Well I just heard from my wife a little while ago and she is still on her way to go get the puppy. I have no clue as to why, I normally would be for it but think that it will cause more frustration then anything.
Well the reason that I am posting again is that my wife asked me tonight if we were through and I of course told her NO. I told her that I respected how she felt and gave my reasons as to why I thought that we are not done. I then turned the question around on her...maybe this was a mistake since I new her answer.. But she obviously said that she thought that we were through and that our girls is the only thing that we have in common. She also said that last week while I was gone she was at peace being by herself which just in her mind validates her leaving. I don't think she realizes that she will not be able to come and go like she is currently doing with our kids. She will have no free time if we got divorced. Life is not that easy..... She has me to fall back on and if we got divorced I am nolonger around to be her crutch. I know that she cannot think clearly but I am afraid that she is going to cause a lot of damage before she can think clearly.
Should I call her and have her turn around so we can talk this out tonight or should I just let the puppy happen and try to keep on DB'ing?
Well I suck at this DB'ing stuff. I was at my neighbors house with the girls for most of the evening and after I got the call from my wife, I thought of having her turn around and meeting me at her parents so we can hash things out...well a long story short I did not have her turn around and meet me at her parents..but since I did call the in-laws my FIL called and yelled at his daughter. I actually do not think that it hurt anything but I do not think that helped. I should have went with my gut and did nothing. Well hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
My wife was gone most of the day because she drove 4+ hours to get our puppy. It is cute and seems to have a good temperment. I still do not know if adding a puppy into the mix was the smarts thing to do, I guess we will see.
I brought the girls to church this morning and for the first time my oldest did not want to go down to her class but wanted to go to big church with daddy. I was of course cool with this, but, the hard thing to watch is how clingy she is through this whole sitch. Here are some examples in the last 24 hrs. Last night while trying to leave my neighbors house my oldest hugged my neighbor and wouldn't let her go.. I had to turn away otherwise I would have started crying. As much as my wife is trying to be there for the girls she is not. She hasn't been a bad mom, she just has not been herself and has not been able to love them the way that she has. Then today at church my kids did the same thing with my MIL. She commemented on how clingy that my kids were acting. It is true... this is how they have been throughout this whole sitch. It kills me to see the girls being effected like this.
Well my W and I had another conversation this evening. I should actually mention that this conversation was preceeeded by a conversation that my wife had with her sister. I have actually purposely NOT talked to my SIL's about what is going on, so I had no idea what she was going to say to my W. Well I guess that she came down hard on my wife and told her everything that she has been observing and told my wife that she was acting just like another dark time in my wifes life that she thought she had conquered. So from my W conversation with her sister she was in tears (this is the first sign of emotion that I have seen from my wife in a couple of weeks). Well I gave her some space for a little while. I put my oldest to bed and when I was done my wife was still visibly upset(which hurts me because I do not like seeing her sad...I am messed up I know) so I asked her if she wanted to talk. She did not really say anything but she was still crying, so I asked her what the conversation with her sister was all about. One of the comments that my W made was that she should have kept her mouth shut (I assume about the EA) and that she should have went along playing the game(translated: keep faking that everything in life is hunky dory). She then told me that her sister came down on her about the kids and that she was acting like she did 12 years ago(this is before me). She asked me what I thought for which I did not get defensive I really tried to respect how she is feeling. I told her what I have seen in our girls behaviour and basically that I am hoping and praying to hear her say that she wants to fight for our M. I told her that I am not looking for a promise that everything is going to be alright, I just want to know that she really wants to fight for our M.
She asked if it was ok.....yeah she still asks me if things are ok for her to do, I guess she knows I will say ok.... to go out for a little bit. So she left to go jounal and processes all that has happened in the last few days. She is also hoping that one of our friends can meet up with her after she gets off work.. She appologized again for getting me into this mess and said she is sorry that she feels like she has fought for our marriage and doesn't know if she can keep trying to fight. She was still upset so I aksed her if it was ok to give her a hug, which I did and kissed her forehead. So here I am now pounding away at the keyboard hoping that my wife will one day choose to fight for our marraige and everything that we have built together.
