Sorry that you are having a rough day, I know how you are feeling. Take some comfort in knowing that you are not the only one who feels this pain. I believe in something much greater then this world and our sitch's and though it is hard I believe that it is an honor to suffer a fraction of what Christ suffered for me.
The fact that you are at this site tells me that you a compassionent, tender hearted, amazing W. We don't deserve the pain that we all are going through, no one does. Even though your H cannot see it through his deception and lies, try to remember that you are a great person, a great wife, a great....
wow...what a ride...I will get caught up with you later....
I do want to tell you that I think you are doing really good despite the meltdowns...I had plenty of those...but notice you are picking yourself up and moving forward after each one...not staying static...
Also...I would move out of the office without a word as well..when he asks I would say..."Well, I decided it would be easier for me to work from home and whether we continue in business or not my office will work for me at home!"...that way you are not committing to being used as a business partner should the R/M come to end at some point down the road..
I would like you to do some research on Xanax...my concern would be rebound effects when you stop taking it...and is it safe for you to take 3 at a time...that sounds like bordering on an overdose....and same for sleeping pills...educate yourself so you can take care of yourself...
I am exhausted...I will get back to you soon...thinking I need a trip to Vegas for me...and I don't gamble but love the weather!
It must be in the air. I had a melt down for a while yesterday too. It is so tough trying not to think if they are with the OW and why they aren't around or in my case doesn't answer his phone or call or come home to help. It just is hard to figure. Which is our problem we shouldn't be thinking about that. It is easier said than done.
I won't take up to much time I have to go to my thread and tell how I had a arguement with H today over kids and then it turned into OW arguement ( which I swore I wouldn't do but we know how to push each others buttons.)
Great job of researching about moving company. That is the START. I agree just do it and if he asks I agree with imlin "Hey it just works better for me to work at home".
You are making progress, everytime you make a step it empowers me to take a step. Just keep your head up. I know its hard not to have the melt downs but it is getting a little easier to pick myself up and I think it is for you too.
I have to do some work tonite. Will try and check on you later.
I agree with ImLIn about the Xanex. 3 at a time seems like an awful lot. Please do find out about that and mixing the different drugs together. Sometimes that isn't a good combination.
Have a good night if I don't make it back tonight and remember you are GAL and improving each day.
As always, thank you so much for all of your encouragement. Today has been one of the worst days I think I've had since this all started back in November. I CANNOT stop crying and feeling hopeless and like I just want to end this so that I'm not in this "limbo land" anymore and can get on with my life. At the same time, I know separation/D isn't any easier than what I'm going through... AND I don't want to feel like that I didn't do everything possible to save our M.
I truly have so much work to do, guys, and it is getting so far behind. I just don't care. It's hard because we're self-employed, so I have no one to "answer to," and a lot of what I do involved a lot of concentration. I don't know what I'm going to do... deadlines are coming up for us, and I just don't care. I was hoping the medication would help me to start getting more "stable" and help me to focus and feel less anxious... Not so much...
About the Xanax, I usually only take one at a time, and if I don't feel it "taking hold" in a half hour or so, I'll sometimes take another, and then wait and see again. My doctor is the one who prescribed all of the meds for me, so he's aware of what I'm taking. I have another appointment scheduled with him next week I think it is, so I will talk to him about it. I know Xanax is addictive. I don't feel like it's helping as much as it used to...
About the business, I don't think there is any possible way if we don't stay together that I could do the business still with him. I just don't think I could stomach it; I feel like it would be a form of self-torture. Are we GREAT business partners? Absolutely. Can/have we accomplished wonderful things together? Uh-huh. Do I want to work with someone who cheated on me and is still with OW and not ever be able to meet her, run into her, have him be able to talk about her? I just don't think it's a good idea or healthy for me. I need to move on. I CAN do this business by myself if I have to, and so could he. We just are a great team, so it would be a lot harder. I know he is thinking about that a lot, too.
H still hasn't shown up anywhere I've been today. Doesn't look like he's been at the office at all today either. So then the thought runs through my mind of whether he's off for a few days with OW??? Like Penny said, I can't think/worry about what he is doing, but it is so much easier said than done, especially when I feel like I'm losing my mind right now....
Seriously, guys, this is one of the worst days I've had. I'm scared... The Xanax doesn't seem to be helping to calm me down, and I have so much work to do... I'm feeling so hopeless and alone and lost right now... What is happening to me?????
That is what found with antidepressents...pretty soon they don't work...and believe me I know how you feel...so done...so over it all...just want to move one...remember I filed for divorce TWICE!...looking back now I know it was impulsive on my part because it DID NOT change how I felt...I DID NOT "allow" me to move forward...finally I realized that the ability to move on was my own....BUT I had to properly grieve through the process...I think that is where you are now....
I understand not being able to stay business partners if things don't come back around....that is why I worded my response the way I did...you can work from home now with him...you have phone and email access for business and you can handle the way you did in Vegas if YOU choose to....then if he/you decide this R/M is no more...then you can still have YOUR home office to keep working the business for yourself....this also adds no pressure to him which is also a good thing....however, it lets him know that you won't be available at his beckon call....
