Actually BI, that was some very good advice. You're absolutely right that H is a big boy and is completely capable of figuring things out on his own...I guess that seeing him not WANT to figure them out makes me feel powerless and brings on the desire to control the sitch as best I can. But the point is and always has been that his issues are all his. And I need to let go and let him be his own person. WISH THAT WERE EASY! But I'm getting there. :P
Ok Aud...I am always keeping myself up to date on your sitch but don't generally give too much advice as my sitch is so screwed up that it wouldn't be a good idea. But here, I am going to feed you some of the advice that you gave me.
Take care of you and the kids. If H really wants to be with you and your family, he will do the right thing. There is no point in pressuring him because it will only backfire in your face. Take care of YOU!!! Let him see you move on with your life. I know this is hard but you have to do this. Because in the end, he may not come back. I am not trying to be a pessimist, but it is reality. You can't sit around and wait for this 1 man to change you life. You have already done that in so many ways. Keep pushing forward, with or without him. If he wants to be there, he will do it.
Don't live your life waiting for him. There are so many good men out there that would love to have a patient, caring, and unconditional lover as you! We are two women made out of the same mold. We love our Hs no matter what they have done but in turn, we put our family first. Keep your head held high knowing that you have done all that you could at this point to save your M. It is up to him to make the next move. But please don't wait around for that move. You never know how long it may take.
Just my opinion, Jen
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
Thanks Jen. It's nice to know that there is someone out there who is very like me. I needed to hear your advice and I appreciate it coming from you. I am so sorry we're both dealing with this, but in many ways, it is very liberating to find this strength inside.
I called to make my first appointment with an attorney today. I'm staying dark and know that this will take some time to play out, but I want to get the process started.
On a side note, it is interesting to see how H is following the same pattern after this weekend that he did after the bomb in July. I can see how important it is for me to step back and take my hands completely off this sitch.
I emailed H last night to say simply we're doing fine and the kids are having fun. He replied later with, "I'm glad the kids are having fun. How are you doing? Are you having fun?" and then about ten minutes later, a text message, "You don't wish to talk? Have a good night."
I know this process is very new to me, and it's not going to be easy, but this really tugs at my heart strings. It's hard for me to hurt him. Wish it were hard for him to hurt me.
Keep it up sweetie. He is going to keep hurting you if he knows that you are sitting around waiting on him. Keep pushing forward. You are doing good. He is going to continue to come and go because he knows that you will be there. Show him that you aren't going to be there. I am sure that you are like me and have been his support for so long. He could, and can, count on you for anything. That needs to stop. Let him try to function on his own without you being there to pick him up each time he falls down.
This is a hard thing for me to do as well but I need to push forward with this D. I can't be hurt over and over again. I need to have a man that loves me and only me. A man that can look at me and I will know that I am the center of his universe. Not a wishy washy man that can't make up his mind.
If you need to move on with your life and not wait around on him, you have support of alot of people.
Take care, Jen
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
As long as he feels he can walk all over you, he will. Boundaries and the LRT are what's called for. Your contact with him should be positive, playful and leaving him wanting more contact.
You and all the DB women are wonderful. Hat's off to real women.
I am still away from home and have had only one phone conversation with H since Saturday morning. I know he understands that I am avoiding contact with him. He did not try to contact me yesterday, but did IM the friend with whom I am staying, asking what I was doing.
In this place away from my sitch I have had the chance to look at my M from a new perspective, and have reached a new understanding of the ways H has manipulated me and the reasons I allowed him to do so. His actions have been so much more deliberate and destructive than I ever thought, and I feel strong with this knowledge. I no longer feel an obligation to bow to his pressure. Granted, it has been easy to feel this way in the absence of contact with him.
Though I am experiencing some ups and downs, I feel free and at peace, and have been thinking about things I want to do with my life. The possibilities are exciting. Just have to figure out how to fit them in!
Aud, Jumping tracks again to see how you are doing...You seem very much at peace with your sitch and that brings a smile to me. I know it is anything but great but with the future seeming more fruitful that is good. I am glad the space is bringing you contentment and it's funny how they try to get "tidbits" from outside parties. Cant let the other know you are checking up on them I suppose.. I hope that all works out for you and your kids...hang tough...peace
Aud, You do not need to e-mail him to tell him that the kids are doing alright. Stop. If he wanted to know he would have contacted you. Stay dark and do not initiate any conversation. If he calls of TM's you can either answer it or not you choice. However, if you answer keep it short and sweer. Now it is his job to come back to you. You have tried to be there and he keeps abusing the trust and care that you have been trying to provide. Do not let him continue to do this.
On another note. You definitely need to talk to a L and find out your options. Find the best one in twon and talk to them. Worst thing that happens out of it is that your H will not be able to use that ATTY if he decides to file later down the line (not saying that is going to happen by the way).
Either way stay strong and we are all pulling for you, O
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
Actually, I have been all-dark since that email. H has been stepping up his pursuit, and I answered one of his calls yesterday...got sucked into a conversation, but was able to deflect all the ways he tried to throw everything back at me.
He admitted to being a compulsive liar, said he'll never be able to do enough to make me happy, said he missed me and the kids like crazy, that he should just blow his brains out. Then sent me a 'goodbye' text message. I sent his mother over to talk to him and she reported that he acted as if nothing was wrong.
I stuck to my guns: counselor or attorney--his choice.
Back to being dark--it will get a little more complicated when I return home tomorrow. I have appointments with both C and A on Monday.
Things are shaking loose. Just wish it weren't such a bumpy ride.
