I Don't Want To Be Here

[charlie_girl]

I have been reading these bb for a year now, I feel like I have gotten to know most of you on here. I cheer for your triumphs, and feel sympathy for the down moments.

I have been fighting the MLC fight since Nov 05, separated in Oct 06. I have a D16, and S11, my husband and I have known each other for 17 yr, been married 12.

The sep has gone well as it can, he never goes more than a couple of days without calling me or e-mailing etc. Invites me over for dinner, only lives a 1/2 block away. The past few weeks we seemed to be getting even closer, I started having that dreaded hope again.

Our son has been having stomach issues, he does not want to talk at all about the sep, he just wants his Dad to come home, so internalizes everything. Last Friday he threw up 3 times, so I called my husband and asked him to stop by after work so that we could talk about what to do with him. Mistake #1. He knows that he is the reason for our son feeling this way, so he is automatically on the defensive, was in a bad mood because of work.

Mistake #2, I asked him if he knew what he wanted to do yet. Of course he doesn't, I got told that he had been thinking about coming home and working on it, wasn't sure what triggered those thoughts, but he did not feel the same about me blah blah blah.

Mistake #3, I finally told him what it felt like being in my shoes. That he needed to decide whether our marriage was worth it or not, that I was tired of feeling worthless. That I wasn't even worth him looking for another job (he had an affair with a co-worker who is now his boss). I told him I couldn't do this alone, that he needed to decide whether he wanted to commit to our marriage or not.

He left, and I haven't heard from him since. I am assuming that he is going to decide that it is not worth it, that we will make this permanent.

I know what everyone says about the MLC, but is it arrogant of me to assume that the man that keeps telling me he does not love me anymore, actually does? How often and how long, before you accept that?

I am just venting, I know it is an individual choice as to how long to stand. I am just having such problems detaching. I have always been a very strong person, but here I am this wreck of a woman, on AD and sleeping pills, 35 lb lighter (actually needed that LOL). I've been on the AD for a month, just wish I had done that 15 months ago.

I have this urge to make my voice heard with my husband, this would possibly be mistake #4?

Here is the letter I want to send:

Dear Husband of Mine,

I have not heard from you since Friday, I assume that at this point you no longer want to talk.

I have spent the weekend mourning the loss of the man that I love, our marriage, the breakup of our family.

Why have I hung on for the last year and half? I kept seeing glimpses of the man that loved his wife and family, so hoped that he was coming back. You keep telling me that you do not love me, I need to accept that fact and move on.

I wish you were easier on yourself. The affair and all that happened do not need to define you, I just wish you could see that. What you do now and in the future is what will define you, not the past.

I kept hoping for a story book ending, that you were going to tell me that you quit your job and were moving home again. That's why they are called story book endings, they don't exist in real life.

For me the hardest part will be that we end this way. That you have an affair, then move out, and we never get to set it right between us.

I love you, and hope that you find whatever will make you happy. I want to thank you for being part of my life for the last 17 years, for helping raise D16, for being a son to my parents, and for giving me our son. I have been blessed to have you in my life.

Love Charlie

This is what is in my heart (along with some spew that would serve absolutely no point). Is this going to create further pressure etc? Is it DB to express yourself? I am trying to put as much of a positive spin on it as I can, but how do you positively spin the end of your marriage?

Am I asking too many questions, just like a 3 year old "why is the sky blue?". Anyways, as the title states, I don't want to be here but you sure are a wonderful group of people!!