Okay, first some (((((hugs))))) and for good measure, a kiss on the forehead.
You might not know it now, but you have taken the hardest first steps. And now for a gentle 2x4 - this is NOT your fault - remember you didn't walk away - you tried - you hung in there and fought! It cannot be your fault.
I'm with Jeff - and let me take it a little further. In your most recent posts, I've picked up a lot more color about the kind of "man" you are dealing with in your STBXH. Fact is, he isn't a man at all. How could he be? Real men don't run from their problems...real men are strong and supportive in the face of adversity. Real men aren't spineless wusses like you have on your hands. Do you really want a guy like that in your life? What you've got there is a little child.
If he seems happy - he's not. If he seems like he has changed - he has not. It is a matter of time - he'll figure it out. Time to let him go - there are better men out there.
Nic, you have to remember what an inspiration you have been to folks on this board. Heck, by the number of posts you have, you must be approaching moderator or something. You have shown incredible courage in trying to save your M. Now, just slightly shift the focus - apply that same courage to yourself - go teach somewhere else and bring the kids along! I think that is great.
Anyway, hope you are feeling better today. What a great time of year to be reborn...Easter. And remember how easy it will be - with all of your friends on here pulling for you....
Hang in there!
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
I never seem to find the time to respond to those of you who post here, so I will do that today.
Jeff:
Quote:
He is a Bast**d. With some it is an accident of birth; he is a self-made man.
That made me smile. Thanks for letting me know there are good guys out there.
ISLH: Thanks for always being there for me.
Quote:
It takes 2 and you are the only one willing to work at it so really, HE is to blame. You did not ruin his life; he is responsible for how his life has turned out and unfortunately his decision also impacts your life and that of your children.
Yes, this is true. I did try, very hard. He took that path of least resistance. I am trying not to judge that, but it is hard! He is just a weak person who runs away from his problems instead of making the effort required to confront and fix them.
Quote:
How can you believe he will be happy? He THINKS he is happy with his new gf but just give it time. Didn't he also think he was happy with his previous gf? Where is she now?
You are right about this. He was "in love" with ow and planning a whole new life w/ her...till he actually left and it became more of a reality.
Quote:
in fact your H doesn't deserve YOU. Believe me, it took me a while for me to get to this point but I no longer feel guilty. I am sad but no longer feel guilty because I never gave up and in fact like you I'm still willing to work on the M but you can't do it all by yourself. Your H is always looking for the easy way out.
Logically, I do believe this, I just don't know why I'm having such a hard time getting it into my heart, not just my head.
Quote:
I have set him free. You need to do this not for him but for you.
Yes, you are right about that.
Quote:
It is normal to have these thoughts but I know how much your children mean to you so do not act on it. You are a much better person than your H and even if you don't see it now, everyone will know it if they don't already. I am glad you are seeing your T again because he will help you see what a wonderful person you are because I don't think you really believe in yourself right now.
Thanks so much for this, ISLH. I really almost called H on Sunday and told him to take the kids permanently. Thank goodness I didn't. The last thing I need now--right before custody negotiations--is to look like a nutcase!
You're a sweetheart. I am so looking forward to meeting you IRL someday.
Holly: Nice to see you in these parts!
Quote:
That is not a happy man Nic. He is a lost man, and he thinks he sees relief from his pain and guilt in the future. He will not find that. He does not know that. He can put an a mask you know. He is not happy.
I think he actually is happy, at least on the surface. I'm not even sure that he knows what real happiness is. I think his mask is fooling even himself. How could someone who has hurt others so badly really be happy w/ himself?
Quote:
Use the skills that you have at hand when working with your students. Do you see them as all bad, or all good? No. You see a composite of strenghts and weaknesses. You teach to those. Now you are a smart lady, reflect on this and how to adjusts your black white color dial.
This is a really good suggestion, Holly. I hadn't thought of it that way.
Quote:
My hunch is that GF relationship is not that stable. She is pushing and now he can report that LS is going forward, and he thinks he sees relief. Wait till that does not happen.
I agree with you here. I think she is looking for a new daddy for her little boy. I mean, she baked my kids cupcakes last weekend!! Sheesh! This is NOT a lady looking for a short-term R. I could be totally wrong, and maybe he is looking to get M again, but I doubt it. When we are D, I'm guessing she will really put on the pressure. Be interesting to see what transpires.
