Thanks, Virginia. I appreciate your sharing your experiences, time for healing, etc. At this point, I just have no comprehension of how I could EVER go through the pain I'm having today for 12 months. I don't know how I would bear it...
And with the business, I don't HAVE a support team; it's just myself and H. So all of this pressure is just on ME because there is no one else that does what I do in our business - H does his part and I do mine.
I don't want to let him down and the people we do business with down... we have some mortgages coming due that I STILL need to do the refinances on, and I just can't bring myself to get the paperwork together. I just want to run and hide in a hole for as long as I can...
I know I shouldn't tell H that I'm feeling so overwhelmed with the business, but on the other hand, does he deserve to know? I don't want to make him feel guilty, and at the same time, I just don't want to do this anymore. I know I said I wanted to do whatever it takes to make sure I left no stone unturned to try and save this M, but to stay married to someone while they are sleeping with someone else and have to stay in business with them is almost getting to the point of being unbearable (if it isn't already)...
How do you know when you've had enough? How do you know when to just say "that's it; I'm done with this?" Jody (DB coach said it's too soon for the ultimatum, that it won't work in my favor, and I know that, too. I guess I just want to get on with my life, either with or without him, instead of being in this limbo land.
I don't know why my attitude has changed so much since I've been home. I guess even though I wasn't supposed to, I did have some expectations that the steps I was taking were going to have even the smallest impact on our R. And to find out that he's (probably) on a trip with OW? I feel like what I did backfired....
I've got to run to an appointment, but keep writing to me, PLEASE!!!!
Now you know your not supposed to be driving by OWs. And you know you are not supposed to assume. Why do you think they went our of town together? Wouldn't they only need one car IF they went out of town together. OW was probably at work and H was probably at a job site or one of you many properties.
Have you ever thought maybe he spent the time you were away at your own home? Or maybe he took off out of town alone to think just like you did? Maybe he went back to his parents. Maybe he flew to Vegas?
See where I am getting at? The possibilities are endless which is why it is not a good idea to assume.
I wanted to say I thought it was a good sign your H went to your home the other night. That is a sign that things between him and OW are not as tight as you may think they are.
As for how to work...well, when my H abandoned us I was just beginning my training for driving a school bus...I had major tests to do and was having trouble focusing....I got a red light ticket and had to do traffic school as it would have messed up my licensing...I was in a minor traffic accident the same day and had to pay cash for the repair of the other person's car so it wouldn't go on my record as well...I was a basket case...what did I do???
Well...I got up every morning, made my list of things that I HAD TO DO...and I just made myself do them....if I had to cry on my way to training I did....if I had to cry on my way home I did...I had to study and study and try and remember...it was so very hard...now this began just a few days before H moved out... finally I had passed all my written tests and interviews...now for the driving test...guess who administers that test???...The California Highway Patrol...in uniform...on the bus!!!....The day of my test it rained...I had NEVER driven the bus in the rain...he took me down a street I had never been down (forgot to mention I was driving the boss's bus!)....asked me to do the backing manuever around a corner staying 16" from the curb....in a 45' bus this is no easy task on a bright sunny day...once seated in the drivers seat you are not allowed to get up...I should have just told him that I couldn't do it....I couldn't see well enough out of the mirrors...but I tried....I failed...I hit a block pillar and crunched the back of the bus pretty good...needless to say that was automatic fail...then to top it off the district I was applying for said I was no longer hireable....and I needed a job....after a month of feeling sorry for myself I called back the manager and asked for another non-driving position....he said he didn't have a permanent position but I could work as a substitute....so I took it...he took pity on my situation and made sure I had fairly regular work...I worked my heart out at that job...then several months later I had the pleasure of working alone with him...I asked if there was anyway I could finish what I started and get licensed with our district because I didn't want to work for another (they said they would help me get on with another school district when this happened)....he gave me another chance!!!...I was scared to death but I did it!!!....I passed my test....I got my license and I got the job I needed.....did I go through hell???...did I have every part of my being tested???....YOU CAN BET YOUR SWEET BIPPY I DID!!!...but I did it....with three kids, no home, limited income, and some health issues to boot....I did it...and so can you....
You have to commit to YOU...your not working so your husband can have success....you are working so you can BE successful!!!...for now you just need to set your daily goal and make not matter what it takes...
You also need...and I mean this...you need to stop obsessing over H and the OW....she is not the cause...she is the Band Aide....until the wound heals she will remain there...how fast that wound heals depends in part on YOU and how well you take care of yourself...
