As always, you are such an inspiration, Lin. I love hearing about your story...

Lin, Virginia, and Penny, thank you all for getting me through today. Luckily, I didn't do anything stupid... Thank goodness. I am taking Wellbutrin, too, plus some anti-anxiety drug, plus a sleep aid, plus the Xanax as needed... Wow... I have an appointment with the doctor a week from tomorrow and will let him know that things seem to have gotten worse for me as far as frequent meltdowns and still not sleeping very good.

Quote:
until the wound heals she will remain there

Can you elaborate on this? Is it the wound that *I* created in H? Do you think it is still doomed to fail in time? Not like my R with him isn't unhealthy right now, but there's seems so unhealthy, too. How must it be to not be able to take calls from her and talk to her in front of others? How must it be to not be able to take her to family functions? How must it be to not be able to talk openly about her with the "guys"? That's got to be hard... The nice thing is, his friends and family are so kind and nice to me - we've built great relationships. While I think if they knew the "whole truth" about where we are at today, they would see how this could have happened, I think they would be furious that he has continued this M AND stayed with OW. Sometimes I think he just blocks it completely out of his head, but I don't know how this R could possibly go anywhere.

That's why I keep praying that if I can just hold on and not be a basket case and get my head and heart together that I will start to look more and more attractive to him and she less and less. As they spend more time together, their "flaws" will begin to come out. They are still in the infatuation stage, and I know that... It's just so hard to be patient and then not know if it's ever going to pay off or if I am going through this hell for nothing (even though I know the ultimate goal is about changing ME).... I know, I know. Keep drilling that into my head, guys. It's not quite sinking in yet.

Thanks for the "devil's advocate" regarding what/where H is/doing. I can only pray that whatever it is will help our situation... You're right, I don't have a right to know where he is at, but because of our business, it would have been nice to just know that he was going to be out of town for a few days in case anything came up... That's all I was saying. It's not that he "owes" it to me; it's just a courtesy that "friends" do for each other...

Thanks for the ideas on the to-do list. I will make one for tomorrow and will add a personal one as well.

Hey, need quick advice - forgot to ask this - what do I say to H when I do finally see him? Nothing? I was expecting for him to be the one to be asking me how my trip was, but now it's going to be kind of weird... Do I just say "hi, how are you" and leave it at that? And then if he asks me about my trip I'll give him the what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas line??? What do you think?

So, I figure I have three options here at this point:
1.) I can continue to have what seem to have become daily meltdowns, get nothing done at work, be miserable, have dry heaves, shake like a leaf, lose all my makeup ;), and just "get by," praying that H will come to his senses.
2.) I can say I'm done with this R and file for D myself and get it over with and deal with that pain, which you're already telling me is no less pain than this pain... and I'll never forgive myself for not sucking it up and doing everything I could to save my M. And I'll also never know if I HAD stuck it out if he would have come back to me... I don't want to live with any regrets.
3.) I can pick myself back up with my bootstraps and become the fun-loving, kind-hearted, sexual woman that I once was and that he wants me to be.... How do I get there? First of all, I need to learn to be patient, not only with this situation, but with myself... In case you all haven't already noticed, I am an EXTREMELY emotional person (I cry at Disney movies). I wear my heart on my sleeve and often get hurt by that. To that end, some of the things that I know I need to do may be harder for me to accomplish than those with different personalities. I'm not trying to make excuses; I'm just saying that this is an extremely difficult position to be in when you are already an emotional person to start with (to think I cry at Bambi and now have to deal with this???)

So, I choose #3, even though today I think I would rather have died than the pain that took me over today. It was truly awful.

So when you say that once you started taking care of yourself, it happened relatively quickly, will you give me some specific examples of what you did? That will help me a lot - as you may know, I'm a bit impatient LOL, so anything to speed up this process would be wonderful....

And, again, please tell me that you think there is still hope, that I didn't screw up my one and only chance when H came home and went on that first trip with me???? Are there any positives that you see in his behaviors?