EA turned PA, Wife on the fence

[2stardog]

My wife dropped the bomb of her marrital dissatifaction back in Nov. of last year. She first told me a married couple, who both work w/her had an arguement and the wife all but accused the husband of having an affair w/my wife. The man warned my wife of the possible repercussions. So, my wife after telling me all this decides to state her unhappiness. I felt very uneasy from this point on but began to focus on things I thought would make a difference. My wife insisted they were just friends. As time went on and I tried desperately to rekindle the fire in my wife's heart, something was amiss. Most affectionate advances were perceived as "smothering"or "fake". I've taken full responsibility for my part in the degredation of our relationship. I only paid attention to her or touched her when I "wanted some" so to speak. I rarely came to bed, staying up late watching ESPN or "taking care of myself" while viewing "adult content" on the net. Then often times I'd fall asleep on the couch. Thinking I was being considerate by not waking her as she is a rather light sleeper. I also have had a history of putting a guilt trip on her for not wanting to have sex.
Recently I've found out through therapy that I've been living w/ADHD and this explains alot of our struggles over the years (13together, 10married) my wife is very strategic in nature and I've always lacked the focus necessary to even figure out what I'm doing ten minutes from now much less tomorrow.
Throughout the course of this ordeal I've increasingley got the feeling there was more to her relationship w/this man than she was letting on. Snooping in her purse(I know, big mistake) I found a Christmas card that I thought rather inappropriate to be giving another man's wife. Nothing sexual, but still disturbing. I accused her of at least having an emotional affair. She insisted they were just "really good friends"(sound familiar?) But she couldn't live under a microscope. She said If I were to snoop again she was out of here. I told her I would respect her privacy. I was a basket case at this point. My faith in her was always strong. I drew from this to make the decision that she was being honest w/me. Late Feb./early Mar. she took a nine day business trip to Atlantic City. There were a couple of days in between events she was to attend. Those couple of days An old girlfriend flew out and met her where they did the usual "sin city" type of stuff which really didn't bother me but the distance was unbearable. When she got back I saw an A.C. phone # w/ a rm # jotted on a piece of mail that I know came in after she got back. I thought "this is odd". So I called the #. "such and such resort and confrence center" the desk clerk said. I told her the room # and she asked If I could verify the guests name. I responded with the name of my wifes "good friend" and she patched me right through. I then hung up. I decided to install some software on my wife's notebook w/ the intent on lifting the password to her personal email account. It worked like a charm.
I got In and found out what I'd suspected was true. The relationship had even progressed to trysts in hotel rooms. At that point I realized just how much I love my wife. I always thought infidelity especially the physical type was a total deal breaker for me. I was mistaken. I know I can forgive her. I can get past this and trust her again if the proper measures are taken. The next evening I waited until the kids (2 boys 6 and 3) were tucked in bed and I confronted her. She vehemently denied the accusation so I responded by handing her a print out of chats I found in her email account trash bin. She was quiet, I told her to listen and she could talk after I was finished. I told her I loved her and that she had a choice to make, Her family or her fantasy. I said I understood that she went outside the marriage because I wasn't meeting her emotional needs. I was going to leave that night but it had gotten late and I was very tired. So I stayed and haven't left yet. I've since been told the rendevouz in the hotel rooms happened only twice locally(they weren't in A.C. at the same time). She said they both realized they'd made a mistake and they stopped the physical encounters. I knew there was more to their relationship than she did. She explained that she was "tricking herself" about the nature of their friendship.
I've repeatedly said that I'm willing to work on this marriage if she is. But I won't if she doesn't have both feet in it "What would be the point"
She said that he didn't cause our problems, to which I've replied,"Well, he's sure not helping us solve them!" I told her in order for us to have a fighting chance all unnecessary contact must be eliminated. I realize there may be some work related contact. But it must be limited to just that.
The funny thing is now she doesn't trust me because I violated her privacy. "In a calculated, semi-evil sort of way" she stated.
All I want to do is keep my family intact and win back the heart of the love of my life. She's my everything. I was so blind not to see how I was treating her and how it drove her away from me and paved the way for her affair.
Do any of you have any suggestions I realize I've already done some DB "don'ts" but where should I go from here? I know we love each other, but are these trust issues too deep?