I'm new here and need help

[hannahsmom]

Well yesterday was my birthday
I was having a tough time anticipating it from last week until now
The 3 of us went to a small diner that we like for dinner - we had fun
I tried to look at the positives of it - had a flash of paranoia when H asked when his 401K loan was paid off - I started thinking that maybe he wanted to tap into his $ to move out - I know one of the reasons he says he hasnt left is financial - although my counselor thinks this is an excuse and if he really wanted to leave he would've been gone by now
anyway - I pushed those thoughts aside as best I could - we went back to the house
I had 2 cards waiting for me one from D one from H - both addressed to 'MOM" which again pushed some buttons
I got 2 nice gifts one from each of them -

Was a little depressed after he left to go to work ( he works nights ) - So I tried to make a list of everything positive from the day and the last few weeks - that helped a bit

I see my counnselor this week - havent gone in about 6 weeks and I'm wondering if that has something to do with my obsessing about certain things

so many mixed messages - He called me today talking about vacation plans for the summer - wants me to look into places to stay at the beach

we are still living like roomates - no physical contact since Oct - which is very difficult for me

Again the positives I must focus on:
He orchestrated plans 4 my b'day
He has asked me to spend time w/him without our Daughter
He is still at home
He talks about near future plans
We are able to share funny stories about current events, fun talking about the dog, stories about work
He shows concern when I'm not feeling well ( had to see the DR a few weeks back)

This living with so much uncertainty is really difficult
I long for the day when unconditional love is what its about
I thought I had that - now I wonder if I ever did
This is so hard !

Thank you all for your support