The trip was pretty good...but can't say it was romantic...but we all had a great time...I will write more later...
As for you and the emotions...sometimes they just need to come out...one concern I have is that I do research on any medication I am given by a doctor and have found things that a Dr. might fail to inform you about...such as side effects...it could be that you are having rebound effects from both the Xanax and the sleeping pills...some meds MUST be taken at certain times...and others as needed...also...it is very important to get on a personal schedule for sleep and wake times...it seems that you are taking sleeping pills when you should be waking up (i.e. around 7 am)...I realize you are tired but maybe plan on taking the sleeping pill at a regular time at night, say 10pm...then hopefully getting 8 hours of sleep in...wake rested and get up at say 8am every morning....your body needs a schedule of rest/sleep/wake time....this will help tremedously with your emotions also...
If you are having trouble sleeping even with meds at night...try taking a long walk before or after dinner (make sure you eat at regular times, as close as you can)....concentrate on deep breathes, exhales, and getting the pulse up....come home, take a long hot shower....watch something light and funny on TV or read a good book...avoid emotional issues at this time...YOU NEED TO SLEEP....prayer is a good thing to do at this time too...let God hear your heart...pour it out to him...and let it go
I know how aweful this all is...I had this happen when I didn't have a job, a home, and I had 3 kids depending on me (2 were young adults and they got jobs to help me but they still needed a mom!)...I had been married for almost 25 years too...it was a blow to me...a hard blow...
You can do this...but it has been eating at me...you say you are close to your mom...don't you think now would be a good time to talk to her???...I know I kept this thing from my very best friend...when she found out she was hurt that I hadn't told her...after that she became a rock for me...this happened a few times as word got out...in the end it helped me to not have to hold in this aweful thing...and to have someone to talk to...the only thing to be cautious of is disclosing the details and putting H in bad light...it is best just to say we are going through a bad time...I think he is having a major MLC....or we need to get our selves straight before we can work on our marriage...it will be obvious to those who love you that your emotions have been controling you and H...maybe they can honestly help you with this...so...what do you think???
Gotta run, but real quick... My Mom and Dad are very protective of me - I am their "baby." They also worry a lot, just like me. 1.) If I tell them something is wrong, they will worry, and I don't want to cause turmoil in THEIR lives. 2.) If I don't tell them the WHOLE truth about what is going on, they will worry, too. And, if I start talking about it, I probably won't be ABLE to not tell the whole truth. 3.) WHEN we get through this, they will have to heal and forgive H, too. If they never know/knew about, it spares them both the pain now and the pain when we reconcile....
I still think it would be good for you to talk/confide in someone you know personally...they know you, understand you, and care about you...maybe a friend who will understand your desire to reconcile later on...one who won't ask to many questions of you but will allow you to talk...
Interesting that you are the "baby"...ME TOO...iteresting too that they worry a lot just like you...maybe this is something for you to focus on...I know my H told me that I worried "too much"...he said this drove him nuts as he always tried to keep things going and I was the one in turmoil keeping him distracted....now I try not to worry about things that I can't do anything about...it isn't easy to do...but I am working on it...it does make my life less stressful...
One thing you need to consider in keeping this totally silent from family...is IF in the event things don't work out and they are told how will they feel about you keeping them in the dark and keeping them from being there to support you???
You do what you need to do but personally I think you need a bit closer support system...one that knows you and help you pull yourself together when you need it most...I didn't cry to my family all that much...but there were times that talking to my sister or my mom did help me...and like I said I had a few very close friends that totally understood me and supported me...one even assured me that if H and I did reconcile that they would be just as happy for me....they were there for US or ME...whatever I needed...those were true friends!!!
I DO know that friends/family will not be happy that we kept this from them, and at the same time, when I tell them my reasoning, I hope they will understand and respect my decision not to hurt them, too. On the other hand, if they did know, they might put pressure on H, which may be good, may be bad, but I think I read in one of the books that it's not good to involve family and ask for their help in reconciling...
I was thinking that maybe I would tell the girlfriend that I went out with the other night - the one I told you about who is going through the separation. She has only met H once or twice and is not in real estate, not in our circle of friends. I don't know her that well, but she is going through what I'm going through right now, except that she is now on the other side of it of wanting a D while her H wants to work it out, but no A involved. I will consider talking to her.
I DO really feel like I want to talk to my Mom so much, as she is my best friend, and I know she would want to be there for me. At the same time, I love her so much, and I don't want her to hurt just to make ME feel better, if that makes sense.