I think what happened is you took your trip to Vegas...spent way too much time focusing on what you WANTED when you got back instead of what you NEEDED to do for yourself when you returned...
You are giving H way too much control...you are glamorizing the A way too much and assuming everything...just because both cars are gone how do you get they are together???...could it be she went her way and he went his for totally unrelated reasons???...why would a couple take a trip together and drive separate???...frankly your reasoning makes no sense to me...and where do you get off expecting him to tell you his comings and goings anyway...if I remember correctly he left you...and because of this you don't have a right to be informed of all of his actions....with or without OW....he doesn't want to be controlled or micro managed by you...he is tired of your controlling personality especially in his personal life....believe it or not just because your married doesn't give your spouse a right to control your every move...and this is what you have been doing...yes, he allowed it...but that doesn't mean he liked it....remember, I speak from experience on this...
Your attitude has changed since you have been home because you have allowed it to...you have lost control of your own emotions...this is what YOU have done to yourself...not what H has done....
Tam...write down what you need to do for tomorrow...and get it done...if for some reason you can't get it done...or you need to delegate some of this back to H now would be a good time...I would just say something like "I am not feeling up to par and these things need your attention right away. Will you please take care of them."....do this by email or test message...avoid personal contact....this will avoid making him feel guilty...
All I can say is you have to pull it together....and only YOU can do it...
I would also rethink talking to your mom...I am not saying to involve them...but you need the support...yes it will hurt them to see you hurting...but being a parent myself I can tell you right now that I would rather be there for my child then find out after the fact....I would want to help my child in any way I could...my mother was extremely strong for me...I really didn't know my mom had this in her...I didn't trash H...although she did know about his A and that I had filed for D twice...but she always left me to make my own decisions...
(((HUG))) Now pull yourself together!!!....YOU HAVE GOT TO GET THROUGH THIS...there is NO WAY around it!!!...you can fight it...you can drag it out...but it will still be there until you face it and fight through it....like a baby coming into the world...labor is very tramatic...but also very necessary for the life to begin....so get with it!
Tam...write down what you need to do for tomorrow...and get it done...if for some reason you can't get it done...or you need to delegate some of this back to H now would be a good time...I would just say something like "I am not feeling up to par and these things need your attention right away. Will you please take care of them."....do this by email or test message...avoid personal contact....this will avoid making him feel guilty...
Geez - this is such good practical advice - and it will totally work.
Tam - I didn't tell you timeframes to suggest you are going to be looking at anything like those, but rather to illustrate that I let myself be in pain for that long because I kept trying to find ways to fill the grief, rather than grow a strong sense of myself into it. ONce I figured out that I really had to work on myself, it happened relatively quickly.
You can do this. You have all the resources available to you and when you are using them you make good progress.
You need to return to thinking about what things you can do to make yourself stronger and better able to deal with this.
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You also need...and I mean this...you need to stop obsessing over H and the OW....
Ditto. Enough said.
On your list of 'must-do-for-the-business' that you are going to write for tomorrow, you should write just one 'must-do-to-build-my-emotional-health' thing. It can be anything, go for a walk, take a bath, watch your favourite programme, go to the gym, eat an icecream - anything that u can use to treat youself with. That will be a start to continuing to heal yourself.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
LOL...Walkingback...not sur where your at in this world but this is saying I grew up with...I guess "bippy" could be anything...you bet your sweet A$$....your bet your sweet cookies...you bet your last dollar....
Hey hang in there girl....You are going to make it. You are having the ole anxiety ( I have been there) You can't focus. You can't get the simplest job done it seems. I went on Wellbrutin but they had me on to high dosage and instead of helping it made things worse. I was so uptight it was scary. We cut the doses down and was better for a while then I have since cut it again because the same feeling of being uptight was back. I believe it was making me worse instead of helping. I don't get those super uptight moments now. I do have set backs like this week end. But I am learning to take deep breaths and try to talk myself out of it. I used to just sit on the floor and cry. This totally out of character for me and it scared me the person I had became. Maybe the xanex is doing the same thing.
Hey guys you are amazing the advice you give. ImLIn you have come such a long way you are really an inspiration. Walkinback and Concernlistener and HB you guys are all the greatest. I have gain so much just reading what you write to 2940 I have one question IMLIn were you married 25 years too.
2940 it is so hard not to obsess over what H is doing and if he is spending all his extra time with OW. My SIL told me today that my H OW sent her daughter back to live with her dad. Why all of a sudden would she do that? HMM Seems like that makes it alot easier. What I am getting at normally it would have sent me over the edge. I know you can gain like I have because it wasn't to long ago I couldn't think of anything but them. Start trying to think of anything POSITIVE you can. I went to web site break-free-from-the-affair.com . They have encouraging advice too. It is just like DB but alittle different. I will write you a list that they sent me that I keep going back to time after time. I use DR and this list. I left it in the car because sometimes I have to look at work to get me thru. It helps improve you.....
