I wish that I had a magic wand to take both of us back in time and right all of these wrongs. Who knew ?
I have been seeing a family counselor. My kids are getting totally out of control. The going between two households is making them act up and out. I don’t have the energy to try and fix it either, truth be told. I mean I spent so much time focused on fixing things with their father that I think I totally mucked it up for all of us. My kids call me cranky and tell me that I do not smile anymore. It is true. I don’t smile. I am having a hard time lately just dealing with it all. The financial problems. The part time parenting and their behavior when they come back from their grandmother’s/father’s house. The responsibility and weight of all of this (childrearing, homestead maintaining, wondering what will happen to me…) resting on me while you know who gets to be the hero… and ride off into the sunset on a motorcycle in a blaze of glory flocked by all sorts of people that just a short time ago he would have never hung out with … I as usual get to be the bad guy. I get to the responsible one and I AM SICK OF IT. I don’t have a better solution but I AM SICK OF IT. Now, for the first time ever, I will not be with my kids on a holiday. No Easter egg hunt, fancy hair dos, or baskets. No special dinner. They will be with their father.
I never saw any of this coming, funny how being self centered in MLC can make you end up, huh? This whole experience has changed me and I am not so sure for the better …
My stomach has been so messed up with thinking about this cs court date that I just cannot function. I never had a nervous stomach before but somehow now . I do not talk to my husband at all. He does not come over at all. I am deeply saddened to think that this has taken a turn like this. I must admit that I cannot see how it will end but I do sense that I am changing. I am tired of this. I want my life back (as most people here do). I am tired of groveling. I am tired of being second best, actually of not even existing. Today, I feel hatred and I know that I should not but, today… I do.
