Life goes on, and it ain't about Job

[81388*]

Theo;
As usual, you are right. I have not unloaded this on God, I have refused every offer of His to take my load and give me rest, and now I find myself very tired indeed. I have been worried about what I would say to God if I was honest (as if He doesn't know already), but to have it leave my lips scares me.

Whatis;
Thank you, you are always so concerned about reducing my pain and helping me move in a positive direction. However, confirming this information is a way for me to move forward,granted that is further away from my wife, but that is where I need to head. Unfortunately, I have recently started to think about the legal aspects of this, and what I want to accomplish if my wife continues on this path. Obviously both wife and OM are not people I would willingly allow to influence my children. Theo and I have talked about this before as well. There isn't much I can do about wife, but if there is a way to limit OM's influence, then that is what I will have to do, even if it is through filing with cause of adultry. I need to talk to atty. and see if this can be done after she files no fault.

[theoden]

8,

Well...go on and unload on God.

Unlike our spouses we don't have to sit and validate with God, we can totally unload and he'll listen to us.

You are in good company: Jesus on the cross accused God of forsaking him.

Or read Psalm 88. How's that for depressing.

Or how about the imprecatory Psalms? They go something like this, "God I'm so depressed I wish I were dead, please kill those sons of bitches that did this to me."

Argue with him, yell at him, cry in front of him.

He's waiting.

--Theoden

[81388*]

Theo;
I hope through all of this you find your way back to ministry.

"I am counted with them that go down into the pit: I am as a man that hath no strength:"

I know that I do not have the strength to fight this battle, I alone can not stand in the face of this, what I want, I want so badly, I am not sure that I am willing to accept God's will. How could his will be any less than the restoration of my marriage?, how could he choose to leave me so lost and confused?, what is it that I am supposed to be learning?

I have loved my wife, not perfectly, but to the best of my ability. I had faith that we, as one fleash, could overcome all adversity, I have trusted her when rational thought said I shouldn't, I have tried so hard to show her how much I love her and would do anything for her and our family. I have touched her often and lovingly, I have praised her and supported her, I have shared with her the importance of my faith and where it is leading me and asked her to be a part of it, I have told her how proud I am of her, I have picked up the slack when it needed to be and let her go when it seemed like that is what she needed, I have been strong and passionate, and quiet and still.

This could be the ramblings of a LBS, but I have gone through the box of keepsakes, I have read the birthday, anniversary, mother's day, thank yous, and other cards. I have seen the ticket stubbs from concerts and movies that we saw a quarter of a century ago, I have read the poems, and looked at the replies to the notes I sent.

What is it that I am called to do?

I guess I know that answer, I am called to stand.

I talked to my wife today for the first time in 4 days. I have friends in for the weekend, and asked her if she wanted to come over with the kids, she said it sounds like fun, what can she bring? I told her to bring herself, oh, and bring the kids as well, but I had everything else covered. She then told me that she had made a deposit in the joint account and paid her truck payment from that account. I checked online, sure enough!

I am so confused!

[theoden]

8,

If I can find my way to the ministry through this would be a sweet gift from God.

Pray that for me. Your lips to God's ears.

When you talked about the keepsakes -- well, I got choked up. I did that the night my wife told me she might not want to be in the marriage. That was over a year ago. Everyone else was asleep and I went through the wedding piotures and the family albums. I keep a pillow in my lap so I could stuff my face into it to muffle the tears, rather the shrieks and the howling. I sounded like a wounded animal. I have never told anyone about that experience before.

I know how it feels. It feels God-forsaken. Welcome to what St. Paul calls having fellowship with Christ's sufferings. This is the test of who we really are.

Let me talk about God with you some more. Someone told me that every Christian is called to a certain detachment with the people in his life. Our family, our goods, our health, our honor, our good name, all these things are gifts from God. They can only be truly enjoyed when we relinquish them to God and say to him, "Even if you take all these things away, I will love and worship you, for your love is better than life." We all need to go to Mt. Moriah, like Abraham and be willing to sacrifice Isaac so-to-speak, for the love of God. If we cannot relinquish all these things to God, they become idols in our life. And idols are not always grotesque pagan statues, they can be good things: family, prosperity, health, a good education, etc. And if they are idols, then they control us. We are invited to love and be loved perfectly by Christ. He's all we need. Once we are full with Christ, then everything else can be enjoyed in it's proper perspective. If we lose them, we will grieve, but we will not be devasted. If we don't get what we desire, sure we will be disappointed, but we won't collapse into despair. We have the greatest treasure -- God.

It's this way with our marriage. If I am full with Christ, then I don't need my wife to be happy. Sure I would love for her to be in my life, I would love to share a wonderful life with her --in fact, I'll invite her into it. But -- and here's the big but -- the pressure's off. She won't feel my desperate idolatrous energy that will be crushed if she refuses my invitation. Rather, she'll see a full, happy and content person who wants to share his joy.

