Read your chapter...and I think there is more than just high/low desire between couples. I think my H has been acting celibate off and on for about 6 years out of a 12 yr marriage as a long term control issue with me....and H was surprised when I backed off on pursuing him. (I work with a lot of clients in crisis and realize you have to wait until client is ready to go forward).
With no kids and a hysterectomy..... blaming kids is no excuse... something is wrong in this relationship/ marriage. Getting married in mid 30's didn't seem to help making better a better marriage...maybe H & I should have dated a lot more people before deciding on one another. I was raised Catholic and know that love can wane and grow...and look at the long term life together.
I am beginning to wonder if husband has stayed with me since he could get away with no sex (due to my dramatic weight gain after hysterectomy early on in marriage)...and he has gained 30 lbs himself. Relationship seems more platonic to H....someone to go to movies with and out for a meal at this time. H is like Peter Pan and I am a grown up Wendy now accepting of growing older...while my H wants to keep getting younger.
I HAD IT...last fall....downstairs/upstairs roommates that don't seem to talk or like or know each other any more. Husband recently blames me that he moved upstairs due to my weight and snoring...although he only told me that he was having problems sleeping (light sleeper). H cut me out of outings with neighbor couple for last 9 months...didn't even invite me most of the time.
Being 48, I still have time and desires for a kindred spirit...sexually and emotionally. I miss the cuddling, holding hands, spoon sleeping in bed together besides sex. We have an ideal love nest.... out in country with no close neighbors so could do anything inside or outside we want. Jacuzzi in barn.... with suits optional..... but we are NOT having sex! H is in living in town for 3 months and seems to like being close to activities there... although he was raised on a farmette... and loves being a nature boy... so maybe I am overwhelming him.
I do think my H work burnout, depression, and MLC (while working with lots of 30 yr old women) combined are causing this long term funk.
We have not taken a LONG vacation together since 1998... when we spent 2 weeks around AZ.... hiking, exploring, staying in different motels. H especially enjoys camping and getting romantic there.... but no camping in last 4 years either. I wish H could take at least 2 week vacation and spend time together like a 2nd honeymoon.... but he would need to take the time off... and has been more interested in an occasional day here and there for what he wants to do (airplane lessons and fly ins).
My life will go on and is evolving without him since I officially got legal separation 12/24 since H is not keeping verbal financial agreements... and is hinting about larger apartment and car soon. I am hoping that he will get out of this funk he's in.... if ever.
The MLC board and the 6 stages string has helped put things into perspective for me. I can't see sex with H until we are back to being friends and reconnecting. We were doing impromptu dates since physical separation last fall... until 3 weeks ago... when husband upset about my spending money on house wiring (which is unsafe).... and no word from him since.
I do think for H that his family and their views on relationships contribute to where he is. I think H has unresolved family issues contributing to relationship problems... H father married 2x, mother 3x, older sister divorced 2x, younger sister 1x, nephew 1x and 3 years later still not married to live-in girlfriend, niece sep recently after <1 yr of marriage (though couple for 7 years).
I've learned in the last year that H younger sister was sexually molested by older sister's 1st husband... and older sisters' 2nd husband tried to have sex with her 17 yr old daughter. Maybe there is some old abuse issues that I am not aware. My husband is short/slim build and soft spoken and H could have been mistaken as being gay or been abused in the past. If H won't open up to me.... or anyone else.... things won't improve.
H uncle (who H was named after) shot and killed ex-wife of 10 years and himself a couple of years ago on a holiday). H was quite upset about killings... H indicated that he would have killed uncle.... if uncle had not committed suicide. Maybe there is some control and depression issues that my husband seems to be exhibiting like other men in his family.... uncle and his dad.
Even with separation, I am not thinking of the big D.... would like to leave the door open.... even it takes a year or more. The longer the separation and more I go forward, I may change my mind and decide moving forward with a man that appreciates, loves, and wants to spend more time with me. (I would prefer to not have to become a step mom....I am not the mom type)...so finding another man w/o attachments may be more difficult.
For now, I am lucky to have some important male sounding boards... with other agency work colleagues, friends and neighbors to make up for part of what I am missing from H.
I found a used airdyne exercise bike, which I plan on using it to strengthen my legs and help get back in shape. I've lost over 35 lbs already...and I am getting stronger every day. For my height and frame, I still could lose another 60+ lbs so I am working day by day on my issues.
Our 2 cats are keeping me company more than ususal so they must sense that we need to comfort and support one another... too bad my H doesn't get that! Been playing Mannheim Steam Roller and Kenny G...the music seems to be a reflection of how I feel this year....new to me mellow music reflecting on life so far...with hope for the future.
irish2 