I should also mention that I briefly talked to our friend that went with my wife to pickup the puppy. I asked her if she thought we had any hope? She said that she likes to think that we do, but, that my W is not herself. She asked me who was the alien who took your W. I ask myself the same question....
Lets recap: Clingy kids, got puppy, wife gets yelled at by her dad and sister within 24 hrs. I spent most of the day with the IL's which was nice. And My wife and I talked tonight. I was basically told that she hasn't loved me for years and that she has been fooling herself into thinking everything was ok. Now that a passion has been stirred up inside of her she cannot ignore it and if she did she would die emotionally(this is my interpratation).
So my wife has never really loved me and she doesn't think our M is worth fighting for...man that sucks for me(and the kids).
This is the emotional rollercoaster. The reason you need to understand your wife is nuts is that is gives you compassion and a little emotional detachment from the situation. You can't hang on every word she says. She's re-writing the maritial history, in love with someone else, discovering herself, going through some form of identity crisis.
DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT take any of her negative comments about your relationship to heart. In your converasations, fish around like a good divorce buster for clues to help you in your quest, but DO NOT let her words/actions control your mood.
I would counsel you not to get your in-laws involved. If your wife is a PK then she's probably in the process of distancing herself from her past right now. The more you align yourself with her parents the more she can easily view you as a symbol of her past life. Right now she wants freedeom. She thinks she's been living a lie most of her life.
Also...do not think you can have one amazing conversation that will convice her to re-consider. You life, lived fully with joy and clear purpose will speak more powerfully. And I think you are finding that you wife needs to be listened to, not reasoned with. Listen, validate her feelings and don't judge. You can't play the Father in this, telling her what to do. You can't play the Holy Spirit and try and be her conscience. You can, however, be Christ. You are called upon, right now to suffer for the sake of your wife and children.
Dude...this takes time. Some people take a few months, some a year, some 18 months, some two years. It's been a year for me, and we are now at the make or break point. It may work or it may end -- it's really up to me right now. Be patient.
You are doing fine. Ease back on the pace. Your wife is reaching out, don't start to chase her again. Let he some to you. Listen, validate feelings, don't judge. Have fun in your life. Start asserting you desires for your life. She won't respect you if you are a wimp. If you don't want to pick up your daughter, negotiate with her a better option.
Don't give up! I did alot of praying when my H walked out. I thought for sure he would never come back. He even started seriously dating 1 week after he moved out. We have been married for 14 years with 2 children. How could he leave me. After about 6 weeks he decided to come home and try again. It is not the same but I am glad he is given us the chance. Keep doing the D'busting. It really works. Pray alot too!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
All WAS say the same sh(* - they were never happy, no longer love you - don't they deserve to be happy blah blah blah.
My H really tried to convince me we were through-- for the last 8 mos in fact. Read my sitch and have some faith in the DB'ing it can work. Ultimately YOU become a better person with or without her. There is no convincing her right now - she is going to do the opposite of what you say...trust me I have learned this the hard way. It has taken me 8 mos of pure DB'ing to finally put the brakes on the Divorce train. Had I given up when H wanted me to we would be D by now - scary thought since we are now truly reconcilling!!!!
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
Listen to Heartbroken. She's living it. Patience, persistence. Don't believe your wife. Filter out most of what she says.
Most of all, Heartbroken is really beginning to see how attractive and amazing she is. She feels her power growing daily. She knows half the guys on this board would get into fist-fight over who gets to date her if her husband f*cks it up. ;-)
Theoden, your advice is amazing and on the money. I am both sorry and glad that you are at on at this site. You have and are helping me through this sitch. Without this site and the support from people like you I would be a hopeless man. I pray for you and your sitch. Please keep the advice and encouragement coming my way.
As for the in-laws I have not tried to turn them on their daughter but they see how decieved their daughter currently is. The crazy thing is before all this occured my relationship with them wasn't that strong. I have leaned on them for advice and have really gotten close to them. It also helps that my girls love them dearly, so I like being around my in-laws not only for myself but for my girls. I hear your warning and will tread lightly with telling them about our sitch.