Sound familiar?

So you see..God is the supreme divorce buster.

Let's talk about God's will.

Big subject.

You can look at things simply or complexly. If you look at things simply you'll say: It can't be God's will for my wife to leave me, so if she does it simply says that God sits back and says, "Sorry 8, this free-will thing is a real bitch. I can't interfere in this one. You got burned on this one." End of story.

Or you can be a little more complex and say, well God's in control of everything And all things come to us from his hand. And...all things work for the good of those who love him and are called to his purposes. So...even through this marriage issue is calamity right now, this is being brought/allowed into your life by God for your good, to shape you into a more powerful, loving being.

Look at Genesis 50. Joesph was betrayed by his brothers and sold into slavery into Egypt. Bad thing. They freely did this. Joseph rose to the ranks to be the #2 guy in Egypt. His brothers came to Egypt to buy food because there was a famine in Israel. They realized Joseph was the #2 guy and they were sh#tting in their pants. Joseph forgave them and brought his family to Egypt to save them from the famine. Joseph was gracious and told them something interesting. Listen to it: "Do not worry, what you meant for evil, God meant for good, the saving of many lives." His brothers' freely willed evil action was simultaneously God's good action to save their family. How's that for a paradox? Who was in control? God. Was the brother's action any less evil? No.

Go figure.

So...perhaps as you talk about accepting God's will for you life, remember, you can't see the big picture. Your wife's evil actions (let's be honest here) may be God's hand for something wonderful yet to come. What you do know, is God's got your back.

I'm out of time now...

Let's talk next time about all the options you have....

And you have many more than you think.

--Theoden

[theoden]

8,

Let's look at your options...

First of all. I want to say: it's time to banish fear. What are you afraid of? The worst has happened. She's had an affair, moved out, and is engaged to someone else. You can't "lose her" anymore than you have. You've hit-bottom. She can't do anything more to you. Your interactions with her are pretty much what things will look like if you get divorced.The only difference is when you're divorced she'll have to share the child-rearing and you'll have more time to yourself. There's only one way to go: up. You can only win. There are two scenarios: you win by getting a great life without her, OR you win by getting a great life with her. No more eggshell walking. Take back the power. You hold all the cards now. A little righteous anger is due now: she hurt you bad. But, in all honesty, she's nuts. that's not the kind of wife you want. You don't want her back AS SHE IS NOW. She's going to have to change. Do you want to be married to a self-centered, emotionally volatile, adulterous, morally vacuous person? If the MLC and new romance begin to dissipate, she'll come to her senses, and then perhaps you guys can build something good for the both of you.

But..as it is...you don't want what she's become.

She can only change for the better. And you might creatively help lead her to sanity.

So..what are you afraid of? Alientating a psycho? Upsetting a woman who does not respect you? Scaring away someone who has already left?

It's only people who hit bottom who actually become really dangerous and creative: they have nothing to lose, they have no fear. YOUR IN THE BEST PLACE RIGHT NOW.

The keys for you: Get some time for yourself and GAL. Learn to not need your wife. Put away fear.

And I can't say I manufactured this, but today, for some strange reason, I'm really excited about my life, excited about God, about what the future will bring *with or without* my wife. I don't feel like a divorce would be a death sentence. It just dawns on you one day. This is what did it for me: it was my wife telling me that the EA had become a PA. In some sense, the fear died. The worst happened. I actually can look at her with pity and compassion. She's a mess. And she needs help. But you know..I'll be OK.

SO...your options.

1. You can divorce you wife. Spiritually, emotionally, legally you have grounds. Start fresh. Take a year to find yourself. Find someone new. Live a happy life. Love your kids. Sure they will be hurt, but they are hurting now. You are not doing anything to them -- your wife did. In some sense, you are closing a door. Your wife left, you simply shut the door. You are continuing to have hope for yourself, but you are ceasing to hope your wife will change.

2. You can stand. You can hold out hope for your wife. Continue to GAL, live boldly and joyfully. Get rid of fear. Experiment. Mess with her head - but only when YOU feel like it. Have fun. Try the alpha male stuff. Internalize The Way of A Superior Man. Become someone new and interesting. Simply decide you will not end the marriage.

IF you stand, this will lead to one of two scenarios:

2a. She'll come around. She'll come back. You may take her back, or you may not. But the choice will be yours. If you choose not to take her back: go back to option one. If you choose to take her back: make sure the marriage works for the both of you. You need to be a new person 8, or she'll walk all over you again. That's why GAL is key. Rebuild something new and exciting.

2b. She divorces you. You held the moral high ground. There was no stone left unturned. Start fresh. Take a year to find yourself. Find someone new. Live a happy life. Love your kids. Sure they will be hurt, but they are hurting now. You are not doing anything to them -- your wife did.

