hmmmmmm....suddenly the parenting situation hasn't been mentioned at all. I suspect OW may have been out of town for a while or had called another of her temporary time-outs. That would explain the lack of emails etc. In the long run who gives a F? I know that OW is a symptom, not the disease but I'd sure like to prescribe some treatment for her.
One of the worst parts for me is the knowledge that spouse will push and push the envelope, waiting for me to blow so she can point at me as the "problem". Maybe it's time to consider how I can calmly say some things so they are already out on the table by the time I blow. I think I am a little numb right now with the amazing low to which she has sunk. Is this where we are going? I'll wander the house and she just won't be there? And this is a person who is angry with me because I have made clear there would be no 50/50 living arrangements for a 7year old? It is clear she cannot be trusted and she is ashamed of her behavior but will not change it. Wow, that's a person who deserves to be a parent, don't you think? (disclaimer: spouse is and always has been a good parent.) I simply find this behavior appalling and I'm supposed to lay down and take it and just hand daughter over to someone this immature. No, no, and did I mention, NO?!?!?!? Anything I may say will be greeted with "do you want me to move out?". AKA: please be the bad guy and make all of my decisions for me.WTF?
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
In regards to the year, it is all up to you. If your spouse knows about the year, then you need to stick to your guns and proceed accordingly. If not, you need to decide if you have had enough. Only you will know.
In my sitch, I decided that I can't live with a person that is not in love with me. I can't live in a marriage that is only being held together for the kids sake. What kind of life is that??? We all want to be with someone that loves us no matter what and we can't wait to get home to and cuddle with. Maybe I am just being picky but I want to know that I am loved.
Sorry to hijack! Do what you believe is right for your sitch. No one can tell you what feels right.
Keep your head up and I will keep checking in on you!
Jen
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
Stubborn, guilt plays a big part here. Your S doesn't want to be the bad guy. I'm in the same sitch, my W won't leave but tells me to "leave if you want to". This way it is ME who is breaking up our family, not her. I've heard about how much she suffers not being able to be with the person she wants to be with, all for the family! What a martyr So, I think bottom line is, how much can you stand Stubborn? When you can't do it anymore, you pull the plug until then you just keep doing what you can do. I always felt I would hang on as long as I could see some hope, as long as I felt there was something else I could do. When that is gone, you have to think long and hard. Take care.
whose guilt is it anyway? Sounds like a game show. Do you mean LBS guilt at "not trying hard enough" or WAS guilt for walking?
I realize the "not trying hard enough" part is a bit laughable. After all I have my 1 year pin. That's hard enough for anybody.
Jen, she does not know about the year. I read it was the minimum time suggested in order to feel you'd done it all. I have not been perfect but I have lasted under fire and shown unbelieveable determination and steadfastness. (is that a word?) I am really insulted by her behavior of just disappearing. I have been advised to disappear on her (DB coach, whatsis, don't think me crazy!) Perhaps my problem is either I'm spineless or too nice.
I had a "med check" last week with a new psych MD and I am getting a mood elevator. (hope it goes all the way to the top) Given the disappointment I feel thank god for a new med.
Well I guess some people just have no morals. (inside joke, sorry)
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
Stubborn, I meant your S's guilt. She knows that HER action to go outside your R has put her family in jeopardy (that's a game show too!) That is a big load to carry! So, human nature is that we offload it, we rationalize it. You know, "I'm not the one whose to blame here, Stubborn is the one who chose to end it" blah blah blah. Bottom line is that all her BS is meaningless, what matters is how much you can take and remain a healthy, functioning person and loving parent to your child. It's your call. Certainly, one year is a long time (as I would also know!), you've paid your dues. You do what is right for you and your child. Take your time, there's no overdue fine if you overstay your year!!!
thanks dude. I told my best friend about the year (when I decided) and she swore it was ok, for then but when the year had passed she would remind me that I said it. That actually scares me.
Best to your dad tomorrow!
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
well hello fellow readers. Todays report contains affirmations for the ideas of "inspired julie". She suggested the "rubber band" trial. Pull back and maybe spouse would move toward me. Tried it. Left without a word to spouse last night and went out to the bookstore for 90 min. (you will recall she disappeared on me the night before and was out until god knows when) I of course felt like a heel for leaving without common courtesy but I DID IT!!!
got home, went and lay down and began reading my book and who should come in and chat? hmmmmmmmm...rubber band anyone? The insanity continues.
Last week spouse was ticked and declared she was changing her schedule and would not be going to class with me every Tuesday night. Well, it's Tuesday and guess where she's going tonight? To class. So am I. hmmmmmmmmmmm
I must file this info away: she gets mad, spews and then backs down. Normal human behavior. So much of her behavior is rather odd that when something normal happens I have to be made aware of it.
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
Ever notice how fast the weather can change? As you will recall I was hit with a very cold front for suggesting that spouse and I go to the store to haggle over a refrigerator w/o D7. BRRRRRRRR!!!!! Bad, Stubborn, bad!!! How dare you suggest such a thoughtless thing?!?!? (and why are we buying a new refrigerator if you don't know what our future holds?)
so...spouse and I went to the store last night. Alone, unaccompanied by D7, who stayed with a relative. Hmmmmmmm...I said nothing about this for fear of decapitation.
On another note, I had a phone session with DB coach Jody yesterday. A bit of stratgizing and a bit of reiterration of things: People having affairs are unbelievably self-centered. All DB actions must first be put through the filter of "how will this help me meet my goal?" or as she said "will this make me more or less attractive?" Spouse is highly conflicted (knew that already) I need to continue GAL and find a way to get spouse to think "what is she up to?" so as to turn her focus back toward me.
This has been going on so long that I am tired and honestly don't know where it will end up. Do I think it could still be "busted"? Yes, but not unless both parties are willing to work. I have worked alone for a year and sometimes I have just had it. Sometimes I think a major earthquake is all that will move the spouse in my direction. And yet I realize I am better off than some, spouse has not left and cannot bare the thought of deserting D7. Me, however, she often thinks she can do without. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
So, I think bottom line is, how much can you stand Stubborn? When you can't do it anymore, you pull the plug until then you just keep doing what you can do. I always felt I would hang on as long as I could see some hope, as long as I felt there was something else I could do. When that is gone, you have to think long and hard. 