Thanks again for the kick in the a$$, I keep thinking that she is going to walk into the room and she will snap back into reality.
She is going to C tonight and I have class, so I will probably not see her again today. She did call this morning, she typically does before she goes about her day....I know I should not answer everytime she calls..... be mysterious....(sorry talking to myself) Hopefully her counseler can answer her question on how you try to build a relationship when one member has never loved the other, wishfull thinking. What a load of crap, I know this is how my wife feels rightnow and I respect that, but what a load of crap.
I mentioned above that my SIL told my wife that she was acting like she did when she was with her ex-bf. Well here is some more details about that sitch.... That R was probably the darkest point in my wifes life and she was in an verbally and emotionally abusive R. She ran from everyone her sisters, parents and most importantly God. She was trapped in a sitch that she new was bad. She kept that up for 2 years before she came back home to her parents and a year after that she meet me. (I know I cannot listen to this crap, bear with me) She is now saying that she married my out of her insecurities, I gave her all the things that she was told that she could never be or get....she says that she manipulated me and tricked herself into thinking that she loved me... fast forward 7 years and two kids later, here I am. She is just realizing this and that I do not make her passionette blah blah blah.....
Here is to keeping my head up and validating the STUFF that comes out of my W mouth.
As for GAL'ing: - I start softball in a few weeks. - I am making efforts to hang with friends more often. - I have been running 12+ miles a week the last 3 months. - I am currently down 32 pounds, I am at my HS weight. - Because of the weightloss I am thinking about buying a new spring wardrobe. - I am traveling to the west coast at the end of the month and have plans to go a baseball game with, get this, my W childhood bestfriend husband. I'm just getting to know him, he is a good dude. - I have had some really good times with the girls the last couple of days.
Thanks again everyone for your support. I'll try to check back tonight. That reminds me, my W came into the room the other day while I was on this site so I quickly minimized the browser. She started to question me.... I did ask why she cared what I was up to, she just kept up the concerned questions coming. Don't worry my secert status as a Divorce Buster was not blown.
There is one thing that's true, but she's not telling you: she's bored with her life, and maybe with you.
Go with the Spring wardrobe.
What would be totally out of character for you? You seem like such a nice, stable, predictable guy. Just like me. Where's the warrior? Where's the dangerous guy? Where's the guy who will surprise himself and his psychopathic wife? ;-)
You are NOT some pathetic, wily, snake-like philanderer that has your wife bewitched. You are good, decent and full of integrity. Now it's time to realize how powerful, dangerous and magnificent you are. You are a hero, a warrior, an adventuter, a knight, a samurai.
This is Theoden's song from the Lord of the Rings, come join the ranks:
Out of doubt, out of dark, to the day's rising he rode singing in the sun, sword unsheathing. Hope he rekindled, and in hope ended; over death, over dread, over doom lifted out of loss, out of life, unto long glory
You are absolutely right I am very predictable. She has told me that in the past. I guess you get burned trying to live a life with some values. Not that this makes me a warrior, but I have been thinking with summer around the corner it is time for a new hair do. I have been thinking of shaving my head, but have the let the fear of what I would look like and how my wife would react stop me. My neighbors were also trying to convince me the other day to buy a Harley, I would have to consult with the wife on that one and she would not approve.
I agree with your statement about her life being boring. That is not all my fault. To be honest she is the main reason that I am not as crazy as I once was - she tamed a lion. I used to be the friend while everyone was sitting there talking about doing something a little crazy, I would get up and do just that. I wasn't one to do anything to put myself in harms way, but I had no issues doing something everyone else thought twice about. I used to have the F-it kind of attitude and got rid of it because that is what I felt my wife wanted.
Well I have class tonight, I really do not want to go and I have the kids by myself when I get home. I really do not know what to do with the puppy and I am curious were my wifes head is after last night. But I will not approach her I will let her come to me and validate her feelings.
- Another GAL that I forgot to mention. I am planning on running in a 5k this Saturday. Should be fun, I have a few friends taking part in it also.
