Looking Up

[COG]

Heywyre,

Something came to mind yesterday that I wanted to share with you. I had a thought that it might be a good thing for you to buy your H a gift. Have you done anything spontaneous like that lately, or ever? Maybe something to go with the jeep like a shotgun, or a gun rack, or a GPS, or a cable winch.

Love,

COG

[Heywyre]

I used to do that all the time, but haven't lately. However, I do quite often buy him sentimental cards (but I am sure he would prefer a winch - lol)

I think I will stay away from the shot guns and gun racks though - being they are pretty much illegal here (unless you go through all the hoops which he is not willing to do)

And the jeep already has a winch on it. As for the GPS that would be a total insult as he prides himself on knowing directions inside out and would be ticked if I got him that

However, I will take your suggestion into consideration as I think it might be a good idea

Thanks COG

[Heywyre]

Journalling

Feeling somewhat better today. Went to the library to pick up a book yesterday (After the Affair) that I had been waiting for almost two months for. Well, it was well worth the wait. I can hardly put the darn thing down. It is like she interviewed me for it!!

I am also glad that I had to wait it out before it arrived because I am much more able to deal with the exercises that need to be done and understanding the whole structure of the A and how it happened. As much as I knew it wasn't my fault, that doesn't mean I didn't feel my world shatter around me, along with my self confidence and esteem. But that has come back and I am now more able to deal with the day to day roller coaster.

I have also come to realize that the A was not about what was wrong with me, it was about what H felt was wrong with him. There are a lot of issues we are both dealing with, his being very deeply rooted from childhood (a big one was being adopted and not finding out until he was 55 years of age, if you can believe it but that's a whole other topic of conversation)

The past couple of days seem to be on the up swing and I am enjoying my long-lost happiness. H seems to be happier too, he even said he wanted to cut back on seeing the C by himself to maybe once a month or less (but I don't think I want to as a couple and he is okay with that)

We are looking forward to the weekend and doing some more yardwork together. We always enjoyed that before the A. However, we have agreed that we can both be obsessive about doing certain things and have decided we need to ease up and just enjoy life a little more, together.

Hopefully, this is the corner I have been waiting to turn

[Heywyre]

Well, it was the infamous evening with the C today. Actually it turned out quite well (for me that is). Usually I don't seem to get much out of the sessions but this one really hit home - probably because he sided with me (I could tell) and really gave H a 2x4 because he kept evading answering the questions. Told him he was using the typical defense mechanism and it wasn't working.

We also talked about validation and how H totally crushes anything good he might say to me by adding "but ....." at the end of it. For instance, C asked him if he understood what I had just said to him (expressing my feelings) and he said "of course I heard her but ...." C jumped right on that one and said "don't you realize that anything good you have done you have just destroyed it and more by adding the "but" and your comment to the end. H said "I didn't mean anything by it" and the C said "well then you shouldn't have said it. Think the next time and just pause for 5-10 seconds without saying "but" at the end."

My H has a lot of problems stemming from being adopted but doesn't want to use it as an excuse for his behaviour. However, it is a reality. He goes through bouts of lonliness but doesn't ever talk to me about it. C asked him why and he said "there's nothing she can do about it, it's just the way I am". C said "that might be the case but you have a partner sitting beside you that cares about you and is willing to be by your side to listen to you, why won't you open up and let her do that for you." H sat there, somewhat stunned and just said "that's a good question, I don't know the answer". You know, I think something finally hit a soft spot And, I also know what the answer is, even if H doesn't. He's scared, plain and simple, to be vulnerable for fear of getting hurt and abandoned again (back to the adoption issue).

But for the first time in a long while, I feel as though there is hope. It started a couple of days ago and hasn't faded yet so that is a real good sign that the roller coaster is slowing down. I am not about to take the seat belt off just yet but I also don't think I am going to be sick to my stomach either and THAT is a wonderful feeling

[runningoutoftime]

Wow, that does sound good! I'm glad to see that you are being both positive and realistic. It seems to me like you're in a very healthy place.

