As always, thank you so much for all of your encouragement. Today has been one of the worst days I think I've had since this all started back in November. I CANNOT stop crying and feeling hopeless and like I just want to end this so that I'm not in this "limbo land" anymore and can get on with my life. At the same time, I know separation/D isn't any easier than what I'm going through... AND I don't want to feel like that I didn't do everything possible to save our M.
I truly have so much work to do, guys, and it is getting so far behind. I just don't care. It's hard because we're self-employed, so I have no one to "answer to," and a lot of what I do involved a lot of concentration. I don't know what I'm going to do... deadlines are coming up for us, and I just don't care. I was hoping the medication would help me to start getting more "stable" and help me to focus and feel less anxious... Not so much...
About the Xanax, I usually only take one at a time, and if I don't feel it "taking hold" in a half hour or so, I'll sometimes take another, and then wait and see again. My doctor is the one who prescribed all of the meds for me, so he's aware of what I'm taking. I have another appointment scheduled with him next week I think it is, so I will talk to him about it. I know Xanax is addictive. I don't feel like it's helping as much as it used to...
About the business, I don't think there is any possible way if we don't stay together that I could do the business still with him. I just don't think I could stomach it; I feel like it would be a form of self-torture. Are we GREAT business partners? Absolutely. Can/have we accomplished wonderful things together? Uh-huh. Do I want to work with someone who cheated on me and is still with OW and not ever be able to meet her, run into her, have him be able to talk about her? I just don't think it's a good idea or healthy for me. I need to move on. I CAN do this business by myself if I have to, and so could he. We just are a great team, so it would be a lot harder. I know he is thinking about that a lot, too.
H still hasn't shown up anywhere I've been today. Doesn't look like he's been at the office at all today either. So then the thought runs through my mind of whether he's off for a few days with OW??? Like Penny said, I can't think/worry about what he is doing, but it is so much easier said than done, especially when I feel like I'm losing my mind right now....
Seriously, guys, this is one of the worst days I've had. I'm scared... The Xanax doesn't seem to be helping to calm me down, and I have so much work to do... I'm feeling so hopeless and alone and lost right now... What is happening to me?????