Quote:
If the D is what you want, then good. In the end this is all about finding happiness and joy in our lives. It will come in small doses now, but wait till it comes in larger doses.
The D is not what I wanted, but I do see that it really is the best thing for me right now. Will H look back and see that he's made a mistake? I don't know. I think so. But I also think I'll have moved on by then. If not, we will end up together. It's in God's hands now. I need to move past this and get on w/ my life, letting go of hope for reconciliation.
Thanks so much for posting.
I will continue in a new post, in case I lose this one!
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Always: You chose such a good board name: you are always there for the rest of us.
Quote:
Step 1 to your healing is NOT taking blame for things falling apart. That is life. Things happen. We make mistakes. Our H's make mistakes. We find explanations and take our share of the blame, but just OUR SHARE.
I was speaking to someone today about that, and she really helped me. Her H also cheated on her, and she said that she did take responsibility for her mistakes (e.g. making kids too much of a priority, not building him up enough), but that she didn't think that would really have changed anything.
Quote:
How about something totally zany. How about doing a teacher/exchange program somewhere, even in the US, during summer break, so you and the kids get to live somewhere totally different, just ask room/board for pay, and you teach? There have GOT to be plenty of programs like that....maybe not now, but sometime in the future for the summer.
I have wanted to do that for so long. I had planned to go next summer, but would need $5,000, plus I can't take dependents with any of the programmes. Anyway, I'm still thinking of it. It is a big dream of mine, and I'm sure it will come true someday. Actually, a former colleague of mine (now retired) is setting up a school in Uganda and has asked me to help out there.
Quote:
I am so sorry this is tough. But in the end, YOU will move on faster than he has. YOU will have more success than he has. No one who goes through this, thinking they did nothing, will prosper.
I sure hope that is true. I guess the thing is that it doesn't matter how he does, really, it only matters how *I* do. One of my good friends has been trying to get that through my thick head! It doesn't matter if he's the happiest guy on the planet, as long as I'm happy too.
LFN: Thanks for posting. I am sorry that you are on this journey, too. It does get better, though. I have mostly been pretty good for awhile now, just on a downswing.
Christy: Thanks for your hugs. I know that you can relate to how I'm feeling. There's nothing like your kids coming home raving about how great ow is and what a good time they had with her, eh? Sucks. I hope you had an amazing vacation.
Alison, T2, AMD: Thanks for being here for me.
Sven, my Viking friend:
Quote:
Okay, first some (((((hugs))))) and for good measure, a kiss on the forehead.
oh my!
Quote:
You might not know it now, but you have taken the hardest first steps. And now for a gentle 2x4 - this is NOT your fault - remember you didn't walk away - you tried - you hung in there and fought! It cannot be your fault.
Thanks for this. I can't hear it enough!
Quote:
I'm with Jeff - and let me take it a little further. In your most recent posts, I've picked up a lot more color about the kind of "man" you are dealing with in your STBXH. Fact is, he isn't a man at all. How could he be? Real men don't run from their problems...real men are strong and supportive in the face of adversity. Real men aren't spineless wusses like you have on your hands. Do you really want a guy like that in your life? What you've got there is a little child.
If he seems happy - he's not. If he seems like he has changed - he has not. It is a matter of time - he'll figure it out. Time to let him go - there are better men out there.
Actually, I've been making him look pretty bad lately, I think1 However, it's true that he is not a strong person; he is only just beginning to confront situations that will be uncomfortable. This is a huge step for him. But you know what? It's a tiny one, and it's taken him over a year of "working on himself" to get there.
Thanks for being such a good reminder that there ARE really good men out there; men who stand and fight instead of running away screaming like little girls.
Quote:
Nic, you have to remember what an inspiration you have been to folks on this board. Heck, by the number of posts you have, you must be approaching moderator or something. You have shown incredible courage in trying to save your M. Now, just slightly shift the focus - apply that same courage to yourself
Is this your polite way of telling me to shut the hell up?! j/k I feel like I've failed the others on this board by not fighting this D, but maybe getting through it with courage and dignity will be a different inspiration.