--Theoden

[81388*]

Theo;
Man, thank you so much!

It started tonight. My wife came over to pick up D12 who is going to work with her tommorrow. We were sitting around just visiting and going over our week so far. D14 called to see if she could spend the night at friend's house, and while I made her sweat, I said "here, talk to Mom while I think about it", while wife was on the phone, D12 said something about going to Tibet this summer on a mission trip, I just told her no, we had talked about mission work, but Tibet was going to take a little work, and I had already been recruited for a trip to the Pakistan/Afganistan region this next fall. My wife stopped talking and just looked at me like I was from outer space. She asked who I was trying to convert, bin laden himself? I told her if I found the SOB I would probably try to convert him, NO FEAR!

As I have said in previous posts, bomb drop was within weeks of my returning from mission work in Mongolia, wife has said that my being gone had nothing to do with her decision other than showing her she would be OK without me. D12 has expressed interest in doing mission work, and I have been trying to come up with a trip that would be suitable, obviously Pakistan is not that trip. D12 has the same interest in medicine, and although she is a quiet soul, has the heart of an evangelist.

You were elequent in your summary of my options. The worst has indeed happened for both of us. I am saddened by the revelation of your wife's PA, and all I can say is I know your pain first hand. I know how deep and painful that wound is. There are times that I can bearly breath, and moments of such strength and clarity. I too wish it were possible to just give you a hug and reassure you that you are a good man, a decent man, one who is not deserving of the trial you face, but as you said, we are in good company.

For now I have decided to stand. Mostly for me, but also for my wife and my family. Most of all for God. Through this all I have felt more often then not that God has called me to stand in the face of this. I do not know why, and I do not know for how long, but I feel certain that that is what He would have me do. If my wife decides that there is a life here together, wonderful. If she decides to divorce, so be it. Either way, I know who I want to be, the person who gets to hear "well done good and faithful servant."

[81388*]

Getting a life.

I have friends visiting this weekend, kind of a big chill thing. I was up late with D14 making bar-b-q sauce, and I start smoking this afternoon.

Kids go back to school on Monday, and I have them next weekend so I looked into times for bowling, they thought it sounded like fun. I have them thinking about what things they would like to try, while I do the same.

I am holding off on classes, etc. at this point, for the next few weeks, my evenings are going to be about homework, D14 and D12 grades have tanked recently and the deal has always been no extracurriculars unless all As and Bs. Normally I would have just told them they are done with everything else until the grades come up, but I can see how difficult all of this has been on them, and feel the better solution would be to work with them to get their grades up while allowing them to continue some of their activities.

I am really looking forward to the weekend, just hanging out and living life.

[Yoyowife]

8,
I know what you mean about the Ds grades. Both of my Ds grades have slid also. I too have overlooked it since I know the stress they are under. The youngest one just started high school and the oldest just started college this year. I too just try to help and encourage them.

I just read the previous posts on your site. You and Theo are such strong men in the face of adversity. I'm getting stronger, but I don't believe I have made it to the place that you two both have.

I hope your weekend is great, it sound like you have it all planned out!

YW

[EmtnRllrCstr]

8, theoden,

I am glad to have found this thread, but saddened of the adversity that faces us. I am encouraged by your faith and I too had to get the spot where I have had to give up my wife and family to God. If it is his will for my family to stay intact I will rejoice and if it is not(this will be hard for I am flesh and weak) I need to rejoice in that he has something better planned for our lives. theoden said it best in above reply, God gives us all free will and even though our choices may go againest his will he will use it for the betterment of his kingdom.

I will keep you in my prayers. Remember 1 John 4:4 " ....he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world"

-EmtnRllrCstr

[81388*]

YW and Emtn;
Thank you for your posts. I can assure you that if you look back through the last several threads, the strength comes and goes. I think it the same for most of us. When it first begins we are consumed with fear. The fear of change,uncertainty,loss of love. We are also hurt by the betrayal and trapped in an emotional undertow. Those of us that are fortunate enough to find resources such as DR/DB, don't spend as much time in that evil place and quickly choose to be different people.

The choice is made at first because we want to stop our spouses from doing what they are doing, but gradually we come to realize that the change is really for us. We choose to become strong, happy, joyful, and giving. As we make that choice we start to see our lives as individuals and that although it won't be what we thought it would be, our lives can still be wonderful even without the person we had once wanted in it more then anything else.

The weekend was great! Stayed up too late, drank too much beer, played the music too loud, and slept more and better then I have since this started. I other words, I had my own mini MLC. The big difference is that at the end of the weekend, I could look back at the 3 days and say that it was fun, but I had no desire to live there. Just like college, I can remember it fondly, but wouldn't want to have to do it again.

Yes there are things in my life that need to change, but that can be done without sacrificing the rest of my family. Maybe at some point my wife will see that the same is true for her.