The view is great!

[Lissett]

Bethie,
I read this, like you wrote it to me

Thank you

[always_14]

Bethie and Siren

Thanks so much for your words.

They are words we repeat to ourselves as we go through this steps behind you, and words that slowly become a reality.

Thanks for reminding us yet again.

I can say, that in my case, with little or no contact, I am beginning to see that there are "tactics" I take to handle H and prepare myself. Only to avoid obvious spews and spirals, mostly for my own sake. I have really tried to start thinking that I don't care what he thinks of me, just to make any interaction as comfortable as possible to keep myself sane and relatively peaceful.

I think it's a gradual process for us to start moving into the terrain of "what is best for me and my healing and my life." Of course, that comes with building and re-building our life again....

Thanks, again.

[BaseballAnnie]

Bethie, I think this was a lovely, heartfelt post, and I am in awe that you had the courage to come over here and post it. It is well worth reading for so many on this forum, so many that get caught up in the daily drama of trying to read his signs and actions and figure out whether it's a baby step or not. This is very compelling and I hope many people on this forum take it to heart.

We all find ourselves here FOR A REASON and our focus needs to be on ourselves and what we are poised to learn and change about ourselves, not how we can cause some change in our wayward spouses.

thanks,
BA

[always_14]

In addition to Bethie's post, I think posts by Happy and AmyC and others are very insightful to this end, as well.

As former MLCers, they admit that they often did one thing (often hurtful) and yet felt another, or were fighting off other feelings. Thus, giving opposite signals that the LBS could not figure out if they wanted to.

I have also often read AmyC post that there was no rhyme or reason, an that time and staying away were the only things you could do.

And, all of us here have experienced that....anything we attempt to figure out, interpret or anything ends up changed, the opposite of, or whatever.

[BethM]

Lissett,

Thanks Sweetie. In a way I probably did post it to you as well.

As I mentioned, up until recently I have very sledom come back over to this board. I found that after I left here and made the transition to Surviving it would break my heart to come back here and read, let alone post. We all walk this fine line of wanting to support and be honest, but where do you draw the line. I would never want to take anyones hope away from them. Sometimes that's all we have.

I'm in such a good place now so maybe it was just time. Besides, there are so many special people here and I wish they could see in themselves what we can all see so clearly in them!


Love,
Bethie

[BethM]

always,

I'm so glad to see that you are doing what you need to do for you. That's a very hard thing to do, believe me I know. In the long run I believe that doing what works for you and not worrying about what they think is a step in the right direction. Sometimes I would think here is this person who has walked away from everything that he formerly knew and loved and blew up his whole life and I am worried about what he thinks of me. I didn't know who was crazier!

We're really all here to watch each others back. I'm glad I helped!

Love,
Bethie

[BethM]

Thanks Annie,

I always think that if you speak from your heart people know the truth. So courage, naw. I just didn't want anyone else to take the wrap for something I may have written, but it was also important to me to let Holly know what my intentions were.

I was mad after I read her post. These waw's project onto us what they don't like about themselves and sometimes we play right into it. Why because we want to save our families? There is no shame in that! It's how it leaves us feeling about ourselves that concerns me.

Thanks Sweetie!

Love,
Bethie

[25yearsmlc]

Dear BethM,

I appreciated your post a lot, and I also felt for Holly. Two things to say: One, in the DB books, you can call it "games" or "truth" but acting "as if" is one suggestion of her book. So is being upbeat in front of the MLCers, in part to ease their guilt, in part to ease our pain(?). You could argue that those suggestions are not based on truth, and are manipulative. Or, that they are forms of giving the MLCer space...anyhow, the 2nd thing is that when I worked in the city, some homeless guy always spotted me at the subway and spewed weirdo venom specifically at me. I used to wonder if I was wearing something he hated, or reminded him of someone he hated...Mind you, this was the same homeless guy every day, living on a grill, that targetted me. What's really whacked out is that I actually ALLOWED HIS OPINION OF ME TO MATTER....I mean, wth?? Who cares what the guy on the grill thinks of me when he's insane, in withdrawal, and angry to boot?? Point is, there are other people in our lives who have no more insight into us, or our intrinsic worth, than the grill guy...
We are worthy and deserving. Thanks for posting.
j-

[Holly06]

Beth,
Kept getting interupted as I tried to reply.
Hey, I did not even look to see who posted. I did not feel dissed at all, rather glad someone is watching out for me.
I have been rather hopeful lately.
My situation is long and drawn out (who's isn't?) and I am not going into all the details, but I really think things are moving in the right direction.
My DB coach Joanne will second that I believe.
I also believe since TJ and I have a physical distance, and the girls are adults, that he is not getting the best of both worlds. We hardly have any contact. When we do, it is lovely. We get along great. No spewing. No guilt. Friends.
Now I do have a D coming. I am not afraid of it. It will not be unexpected or change my position. It is not the end of the road for me. I believe that with all my heart.
Let him go.
Let him chose me all over again.
So to see this in print, was a little thoughtprovoking. Not crushing, not hurtful, but it made me question my Pollyanna viewpoint. Yes. I admit it. I recognize it. I am prepared. I know the risks.
I just needed reassurance that I am still not reading too much into this. That is it.
If others have stuck their hand out and got slapped, I am sorry. I so admire alllllllll who are here, on all the forums. I think we all wish for the best. We will all come out of this OK.
Feel free to get in my business. I consider it a blessing, and always welcome. I chose to see it as love and concern, with a little reality thrown in.
You are wonderful Beth. As are all your friends. I am a happy lady tonight to have you and yours in my corner.
Cheers
Holly

[Holly06]

oh, just re read.
I guess I made you mad Beth? I do appologize. I hope if I need to explain anything that I will be given the chance.
I think what I said was a whinny little girl asking for assurance from a friend. Not proud of that either.
But I was not complaining, only explaining my source of questioning myself.
Or was it something else?