Thanks so much.
Love to all, Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
I went to the T today and it was a good session. He's asked me to do a biography of my M, which I've started. He thinks it will help me figure out what happened with us and blame myself less.
H called me today, which has really been setting me off lately. I wish he'd just email. But he wanted to talk about something "delicate" as he put it. Actually, it was a pretty big step for him to do that b/c he is so incredibly non-confrontational. It was re. D10. Apparently she was crying in H's car when he picked her up. She told him the sordid tale of my outburst earlier in the day. Essentially, I freaked out over ow2 and told D10 that she should go and live with H and ow b/c they are all such a happy family together. It was pretty bad, and I later apologized and told D I was ashamed of my behaviour. Anyway, H brought it up b/c he was worried about how my behaviour would affect the kids (f'n jerk! worry about your own behaviour!).
He said at one pt that one of the reasons he spends so much time w/ her and her kid is b/c it's easier, since S5 has someone to play with! Then he said that it's also stressful, since he is "on [his] guard" around the kids. I said, "What do you mean? You're not making out in front of them or something?" H: That's right. Me: Yeah, that must be really tough to keep your hands off her for a few hours when you want to f*ck her all the time. (charming, I know) H: some kind of denial Me: (laugh) Come on, I know what it's like at the beginning of a R.
We move on.
Man, was I pissed! WTF is he doing telling me how hard it is for him to not be all over her! Does he think I need to hear that? God, he's more of a moron than I thought. Of course, I did not do a great job of being pleasant. Oh well!
I will admit to being insanely jealous of ow, though not so much her and H (though that hurts), but b/c H is now finally acting like the H and father I wanted him to be.
When I talked with the T about it, he suggested that H has to do that to impress this woman who is 10 yrs younger than him. Good point. Hopefully, she'll come to her senses soon and dump him!
Okay, S5 is driving me batty. Got to go.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
God, I read your posts, and I just wish your H would have the sense to SHUT UP.
Seriously....just plead the 5th or something....getting a blank expression would be better.
It's so sadly ironic and just plain awful that the day they begin to engage in direct communication, it's nothing pleasant to hear AT ALL.
Your emotions are valid, honey. We would all feel that way.
But the facts are, he is not suddenly wonderful dad, in love and sane.
The conversation today proved just that. His total oblivion to what he has done has proved that.
Do you think, that with NO introspection and time out to sort through this, your H has suddenly overcome and changed his shortcomings? No.
You said it perfectly....you know how the beginning of Rs are - all fluffy and wonderful. All rainbows and unicorns.
He said it perfectly, too. Hanging out with OW and her kids a lot is EASY. That's what this is, Nicola, EASY. You, on the other hand, are HARD. B/c you are REAL.
He said it himself...OW's kids are just playmates to his kids when he has to be father to his kids. Again, they make his job as father EASY.
What man gripes that he cannot make out with his gf in front of kids? Only one that has admitted that is what he is after. A real man really in love would respect her and his children to not want to do that anyway. A real man would be more concerned with his kids and OW's kids transitioning to the new R, and how to make them comfortable with it.
Nope, not your H. B/c this is not real. He is not sane.
First things first: "I feel like I've failed the others on this board by not fighting this D..." That's a load of crap. Don't you EVER say this or even think it again. You have only been a source of inspiration and dignity and comfort to this BB. Knock that negative stuff off. Don't make me come over there!
OK. I think your T has a good point about him trying to impress. I also think that you made an interesting insight: that H is ACTING like the H and father you always wanted him to be. Until he does some major work on himself, this will always be an act. I hope for your kids' sake that one day it will be genuine, but I don't know how soon that can possibly be.
I will admit to being insanely jealous of ow, though not so much her and H (though that hurts), but b/c H is now finally acting like the H and father I wanted him to be.
First off, you only know part of what he is doing, and only part of the time. EVen if he really is acting like the H and father you wanted, it won't last. You know it won't. If it is not his genuine self he won't be able to keep it up. And he won't want to keep it up, because as you said, all that zip in the beginning of the R will fade. Yes ma'am, it will definitely fade away eventually.
Please don't torture yourself nicola. You have a life, a good one.
