I'm starting to think that I didn't know what spirituality was because I didn't understand and accept (love) myself. That probably makes no sense. I still haven't made sense of it myself.
This makes a lot of sense to me. Could it have something to do with what you imply here:
Put simply, music made me feel like I was OK. It didn't make me feel like a bad person, an inherently flawed person.
Why did you feel bad or flawed? Not that I need an answer, but there obviously had to be something in your childhood which was not comforting or safe, something that helped to create this “damage” to you. Just as Fearless describes, both you and CAC had to self protect in order to survive. When a child has to do that, they learn that other people are dangerous and the only one they can really trust is themselves.
If you did not grow up in a strongly religious home, then that lack of trust in people might have spilled over to a lack of trust in religion. My W does not really know where she stands vis a vis religion. She has a hard time trusting any sort of God. The only person she ever drew comfort and security from was herself. Everyone else failed her. Turning herself over to love means placing a certain degree of trust in someone else. That is like asking her to stand under a suspended piano.
So even though she has come to understand where many of her issues come from, she still feels the fear. Overcoming that feeling takes time, and that is where CBT can help, IMO. So at lest know that you are not flawed, in fact, you are quite healthy. If you were not, you may not have survived to this day.
So try to recognize the survival strategies you had to use, know that those threatening times have passed, and that you can lay down your defenses because they are not longer needed. Try to see the world a safe pace to trust again.
BTW,
because they thought it wouldn't be good for him to be away from his family! Can you imagine?
Read these types of statements to really say “because they thought it wouldn't be good for THEM to be away from HIM!”
