Hmmmm....I posted to you last night but it isn't here now...strange...
Anyway lets see if I can remember what I posted now, lol....
Oh...about my impulsive actions not changing how I felt....filing for S/D DID NOT take away any of the pain, DID NOT help me move on....I still had to grieve the loss of my marriage (no matter if you get back together or not THAT marriage as you knew it MUST be grieved)...there really is no speedy process....
We have all heard of rebound relationships and yes, sometimes they work....I will tell you I ached to be JUST held...my H didn't ML or have S with me after he left...I did meet a nice older man and he actually flew from the Atlantic Coast of Canada to the Pacific Coast of California to meet me (I really don't recommend this)....while it did feel good to be held...this didn't solve my issues either...I couldn't kiss this man...he knew up front there would be no intimacy and he respected me on that...the point is..."I" was not ready...it was better for me to mourn the loss of those things with my marriage then to try and Band Aide them with someone else...in the process of all of this I ended up letting this man down (although we remain friends and he totally understands now) because all the things I thought I wanted and was ready to have with someone else...I wasn't...
As aweful and unbearable as all these feelings are that you are having...they are necessary to the process...
Also...you really need to STOP glamorizing thier R...we all do this initially but later realize or are actually told (like I was) that it wasn't about all that...I have a friend that went with us on a cruise...her X had an affair with the next door neighbor...she was so consumed with hurt, anger, betrayal, and all those emotions that she just wanted it over...she filed for and got a D...so what was left for her H???...he married the OW...now 20+ years later my friend says she knows now he would have come back to her...OW told her that she (my friend) was really the first choice and she (OW) was the second...her X also said that over the years he realized that he made a mistake and never really stopped loving her...but what was done is done...A's can last however long they need to....my H's was atleast 8 months...I know of some that were over a year...they still returned...the point here is you CAN NOT put a time limit on any of this....all you CAN do is work on GAL and becoming ALL that you can be...it really is ALL up to you....
I see your revised plan about moving the office...is this because now you might be scared you won't see him...or you won't know if he is sleeping at the office or not???...question your own motives...10 minutes more will not jeapordize being able to rent out a unit...if someone makes an appointment....or even calls last minute...they will wait the extra few minutes it will take YOU...not knowing that it used to be only a 15 minute drive for you...
I think the important thing for you in moving the office to your home is to give YOU space...allow you a safe working environment...and give you the control over talking to him or not...and "IF" things don't work out down the line you are set up to go to work on your own without anymore drama...."IF" things do work out it still would be good to have time apart during your days....and for you to have your space still...
As for business meetings, family functions...I don't know but I would be inclined to excuse myself...just say I am not feeling well...make a short appearance if it is really necessary (personally I would let him deal with this too)and leave early...real early...
Of course as Jody said...we don't know your family situation...but my inclination would be to caution YOU on your motives...don't do it to "save" H...I think the going and pretending that all is okay if eating away at you...I would feel the same about the business meetings...I shared some business with my H while we were separated...when he introduced to me to his people by my name....I laughed and said "That was AKA 'my wife' not too long ago."...my H hadn't told anyone...one person saw a picture of him/her together and asked "What is going on here?"...it made him uncomfortable to explain his actions...I think maybe it is time for H to explain his...this doesn't mean it is over...heck, my whole family and all of our friends knew because he was removed socially from our congregation when I disclosed to the elders that he was having an A and he finally admitted it to them....so...the point is...just because the family finds out the "dirty little secret"...doesn't prevent reconciliation....I think it facilitates it because then the person (your H) is held accountable to actions...sort of makes them think about things instead of just "doing" them...if that makes sense...
I do hope your days get better...and please do talk to your doctor about the meds...if they are not working properly taking more might not be the answer for you...I also think working at home, avoiding social circumstances and family functions with H will also help you get better control...as I have stated before I cried daily for atleast a year...but I did this on MY time...and I stopped having the total meltdowns...mainly because H had cut me off totally...I didn't have to face him, talk to him, deal with him....I had to learn to do it all myself...even the stuff that was HIS I had to deal with on my own...he dropped ALL responsibity when he left....that was hard!
So hang in there...I do see some improvement...and right now that is all you can do...some...but you MUST keep moving forward...don't allow the undertow of the tide to suck you back in...