Lin, I'm having such a hard time. I don't know what has happened to me since I got home from Vegas, but I just can't stop crying and obsessing over this. I need to call some girlfriends and schedule some lunches/dinners and get back to they gym. I know that will help.
Mostly, I just need to be able to focus on my work again. Lin, I'm getting really, really scared about our business. Bills are behind, paperwork is behind -- and you've got to understand that that is SO UNLIKE me. I am a perfectionist and very detail-oriented... I know it would help me to get caught up on my work, and at the same time, I just don't care....
Why am I having such a hard time these last few days, Lin? Where is this coming from, and what do I do? I'm tired of crying. And I keep telling myself, just relax, take deep breaths, and think about something positive - think how good it will feel to get all of this work done - think how good it will feel when you save this M to know that you hung in there on these types of days... but then 2 minutes later I'm back in tears... Help, Lin!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay. So H is not at the job site again today and hasn't been to the office....
So, I freaked out and checked his credit card. The last charge was Saturday for a haircut. Then nothing...
I didn't want to stop by the job site and ask them about him - don't want them to know anything. I don't know what H told them... Didn't want to mess anything up.
If he was going out of town, even if it was with HER, don't you think he would have at least had the courtesy to TELL me???? Even if he just said he was going out of town and I did ask if it was with her, he could have lied - how would I ever know???? So there's no credit card charges on either our business or his personal card since Saturday....
So then I freaked out more and drove around her house, looking for his car. I didn't see her car or his car.
So, now I'm sure he's gone somewhere, and probably with her... (haircut before he leaves???).
I am literally shaking right now and just numb. I know he needs to do what he needs to do right now, but to think of them having a trip together.... I know we've had trips together, too, but I don't think he's told her that he was with me. I know I shouldn't be upset...
I guess it's just hard because I haven't seen him since I've been home, and although I know I wasn't supposed to have any expectations, I certainly didn't expect for him to be GONE!!! Help me, guys. I seriously am in such a bad place mentally right now... I literally don't know what to do. Is this a panic attack? God, how am I going to get through this?
And I have so much work to do....... I am in a really, really bad place right now, guys... I'm scared......
2940831, Do you have a therapist that you see? Can they get you in any sooner? Have you been having trouble functioning for a few weeks? Maybe you should consult with your PCP and see if they will prescribe a low dosage of an AD or anti-anxiety RX. It would be a temporary solution, so that you can resume (or begin) some coping skills.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Thank you. I do have a therapist I've been seeing. I just saw her yesterday and am scheduled to see her again next Monday. I am also consulting with a DB coach. And I also have some meds to help me, the Xanax for these mid-day crises... But they're not helping as much as they used to...
Thanks for writing on my thread and for all of your advice.
Girlfriend. You are not going to die. If you are having a panic attack, it might feel like you are going to die - but you're not. What you are experiencing is a response to severe stress. You are going to be OK. Breath. Go take a bath. Pour a glass of wine. I'm going to post this now and work on a longer post.
I'm here at my computer and I'm thinking of you and praying for you. OK?
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
2940831, Let us know how the DB coaching session goes. It seems that most people who consult with one, find it valuable. I think you're wise to increase your support network, when you're struggling with coping. I'll be eager to hear how it goes.
Is your IC helping? What advice does he/she have for you?
Is there something else we can call you besides a number--it seems so impersonal, when we're sharing intimate details of our lives.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
29 - you are in dispair. The agony of the pain of loss, the absolute apathy about anything in your professional life, your inability to commit to do things that are going to help you get better (exercise, move your office etc).
As unbelievable as these feelings are - they are the same feelings many of us have experienced. I remember a period of at least 6 months (from about 3 months after separation to 9 months into the process) that I felt like that. At the time I had a great team of staff who literally carried me through the worst of times. I couldn't concentrate. I cried ALL the time. I couldn't prioritise my work. It was hell.
I remember saying to you a few weeks ago when you were going to the Dr for medication that there is no magic pill - and girl, there just isn't. I would have found it. I wanted a pill to fill up the void in my heart - and I looked for it - I tested quite a few - some legal, some recreational, I also tested alcohol, casual sex and out-of-control shopping - but none of those can fill the void that the breakdown of your marriage left. Only rebuilding myself could do that.
There are ways you can cope better. Google 'coping skills' on the internet. Go to the bookshop and find books on recovering from loss, exercise, GAL, keep a positive mental attitude (PMA).
Tam, it took me at least 12 months to stop feeling the way you are feeling now. It took another 12 months to get to a point where I could honestly say I felt human again - and it's only now, about 2 and a half years later that I can honestly say I feel happy again.
There is no easy way to get through what is happening to you now. You just have to go through it.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