You are a great girl. Lets try and concentrate on you. I have just gotten the same advice to read about detachment. You and I both need to do that. We are still in business with them but we need to think about ourselves now and what is the best for us financially. I am trying to get everything done that I let go financially so I can better myself. Lets both give it a try...
YOU CAN DO IT. You have great support. HUG HUG HUG
I know I've rambled on but take some deep breaths and a glass of wine really helps me at night.
Take care of YOU....We all care. Welll its late and I think I will go to bed.
I know, I know, HeartScared - NO SNOOPING. And I keep telling myself that and then backsliding, but I don't backslide as much as I used to.
I know he is out of town somewhere, because we only have two job sites he could be at, and he's been at neither of those. He also hasn't been to our office AT ALL since I've been back (I left some bills on his chair that are still there). AND his suitcase that he "brought to the office to live out of" after we got home from his parents' house is no longer at the office.... He's gone somewhere; you're right that I just don't know where. And it's possible that they took both cars and parked one somewhere... who knows. I freaked out today wondering if she took him to meet her parents or something... (Do you think he/she could stomach that??? - Ugh...) I'm sure it's much less than I'm making it out to be. I guess I'm just hurt because he didn't even tell me (even for the sake of our business) that he was going to be gone a few days. At least I had the courtesy to do that.
So no phone calls from him or e-mails since Saturday night - when he got his hair cut! It all adds up... But, on the flip side, maybe he knew that I was doing some soul searching and decided he'd better do that, too, and purposely planned a trip with her to spend more time with her??? Or maybe he is even by himself somewhere - I just don't know where it would be...
Anyway, I've calmed down in the last few hours or so and have actually gotten a little bit of work done (I'm at HOME)...
I know I keep asking you all this and you keep telling me the same thing, but do you still think that there is hope for our M? I'm asking you this based on the signs he has given and the things he has done...
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I wanted to say I thought it was a good sign your H went to your home the other night. That is a sign that things between him and OW are not as tight as you may think they are.
Not so sure about this. Sure, I'm elated that he came home, but he slept on the couch downstairs and didn't say one word to me. I think the only reason he came home was because he was too tired and/or thought he had too much to drink to drive the distance to her house (our house was much closer to where we were coming from). And, it wasn't like he went up to our bed and wanted to be with me or anything - just laid out on the couch, and then the next day took his same nice clothes that he wore the night before with him.... Maybe for this trip???? Oh, doesn't the mind play tricks on us...
My H left 6 months before our 25th...we had already picked out the cake for our party (the first party we would have had with more then just family in attendance...we were going to go all out on this one) and were planning on a romantic cruise for our special Silver Anniversary...that blew up in my face and was the hardest thing I had to face...even now it hurts to know that my 25th anniversary went totally unobserved...
The good news is we just celebrated our 27th anniversary...since the 24th anniversary this was the first!...It wasn't marked with great gifts because things are still tough...but he did tell me he loved me...something I hadn't heard for atleast 2 1/2 years...
Yes there is still hope...how much pretty depends upon you...you are setting yourself up for emotional breakdowns...
putting mail in his chair and checking to see if has been removed...gee, ya think maybe he is on to you and doesn't want to feel controlled so he is leaving it there???
Ya suppose he might be off BY HIMSELF doing some soul searching....like you did by yourself???
Maybe he feels if there was a real emergency you would call his cell phone (don't dare test this out unless there is a REAL emergency)...he might be testing you period...seeing if he can break you into pursuing him since you withdrew during your Vegas trip....this is a good thing!!!
Why would they hide one car...from who??? You???...excuse me but he isn't hiding the A or OW so why would he hide a car???
Maybe he needed a haircut???...Maybe he went out of town to meet some clients, friends, sabatical...whatever...it shouldn't be of this much concern to you....
He felt safe enough to come home...even if he stayed on the couch...at least you KNOW where he was that night!!!
You need to stop focusing on his actions and just mind your own...you are in no place to be giving your energy away...or any power that you might have...as long as you do you will continue to stall in this hellish place of personal misery...and you will continue to jeapordize your ability to DB in a positive manner.
Tam...relax...meditate on positives...avoid negatives...watch funny shows...avoid relationship shows or topics...you have to get control of yourself before you lose it all...
