Financially, our ship is sinking. Has been for a while, but I kept thinking things would get better soon. And then time would pass, and I would think Things will get better soon. And more time would pass and .... you get the idea.
There's no Silver Lining here.
Now I'm just defeated. I see no light at the end of our tunnel. H has been out of work for over a year now. His 'marketability' in a high white-collar position is waning with so long out of work. It appears that I will be the one doing all the work for a while, and while I was deluding myself that this was Just For A Season, it looks like there's no end to it.
And it's not like I'm making enough $ to sustain us. We've gone through H's entire cashed-out 401K, and his unemployment checks end in a few weeks. Then he'll try to find some menial job, which will A) make him feel like sh!t, and B) bring on a whole set of childcare issues, since he's been able to be home with them fulltime.
We're behind on our mortgage - we've had to renegotiate with the mtg co. to not go into Breach of Contract. Basically agreeing to pay big fat monthly payments thru June. I will have to pick up extra shifts to try to get this $ somehow.
Night shift is killing me
My anniversary is tomorrow and we don't have $ to do anything.
My 40th birthday is at the end of the month, and will likely not be much of an 'event' past a cake that I will likely make. On a positive note, everyone I work with is always shocked at my age, saying I look 25. Woo! A positive thing. Take note, there's not many here.
A college friend of mine turns 40 a week before me, and I got an invitation to a big bash for her. I can't attend (it's too far away), but I got all down -feeling like my life is at a dead end. Not even a party. Nothing worth celebrating. Yeah, I'm whining. But dammit, people, I've been looking for the silver lining for so long, and it's just not happening. After a while, that wears you down. And here I am.
If it were just the marriage, or just the finances, or just the job thing, but it's everything. Everything. I thank God for our health every day, though.
All I want to do is sleep. And never wake up. Even H has said he just wishes he were dead. Yes, it's that bad.
Now. I've vented here, and will go on about my day. Sorry for the downer.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
