As to the question of "giving up" - there's a difference between giving up and letting go. Loving detachment - understanding and accepting that you can't control his behaviors or choices, stepping outside of your own pain enough to have some empathy for the confusion and pain he is in, working on improving yourself (we ALL can use some improvement) - these are things we all can and must learn to do - they are different from "giving up". I don't think you should "give up" on your H - he is ill and may need you some day. But you certainly need to "let go" - your constant attempts to reach him are only driving him away. (BTW - don't assume that he doesn't notice your changes, or that he doesn't hear what you are saying, just because you don't get a response - my H remembers one thing I said to him that I would have sworn he didn't even hear, much less absorb - and told me months later how important it was to him.)
What if tomorrow, you appeared looking your absolute best, with some new changes, smiled and were cheerful, DIDN'T try to engage him in any conversation, and simply said "Thank you" nicely and left? Even better if you could cut off the interaction first and imply you were in a hurry to be somewhere?
Then, maybe aftera few non-threatening contacts like this, H would be receptive to a simple note, in which you validated that you understand that he can't cope with the girls right now, and probably is a little worried about scaring the girls. Tell him that you understand he is going through a really rough time, and that you are taking good care of his girls for him, so that someday when he feels well enough he can see them again.
But don't give him this note until after a few episodes of "painless" contact. If you keep pursuing he'll cut off that contact too. If you stop pursuing, he might eventually start to wonder what you are up to.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