I also agree that it is best to lay down boundries as they come up....so you don't sound like you have sitting around plotting the demise of his life....for instance...instead of telling him not to just come in YOUR house when he wants...or when he has had too much to drink...just change the locks!...change the code for the door opener to the garage...or disable it for now and just manually lift it up to up to put your car in at night....he will figure it out when/if he shows up again...and then you can state that you felt that you felt it was time to establish a boundry of your home....he is welcome if he is invited or makes prior arrangements but that you don't feel comfortable with him just popping in when he has been drinking or whatever...
Thanks, imLin, and WELCOME HOME! Please post when you feel up to it and let us know how your trip went, okay? I've been thinking about you and hoping that you were having a wonderful time.
Still feel like the world is coming in around me... Just want this day to end...
Quote:
looking back now I know it was impulsive on my part because it DID NOT change how I felt
Can you explain this a little bit more, imLin? Thanks.
Now wondering if he took his suitcase and was no where to be found today because he is with "her" on a trip somewhere. God help me to STOP thinking/caring about what he is doing. I guess I just wish so much that *I* had someone to come home to at night and to be with and laugh with...
I'm not sure exactly when their R started, but I think it became a physical R around the end of October, just by the way I noticed he was acting differently. So, if that's the case, 6 months would be this month (April) sometime. I know Michele says that most A's end within 6 months, so now I'm getting so scared about that, too. They seem to be still "going strong," although I have no idea for sure. What if it doesn't die its own death????
I feel like I've failed so miserably... I didn't DB as well as I could have before our first trip, I panicked when he did come home, and I'm so scared that he isn't going to give us another chance, and I just see the whole world crumbing around me.... I would give anything for someone just to hug me, tell me it's all going to be okay, that if I just do what I need to do right now as far as distancing/detaching that he WILL come along. I know there is no guarantees and that the ultimate goal all of this is to fix ME... I just miss him so much and don't want to be a failure at M...
I just thought I would pop back over from my post where i vented and vented. Remember how you were going to say "OK God I need some help here. You got to make me strong at least help me handle it" It is amazing how well it works. I need to remember that too. Keep try it. It at least makes you think you are in control.
Imlin is right you will do a lot better at home in your own office. Make it so you will enjoy being there. If you have to put up some new decorations to make it have a new fun relaxing atomshere where you want to be go do it. Change it to make it have the energy that you are needing. I went and bought new paint and wall paper for the bedroom to give it a fresh look that maybe it would make me feel better about myself. I think it would help you tooo. Just a thought. We have to think GAL and every little bit helps. I was surprised at my self how I had become so obsessed with this whole A deal and H that I really had to work at becoming creative again. I think you are there too. I am starting to get where I can concentrate again at work. I think alot of it is reading your posts and all the advice you have gotten and the support. It makes you realize you are not alone and you do have the support. I feel bad about my H at times because his family knows and they are a big family and they support me. So I think it makes it tough at times.
Not that I don't have relapses like I had yesterday and today. I just set myself back a long ways with H. I just vented on my feelin lost what do I do thread.
Well 2940 I just wanted to give you alittle encouragement that we can all use. Remember you are not alone. Try and get a good night sleep..... You had posted why I was still typing away. I know what you mean about wanting a hug and someone to come home too. I actually when I had my agrument with H today I told him it was frustrating and it was really lonely for me. We are all here for you and that each one of us is giving you a big HUG today.....
Thanks for the great advice, Penny. I realize that I have just had "one of those days" for whatever reason, I guess mostly the sress of coming home and not knowing what to expect... It's reall draining. AND I know I'm not supposed to have any expections. It just feels funny that he wasn't at the office ALL DAY today - that's unusual. And I had to drive by the job site to check on some things later tody - no sign of him there, either.
I know that there are a million different things he could have been doing yesterday and today, but your mind always thinks the wrost when it doesn't know the truth...
Am still working on the whole office move back to the house. The tiny problem right now is a timing issue, as were are tring to get some spaces leased up, and I take care of all of that usually. So I usually just schedule an appt to meet them, but it's only about a 10-15 minute drive for me to get there, whereas from home it would be about 25 minutes. We're getting closer and closer to getting these units all rented out, and I don't want to jeopardize that.
I may start with a baby step of just bringing some files home with for a day and just working on them from home and see how it goes being home by myself. You're right, Penny, I need to make this a safe environment for me.
So I'm not exactly sure of the plan of attack for moving the office yet. I may want to wait this weekend and give us a few days t see what/if any this trip and my reactions to it affected him, if at all...
Maybe he just disappeared today to get me back somehow by disappearing??? Who knows.
Have taken all my nightly meds now and am much more calm now - and exhausted. So still haven't seen, spoken with, or heard from H since Friday.... This so hard...
Hmmmm....I posted to you last night but it isn't here now...strange...
