Well, I woke up at 2:30 and couldn't get back to sleep. Debated on whether I should just get up and start working or not - tossed and turned until 4am and decided to take some more sleeping pills - I've just got to get caught up on some rest to be able to cope better.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I went on-line and printed some phone numbers for some moving companies and plan on calling them today to get some quotes and availability. I just need to get out of that office... and I just need to do it as quickly as I can.
I am also going to take Virginia's advice of just doing it and not telling H about it. I think that will truly show more initiative and power on my part. I also thought more about what to say when he does ask me about it. I think rather than using the words that I need to "separate" the M from the business I will just say that I need some space to concentrate on some projects I'm working on and that it's getting uncomfortable for me to be in the office, that the move back home will give us both some space and reduce some stress. That way I'm not really even addressing anything about a separation of lines between the R and the business at all, so I don't have to worry about him thinking that I'm working towards that (letting him stay with OW and keep me for business). Also saying it the way I just mentioned might more give him the impression that I'm moving on and that he really needs to think about the decisions that he is making, since I'm telling him that it's "getting uncomfortable." That sort of leaves some "mystery" to it and would hopefully make him realize that he better think long and hard about what he is doing and that I'm getting stronger and stronger... As you've mentioned, I possibly don't have much time if we make any decisions about us after our current projects are done at the end of May or so. He needs to have a taste of what it will be like to not have me around both personally AND in the business. There's a lot at stake here, and he needs to make sure this is what he wants. Don't get me wrong, ultimately I just want him to be happy, and he wants the same for me. So the decision truly needs to be up to him to want to work on our M and see if we can be happy together. These current changes on my part will hopefully just let him maybe feel what it might feel like to lose me altogether and might also make him feel like that *I* may be the one to end this, give him more of a sense of a timeline, that he can't just take his time and just ignore this and hope it will go away.
It's not wrong to think of it that way, is it? I don't want to feel like I'm dragging him away from someone who is making him happy, especially if he would just be doing it for the business. But I guess he's been so strong-willed up until now and walked over me so much that if he truly wants to stay with her, regardless of my actions he probably will, right?
And I also don't want to feel like I'm being "manipulative" with the business. I don't want him to come back to me just for the business...
Tell me what you guys think about all of this, especially about why I tell him I'm moving my office. I want to do the move this week sometime. I think I'm probably going to pack late one night there when he's not at the office and then have some movers come the next morning and move everything for me in one swoop, and I'm hoping they can also put the stuff in my house, too. It would be nice to leave all of the filing cabinets intact and just move them where I want them at home... The only problem is that H usually goes to the office first thing in the morning (around 6am or so) for about an hour before going to the job site. It would be best if he just comes to the office and finds everything gone rather than being there when the movers come I think.
I'm not being mean by not talking to him about this before just moving, am I? I know DBing isn't about being unkind. And, yes, I know he did the same thing to me of purposely coming home when I wasn't home when we came back from our first trip and he was going through his "crisis" before he left again. I just came home one day, expecting him to still be staying there, and his stuff was gone again - no note, no call, no nothing. I can't tell you how much that hurt me.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know he's done some very horrible and insensitive (even downright cruel) things to me, but I don't want to be "mean" back, if that makes sense??? I truly want to make sure that you guys think this is a move of empowerment and "moving on with my life" act rather than an act of hurtfulness...
Let me know your thoughts. Am going to try to get some more sleep now... Thanks, guys.
