out what my husband thought of me...even though a lot of it was his OWN distorted perception....I was so so so remorsefully devistated it wasn't a pretty picture...yes, there were days I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up....I even had H sign a legal document that if anything should happen to me or if I became incompetant to care for our son that his custody would go to our adult daughters....hows that for devistated???...H was concerned that I might hurt myself...I never considered that but just was sure that the grief I was feeling was capable of taking me out of the picture somehow...so don't think you are the only one who is sensitive...and don't allow yourself to excuse yourself from doing what you need to do because of it!!!
"3.) I can pick myself back up with my bootstraps and become the fun-loving, kind-hearted, sexual woman that I once was...I need to learn to be patient, not only with this situation, but with myself"
Pick number 3 BUT edit out all the other crap...this is all you need!!!
"I'm a bit impatient LOL, so anything to speed up this process would be wonderful...."
Again, you CAN NOT speed this up no matter what you do...but what will happen when you take the focus off of him and put it on you is you will begin to feel in control and you will feel your confidence return....
What are things you can do...well it is up to you...what makes you feel good...I did some pottery, painting, poetry, dined outside at a nice restaurant...alone, I would lay in the sunshine on a nice warm day and focus on the feel of the breeze on my skin, the feel of the sunshining on ME, I listened to the little birds chirping away, I watched the butterfly flutter around, I listened to the wind blow through the trees....I got a hummingbird feeder and enjoyed watching them...really watching them and their antics...even named on, Eugene!...All these things brought me calm, peace, and the realization that things were not so bad...that life was worth living and it was up to me to live!...these were easy things for me to do...and while I was doing them I felt great...later I might have sat down and cried my eyes out....I might have felt very sad, hurt, and devistated...but I knew where the light was...and I made sure I got into that light each day!!!...this is how I started feeling better for ME...
POSTIVES
No one has filed for D He does still speak to you (my H wouldn't for months at a time, not even the kids) He asks if your hungry and brings lunch He hasn't moved all his belongings out of the house He doesn't spend every single moment of his free time with OW He is willing to not tell others about OW and act as if he is still with you He still wishes to work with you even on new ventures (my H was cutting me out of his work) He isn't telling you things about OW ( I had to hear how wonderfully perfect my H's OW was)
I have to tell you Tam, you have many many many more positives then I did for a very very very long time...I had to rely more on faith then hope because he wasn't giving me any hope at all...
So get with your day...make it what you want...and stop obsessing about H...he will take care of himself...you need to focus on YOU for now!
Just a quick note, as I am going to lie down for a while...
After my panic attack this morning when writing to Penny, I felt like I was losing my mind. I was so desperate and helpless. Suicide thoughts started crossing my mind... I didn't know how I could handle this pain for another minute...
So I called my doctor's office and scheduled an appointment with another doctor the soonest they could get me in, which was at 9:15. We went over all of the meds I'm taking, and he told me not to worry about overmedicating - what I'm taking is fine. What he did was presribe a different "emergency drug" rather than the Xanax, as that has seemed to have lost some of its effect. He prescribed Lorazapan (sp?) I believe. He said it reacts a little differently than the Xanax and also has a slightly longer effect than the Xanax.
I was still feeling really desperate, scared, not knowing how to cope, etc., when I left his office, so I went ahead and popped the new pills. They seem to be working but are making me really tired.
About the Wellbutrin, he said I'm already almost at the max dosage of it and it can take up to a month to take effect, so he was hesitant to change that yet since I've only been on it for a month. So the only thing we changed for now is my "emergency drug."
I also scheduled an "emergency" appointment with my individual counselor this afternoon.
If any of you get this in the next hour and a half or so, it would really, really help me if you could make a bullet point list of the things that you think I personally need to work on to better myself and thus my M.
I know controlling and obsessive are two biggies. Will you see what you can come up with?
Thanks, guys. I will write more later but just want to lie down for a while...
Tam...it is really hard to tell you what to work on since we don't really know you personally...we can point out the biggies that we see in your writing...and that we have pointed out to you...
Again, you need to stop working on your marriage for now...and totally focus on working on YOU...
Did you tell the Dr. you were having suicidal thoughts???...This is crucial as some of the antidepressents can cause this to happen and people have actually attempted (some succeeded) suicide...So this is no minor issue...this is MAJOR!