Anyway lets see if I can remember what I posted now, lol....
Oh...about my impulsive actions not changing how I felt....filing for S/D DID NOT take away any of the pain, DID NOT help me move on....I still had to grieve the loss of my marriage (no matter if you get back together or not THAT marriage as you knew it MUST be grieved)...there really is no speedy process....
We have all heard of rebound relationships and yes, sometimes they work....I will tell you I ached to be JUST held...my H didn't ML or have S with me after he left...I did meet a nice older man and he actually flew from the Atlantic Coast of Canada to the Pacific Coast of California to meet me (I really don't recommend this)....while it did feel good to be held...this didn't solve my issues either...I couldn't kiss this man...he knew up front there would be no intimacy and he respected me on that...the point is..."I" was not ready...it was better for me to mourn the loss of those things with my marriage then to try and Band Aide them with someone else...in the process of all of this I ended up letting this man down (although we remain friends and he totally understands now) because all the things I thought I wanted and was ready to have with someone else...I wasn't...
As aweful and unbearable as all these feelings are that you are having...they are necessary to the process...
Also...you really need to STOP glamorizing thier R...we all do this initially but later realize or are actually told (like I was) that it wasn't about all that...I have a friend that went with us on a cruise...her X had an affair with the next door neighbor...she was so consumed with hurt, anger, betrayal, and all those emotions that she just wanted it over...she filed for and got a D...so what was left for her H???...he married the OW...now 20+ years later my friend says she knows now he would have come back to her...OW told her that she (my friend) was really the first choice and she (OW) was the second...her X also said that over the years he realized that he made a mistake and never really stopped loving her...but what was done is done...A's can last however long they need to....my H's was atleast 8 months...I know of some that were over a year...they still returned...the point here is you CAN NOT put a time limit on any of this....all you CAN do is work on GAL and becoming ALL that you can be...it really is ALL up to you....
I see your revised plan about moving the office...is this because now you might be scared you won't see him...or you won't know if he is sleeping at the office or not???...question your own motives...10 minutes more will not jeapordize being able to rent out a unit...if someone makes an appointment....or even calls last minute...they will wait the extra few minutes it will take YOU...not knowing that it used to be only a 15 minute drive for you...
I think the important thing for you in moving the office to your home is to give YOU space...allow you a safe working environment...and give you the control over talking to him or not...and "IF" things don't work out down the line you are set up to go to work on your own without anymore drama...."IF" things do work out it still would be good to have time apart during your days....and for you to have your space still...
As for business meetings, family functions...I don't know but I would be inclined to excuse myself...just say I am not feeling well...make a short appearance if it is really necessary (personally I would let him deal with this too)and leave early...real early...
Of course as Jody said...we don't know your family situation...but my inclination would be to caution YOU on your motives...don't do it to "save" H...I think the going and pretending that all is okay if eating away at you...I would feel the same about the business meetings...I shared some business with my H while we were separated...when he introduced to me to his people by my name....I laughed and said "That was AKA 'my wife' not too long ago."...my H hadn't told anyone...one person saw a picture of him/her together and asked "What is going on here?"...it made him uncomfortable to explain his actions...I think maybe it is time for H to explain his...this doesn't mean it is over...heck, my whole family and all of our friends knew because he was removed socially from our congregation when I disclosed to the elders that he was having an A and he finally admitted it to them....so...the point is...just because the family finds out the "dirty little secret"...doesn't prevent reconciliation....I think it facilitates it because then the person (your H) is held accountable to actions...sort of makes them think about things instead of just "doing" them...if that makes sense...
I do hope your days get better...and please do talk to your doctor about the meds...if they are not working properly taking more might not be the answer for you...I also think working at home, avoiding social circumstances and family functions with H will also help you get better control...as I have stated before I cried daily for atleast a year...but I did this on MY time...and I stopped having the total meltdowns...mainly because H had cut me off totally...I didn't have to face him, talk to him, deal with him....I had to learn to do it all myself...even the stuff that was HIS I had to deal with on my own...he dropped ALL responsibity when he left....that was hard!
So hang in there...I do see some improvement...and right now that is all you can do...some...but you MUST keep moving forward...don't allow the undertow of the tide to suck you back in...
I had a doctor's appointment scheduled for a couple of weeks from now and called to reschedule it for next Wednesday (soonest he had available). I feel like my mood swings are getting worse rather than better, but it may just be because I haven't been taking the medication for long enough yet.
Woke up at 1:30 am, was able to get back to sleep, then woke up again at 3:30 am and couldn't get back to sleep until around 7 am.... Finally took some more sleeping pills to get me some more rest.
Then, woke up in tears again... I honestly do NOT understand why I am backsliding so much with my emotions... I feel worse than I ever have about this whole thing. Where is all of this coming from? How do I cope? I feel like at any given moment that I could just sit down and talk to him and say I've had it. I just want happiness and stability in my life again...
Have to run and get some work done but just wanted to post and say hi and thanks for the advice. Keep it coming, please!!!!
