Hello, I'm moving over into this forum from Piecing. I want to be in the company of people who are dealing with current problems of an OP. My W took a break from her sleeping elsewhere behavior, until it resumed this week. We are not yet Piecing, in that we are not jointly working on solving R problems. My thread in Piecing was, "Solving Problems as Partners."
I've been suspicious of an OP since 10/06. The sleeping elsewhere behavior escalated into Ghost Wife (GW) behavior for several months. It diminished back into sleeping elsewhere behavior this past month.
She wants to maintain contact with me. She is home for the most part. She maintains a job she dislikes, and contributes to the family finances. She invites me to joint activities--restaurants, dance practice, family outings, vacations and short getaways.
We seem to function as friends. We sleep in separate rooms. There has been only one ML session in the past three months. There are no ILY, or physical touch. There is no talk of D or separation (however, I'm starting to fantasize about one!).
I have been taking a stand for my M, however I can't live like this forever. I'm thinking of giving this one year to see if things improve.
I've read DR, and have found it helpful. I went thru the "dark nights of the soul" for the first several months, and began to implement GAL two months ago. I began attending a writer's group, and continue to do so.
My struggle now is to determine how much connection do I allow, and how much distance do I maintain? It seems that even though there is likely an OP, it seems that maintaining some positive connection will in the long run, be a determining factor in moving the R into Piecing. I generally respond to invitations to connect, by determining if I can be present in a positive manner. If I'm struggling with negative emotions, I decline the invitation.
R Goals: 1) CL and W will engage in positive communication. 2) CL will listen and be present for W during joint activities.
GAL Activities: 1) Practice dancing 3X/week. (lesson, venue, practice) 2) Practice yoga 3X/week. 3) Develop writing skills (30" daily). 4) Attend writer's group (bi-weekly).
I look forward to getting to know your situations, and providing mutual support.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Found you, CL. Hope this will be a busier spot for you to get more feedback. You are doing a great job at the GALing! Always appreciate your comments! Matilda
Friends, It seems like what I'm worrying about lately is a party that W and I have been invited to next weekend. The host is a member of the local dance community, where W and I both dance.
The problem is that I'm wondering if I can be comfortable in a small social setting with my W at this time. It's OK when we're in a dance setting because dancing is the focus, and she's usually on the floor, and not socializing. The party will allow for more conversation.
I don't know if I can relax enough, knowing that she will act like we're not a couple while there. She clearly doesn't want to be known as my partner, when we're in social settings. The host will wonder what's wrong, if I choose not to go. It seems like my ability to be comfortable should be the determining factor in deciding if I go or not.
I don't know if I'm allowing fear to take over, or if I'm missing an opportunity for something positive to occur, that I'm not seeing. At this time, I'm leaning towards not going to the party.
Even though we have some platonic connection, I know that the M is devalued at this time. I don't want to put myself in a vulnerable position to be humbled in front of my peers.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL, I understand your fear completely! However, not going might send the wrong message to your W. Do you know other people who will be at the party that you would feel comfortable with? How well do you know the host? Is this a good time to shine? (act as if you are having a wonderful time whether or not your W pays attention to you) Matilda
I agree with Matilda go but do not have any expectations for your W. Have a good time this might be a good oppotunity for you to do a 180. If your W sees you having a good time while she is giving you the cold shoulder, she will hopefully realize that she cannot control your emotions. You cannot control her emotions but you can control yours and GAL.
Keep your head up. The fact that you are at this site says a lot about you and your love for you W. Your a great guy, do not listen to the negative comments coming from your W.
Quick note before I go to work. I also agree that you need to go to the party. It will be the hardest thing to do but you have to convince your mind that you are going to relax and have a good time, be pleasant, visit with other people you know. Try to come across that you are enjoying your self and just keep repeating to your self I am going to relax enjoy my self and just be patient.
When you go look your best and be confident. Don't chase her and act like you have to be with her every minute. Act like you have grown confident and I can to enjoy my self. I bet during the night she will wonder what is the change.
Penny, ERC, and Matilda, I think we have a consensus! It looks like I'm going to a party next weekend!
It would be a 180 for me to go. My pattern in the past has been avoidance of social situations, where I would be uncomfortable. The three of you reminded me that there are positives to be gained from going--I can dance and show-off my improving skills, I can chat with acquaintances that I know. If a worst case scenario happens (my W is publically critical), I can choose to leave early. I would plan on driving separately, to give myself an exit.
There would be negative consequences if I failed to go. It would diminish my self-confidence, it would possibly hurt the host's feelings, and it would harm the R, in that W would perceive me in a negative way.
I've "dusted-off" my copy of "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" to practice cultivating courage for fearful situations. Fear is an emotion that has historically "tripped me up." I guess I'm human.
Thanks for the support.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Matilda, The author is Susan Jeffers. It's an older book (1987), but I don't think that matters. Dealing with fear is a timeless issue. I've just started reading it, but will share ideas, as I proceed thru the book. The title again is "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway.
It is a self-help book that is an easy read, but with ideas that can be empowering, and can help to cultivate courage, so that one can move thru fear, break avoidance patterns, and face whatever is fearful.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Thanks for the book info, CL. We have talked about fear on my thread so it seems very appropriate for me to read.
Now for Friday night! Are you prepared to have a terrific time? You seem so easy to talk to here on the bb and I am quite sure it will transfer to this social setting as well. You are a good listener and wise and thoughtful about your questions/suggestions. Maybe you'll learn that someone there is also keen on writing. Sounds like there will be lots of dancing, too. Have fun!!!! Look forward to hearing all about it. Matilda