When using lorazepam, it should be recognized that suicidal tendencies may be present and that protective measures may be required
Lorazepam may increase the effects of other drugs that cause drowsiness, including antidepressants, alcohol, antihistamines, sedatives (used to treat insomnia), pain relievers, anxiety medicines, seizure medicines, and muscle relaxants. Tell your doctor about all medicines that you are taking, and do not take any medicine without first talking to your doctor.
Lorazepam is habit forming. You can become physically and psychologically dependent on the medication. Do not take more than the prescribed amount of medication or take it for longer than is directed by your doctor. Withdrawal effects may occur if lorazepam is stopped suddenly after several weeks of continuous use. Your doctor may recommend a gradual reduction in dose.
My concern for you right now is that you get yourself into a better place emotionally...stop worrying about H...you can't continue to rely on these drugs...if you think you can "drug" your way through this you need to go back and read the posts to you...someone, can't remember right now who...mentioned that if there was a magic pill she would have found it by now...I ditto that...as I said, I did take some AD's for a short period of time but soon realized I was better off feeling my feelings...allowing myself to have them...and work on getting better myself...the drugs didn't help me get better and I could see where they would have caused more problems for me had I continued...I think they have their place...but again if you think they are going to "carry" you through this...you are only fooling yourself and eventually you will have to face this all again...
I think you need to do some self soothing things...I listed some that I used...non-drug, non-alcoholic...and try and work through some of your own issues...try and focus on your positive traits and increase them...you can only do so much...if you fill your life with positives it leaves less room for the negatives....it is really that simple!
As always, thank you for all of the time and care that you take in responding to me and helping to "lift me up."
The Lorazepam seemed to work really well today, but I should have just taken one pill I think (I took two). They made me really sleepy, and I'm having a hard time "snapping out of it." I think I'm going to see if I can just take a short nap for an hour, hour and a half and then get back up.
BTW, I HAVE NOT GONE TO THE OFFICE AT ALL TODAY!!! I was so freaked out this morning when I went to the doctor that I just threw on some sweats, hair in a pony tail, etc. Don't really feel like showering and getting pretty today - and it's been a long time since I've allowed myself to do that.
Haven't heard from H yet either today by phone or e-mail. I forwarded a phone message to him but did not "announce" it or anything. That was it!
If I'm able to take this nap, then I need to go up to the office and see if I can concentrate on work for at least several hours. I'll consider my "sweats day" my treat for myself today rather than going shopping since I spent so much of this day "coping."
Hope H isn't at the office and sees me all untidy like this - I don't want him to think I'm upset or out of sorts in any way...
Therapist appointment was okay today, but not great. I don't feel like she's really helping me by giving me tools to work on my issues, i.e., controlling, obsessive, perfectionist, etc. She said I need to change my frame of mind and that events will happen on their own that will help me to secure the right results??? something like that...
Anyway, will someone please write a bullet point list of things I need to be doing and not doing around H and also what I need to be doing for myself. I got the list of relaxing things, which is great. Any other ideas???
I'm leaving for the office. Real quick... I realized that I haven't seen or talked to H in over a week now!
I just saw that he sent me an e-mail about a half hour ago, but I'm not going to respond. He said something about did I get his message earlier, so he must have left a phone message, too....
At least he's home safe from wherever he went....
Have been thinking tonight about the things I can do again to make me happy: gardening, going to movies, going to the gym, finishing up the decorating in our bathroom... those are what I came up with so far... will work on a better list later.
Well if H sees you enjoying your "sweats day" then I would just say that I planned on "casual Wednesday, sorry you missed the memo!"
I do hope you research for yourself some of the meds your taking...and definitely not taking two at time the first go around...not a good idea with new meds...I only copied a few things down on Lorazapam, there is much much more on just that one...it is sad to say but sometimes doctors don't always prescribe wisely...there are plenty of examples of entertainers that overdosed on mixtures of legally prescribed medications...and doctors are required to carry medical malpractice insurance for a reason...they are not perfect...when I am prescribed anything new I totally read all the fine print that comes with it...if I don't get the information handed to me I will ask the pharmacist for it or I will look it up online...a few times I have found that what I was prescribed was not the best thing to use for my condition...so please do your homework...you have to take care of YOU
Avoid personal discussions Don't question Accept his answers as he states them without requestioning Don't assume anything and don't ask Smile Be pleasant Don't be too available Turn down invitations on occassion Mind your business and let him mind his Have a daily plan before you leave the house Make sure to do something that you enjoy even if it is just stopping to smell the roses
