cac4 would have been accepted to the school easily. cac4 desperately wanted to attend this school, but his parents wouldn't let him, because they thought it wouldn't be good for him to be away from his family! Can you imagine? It would have been the BEST thing they could have done for him.
Can you imagine what CAC4 had to do to survive a family that didn't want the best for him? It seems obvious to me that he HAD to protect himself from his parents because they truly were not interested in his feelings or best interests. The problem is those protective mechanisms were necessary for his self esteem then but those same protective mechanisms distance him from you now. When you try to get him to express his feelings he may have automatic reflexes to protect himself from you. That's why there may be a longer pause when he goes to answer questions from you.
That long pause is difficult for you because of your relationship with your mother where she wasn't there for you and your high anxiety feelings. Within that long pause you are worrying about all the potential negative things he must be thinking. When in reality he is not thinking negatively at all but is worried about exposing his feelings to you. CAC4 can you imagine how alone MRsCAC4 felt with her mother and how she didn't want to feel that aloneness from you, her love and husband?
This is Cobra's point that FOO issues are the 4th issue in addition to the 3 you've already commented about. Although so many of these issues interact along the way also.
My attachment style is secure (Low avoidance and low anxiety) which is probably a big difference between me and CAC4. My family is a HUGE source of comfort for me. I completely trust them and I know they ONLY care about my best interests. I have come to understand that I am extremely fortunate for that relationship even with all the other difficulties in our family. I think the positive gift of being able to rely on my parents outweighs ANY negatives. That doesn't mean I don't have to recognize and WORK on the negatives! I just appreciate the good that they did for me and my brothers.
There is a quote from "Guess WHo's coming to dinner?" that has always summed up how I feel parents should feel about their children.
Because you brought me into this world. And from that day you owed me everything you could ever do for me like I will owe my son if I ever have another. But you don't own me! You can't tell me when or where I'm out of line, or try to get me to live my life according to your rules.
I know my parents feel that way about my brothers and me. It is such a great gift to know that your parents are happy with you as you are.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