I agree with you that it's wise to keep the C going longer. Particularly if you're finding it beneficial. I personally think once a month for the rest of a marriage isn't such a bad idea. That's only 12 times a year!!!! And 12 hours a year of scheduled meetings to dicuss issues and help ensure communication seems very reasonable to me.

[Heywyre]

I think you are right LookingUp but the odds of my H agreeing to seeing a C once a month for the rest of his life is prbably not going to happen. Besides, we don't have an extended health program and this counselling has already cost us a bundle. Don't get me wrong, I think it has been worth every penny but we can't go on indefinitely with it either.

And to some degree, I think its a good idea to be able to put it behind you at some point too. I can't say I won't make an appointment once in a while to air anything I feel I need to but I also need to give me (us) a break from constantly thinking and talking about it too. I am getting to the point where I (like my H) just want to leave it in the past and move forward and I think that's a good thing, wouldn't you say?

When I say "leave it in the past" I don't mean forget about it though. It is something that will always be in my memeory, which I don't think is bad either. If we totally forget about what they have done, we allow ourselves to form the same patterns and let it happen again, which I don't intend to do. This DB is REALLY hard work but it sure will make us both better people

[Heywyre]

Well the weekend went pretty good. We went to a garden show on Saturday (something I wanted to do, don't think H was all that thrilled about it but he humoured me - lol)

Sunday we went out for breakfast with some friends and then spent a couple of hours doing yardwork together. We both commented on how nice it was to be working together again in the yard

I thanked my H later that evening for a really nice weekend and he seemed to appreciate it

Now, my concern ...

A friend of his has invited him to his place next Saturday for "fight night" - a bunch of the guys are getting together to watch a pay--per-view show (kick boxing and stuff) on TV. Normally I wouldn't be concerned at all about this however, his friend is into smoking dope and I am a little tense about the rest of his friends, including my H, going down that path. I know what you will all say "I can't be responsible for what others do" however, right now my H and I are at a very vulnerable point in this relationship. We are testing the waters with boundaries, discussing the same with C (who we don't see for another two weeks - yikes!!) and dealing with anti-depressants, etc. etc. so the thought of him smoking pot freaks me out at this point. Regardless of the fact its illegal, we all know so many people do it. Personally I have no use for it, never have, but my H used to smoke it occasionally when we first got together and off and on throughout our R. Now, I guess the thing I do have going for me is that he drives for a living and they can take random drug tests and if they determined he had it in his system - automatically he would lose his job. However, there are so many jobs around here that it doesn't really bother him

Is there anyway I can approach the subject without sounding like I am trying to control his life? I am just concerned about the drugs he is already taking and the influence this might have on him and us at the stage we are at, which I feel is somewhat sensitive right now

We are doing well but we do have to tread lightly

[COG]

Heywyre,

Is there anyway I can approach the subject without sounding like I am trying to control his life?

Nope! He's a big boy and does'nt need his mommy telling him what to do. Let the man go get wild with the boys and don't worry about him. We men need a little risk, adventure, and kick boxing once in awhile. The only thing you could offer, if anything, is to let him know you want him to go have a good time, and you would not hesitate to come pick him up if he decides to indulge himself.

Personally, I think alchohol is FAR more dangerous than pot. Now I'm not saying it's OK, I'm just saying that maybe you could try to keep things in perspective here. You married a man who's wild at heart. He craves adventure, danger, and excitement. Don't try to tame him, just learn to love the MAN.

God Bless,

COG

[mcojh]

One approach that you could use is to offer him a ride in case he drinks too much and if he declines, that may put the thought in the back of his mind.

[SvenTheRed]

Heywyre,

I'm with COG on this one. Look, if he is mature enough, and driving is his living - he'll behave himself. I've got a good friend that is in the same profession and he doesn't mess around when it comes to that - knowing he could lose his job.

But also, I think a joking "behave yourself" (what my W and I say to each other) or like COG says, wish him a good time with a call me if you need a ride should suffice...

Sven