Treading carefully

[25yearsmlc]

Dear DadIP,

Did you use to have a different display name? Your sitch sounds totally familiar but the display name doesn't. Then again, sometimes we put our real names at the bottom and God knows what on the top....anyhow, let me know. I will ponder your questions to give a smartypants answer tomorrow. BTW, I have at least 5 "episodes" lasting up to 10 minutes, every day, where I start asking myself wth I am doing moving up there...lots of fears, etc. But the limbo had to end and frankly, I feel embarrassed to divorce b/c of a JOB. No job is worth losing your family. I recall Jackie Kennedy being asked about how her children. The reporter complimented her on how close Caroline and John Jr. were. She said, "thanks, I felt that if I couldn't be a good mother, nothing else I do in life would really matter..."
Amen. Think about it.

There are emotions involved ("duh!!) but here is a good "hypothetical" exercise for you. If you can remove the hurt and all emotion for five minutes and look truly objectively, you can assess which opportunity is best for whom. (you can do this alone without W even knowing.) Make that decision, in a vacuum, even though you know no life choices are made that way. Okay, so now you have Job factor weighing in favor of "K". Objectively look at the kids and their welfare. Moving is gross and stressful. But maybe where they live now, the schools are not as good as the next location's, AND if they have never moved, it could do them well to see another area and meet new people once in their life. Adaptability is underrated in my book. Except when it comes to divorce. ((We all bend over backwards to get the kids into the "right" schools, hanging with the "right" kind of kids, but then we suck at being a happy married couple.)) Which choice is best for them? ( Again, make the choice in a vacuum for the sake of the exercise. Otherwise NO choices will be clear) SO, the kids welfare is, say, a factor in favor of "Y". Then Look at the finances, which are not completely about the job. One job could be boring, but gets you closer to your "wife's" goal of an early retirement. Is this also your goal? Factor it in. Rationally deciding is NOT possible under the circumstances, I know. But cognitive awareness is important so you know why things happen the way they do. When things get too one sided, it's possible the "beneficiary" of that imbalance will see it, when they see it on paper.

But if you choose to insert the emotions into them, make sure they are the healthy kind. Like, both of you wanting the M to work, and being humble enough to work on your own issues, is an emotional part, but it's healthy. Being angry or punitive (and boy is that tempting at times) are not healthy. Sometimes it is hard to tell which is which. We can rationalize almost as well as the MLC/WAS...."teaching them a lesson" --bad. "making up for the pain I've caused"--good. Remember to Keep the Road Home Paved and Smooth. My DB coach told me that one, and I said it to myself daily.

I think it was F. Scott Fitzgerald who said that "Every man should be able to make an ass of himself once in his life." SInce I am such a radical feminist, I submit that the comment applies equally to women. Have a good day,
j-