Hi Everyone Been M for 23yrs to a very speical lady. ON Jan 22 she dropped the bomb in my lap. My situation is a little different because I work overseas and have for 11 yrs to provide my family with a great life. The D could be final in about 3 weeks because the W and I have agreed on most of our D issues. I know everyone going to ask why I'm still overseas and if I want to save my M go home, well I dont have anywhere to stay and dont have any money so I have no choice but to make it until end of 2007. Within the last two weeks I have felt a change in my W, because at first there was no contact and how she been calling every 2 days and we talk as if she never ask for a D and on the days she doesnt call she will email me on things she done since we last talked on the phone. She done this same thing back in 2001 but we worked it out. I still have hope and dont want to give up that little hope I still have stored in my heart. And the reason I still have that little hope is because of the little things she says when we talk on the phone. On Friday we were talking about my next vacation in April and when I told her I would be staying in a hotel while home she said she wanted me to stay at the house with her and the kids. She doesnt want me to move my stuff out of our home, she wants to keep the mortgage in our names and she asked for $1500 to help pay the bills while I'm overseas but she said when I come home at the end of 2007 I dont have to pay the extra $1500. Some of my friends say I'm a fool for thinking this but has anyone heard of a planned D. My oldest D tells me there has been a OM and when I asked the W about the OM she said that they are friends that there has been no PA. I think there was (is) a PA and she knows this would kill me if she told me the truth and thats why she want the D. Couple weeks ago while on the phone she told me that after the D is final that she wasnt ruling out we would be back together but for me not to wait on her. There is alot more to my situation but what do you think is going on from what I have said so far.
Work forced separations suck, don't they? So you've been overseas for 11 years but would you give it up to keep your family? Just a question I've had to ask myself since I spent 3 years away from home and am looking at split living to survive.
You are in a tough situation. The problem with all the "nice" talk from someone who has asked for divorce is that they have this picture of "we'll still be best friends" and a rosy picture of the future where you do most things together. I think that's pretty naive.
Hopefully some of the experts will chime in but there's a great difficulty in DB'ing while separated by such a great distance. You need to look inside yourself. What can you change for the better? What do YOU want for the future? How do you make yourself more attractive to your spouse? I'll give you a big hint about a big positive: MOVE HOME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!
That doesn't mean I'm suggesting you become a wimp and beg and plead for the "love of your life" to wait for you. Be cool about it but try to get back home. That's my 2 cents, and your mileage may vary but I noticed that separation does make the heart grow fonder....usually for the person who pays alot of attention to one while the partner is asbent!
Hope things turn out well. Describe yourself, your hobbies and what you see as things you can do to improve yourself. That's always a good start.
Thanks OTB Yes it does suck to know I have been giving her my whole check for 11 yrs and then end up with nothing. I know I should go home but then I think what do I have to go home too. Yes I have my children and they will need my support, but then I think if I finish out the year here in Iraq and put away me some money to start a new life so when I do complete my job here I can get me apartment. Do you think I should have a good talk with her about what I think needs to happen to stop the D and to let her know I dont want this D to happen. She says she knows that I Love her and thanks me for what I have given her and the kids over the last 11yrs.
update havent talked with STBXW for over 8 days, she did send me a email asking why I dont call her and sent me a birthday message by email yesterday. The D could be final in about 3 weeks, but my lawyer asked my W for some information 10 days ago but she hasnt gotten him the information yet. I dont know if she is starting to delay or what, should I call her and ask what up with getting the L the information or should I just let her delay if thats what she is doing. Like I said I havent talk with her on the phone but she does still email me every day. I have made my self some goals and have started working on the goals I made. I have been going to the gym every night and have lost 35lbs in three months and it sure does feel great and makes me happy.
I would not be asking her to get the stuff to the L. If she wants to delay it then let her delay it. Unless you want this D, in that case yep push her along.
******************************* Both: 33 Together 13y; Married 8y Kids: DD8 and DS5 Separated: 08/31/06 D Filed: 2/21/07
I agree with neli. Don't push the D if you don't want it (but don't try to block it either). This will be the strongest statement that you don't want the D (and more impressive than any words). I do think you need to seriously consider making concrete plans to "come home" and then conveying them to your W. Filing for D is not the end (and it doesn't always mean the D is inevitable) so I think it might be too soon to give up and think coming back is of no value.
There are some positive signs so I think you still have something to work for/with. It's late enough that I don't have time for full comment now. I'll try to respond with more detail in a couple days.
My question is do you want her??? If the answer is yes,,then get your a$$ back there,,pretend that its' a family members' death,,it kinda is, its' the death of your marriage!!
Maybe if she sees you came back, risking your job, to stop this divorce she might, just might be willing to save it??! I think that would be the "total 180" for you (reading your sitch)!
M44H44 M18 T22 Sep7yrs-3/10 S23,22,15,11 10/07I file 2/08D postponed by H 2/09D on 3/09H moves in 8/09I kick H out 9/09H-PA 10/09-2/10mediate 3/10OW discoved 5/10H&OW engaged 7/10DDay w/atty
I know, I know it could be better, right??! Hang in there and be tough not wishy washy, kay?!
Kim
M44H44 M18 T22 Sep7yrs-3/10 S23,22,15,11 10/07I file 2/08D postponed by H 2/09D on 3/09H moves in 8/09I kick H out 9/09H-PA 10/09-2/10mediate 3/10OW discoved 5/10H&OW engaged 7/10DDay w/atty
Guess I spoke up to soon because on Monday my L sent us both emails asking us to review the final D decree and then she cc both me and L saying she agreed to the final D decree. And in her email she sent the L the information he was asking for, looks like she still want the D. I have not talked with W on the phone in over 10days, we do talk by emails everyday and there is no talk about our M. there are some days I feel alot of hate towards her because of what she is doing. But then there are some days I tell myself to just let her go see if it's greener on the other side of the fence and the reason I feel this is because once she sees it's not all that great on the other side of the fence, she may want to come back and if there is ever a chance we get back together she will not have that in the back of her mind. What's the old saying on DB "if you love someone let them go because you cant make them stay" the hate I have is because after busting my butt for 11 long years to provide her with a very nice house and nice car and not having to worry about money she is throwing it all away. I know you cant buy love and I known I've done some things wrong in our 23yr M. So I have made some goals to help me to be a better man and get my life back the way I want it to be and this will show her some changes that she will like very much. In the early stages of this D talk my W has told me many times that she isnt ruling out we will someday be back together. I truly feel I need to let her go on this journey to get it out of her system because her thoughts of it being greener on the other side of the fence has been on her mind for 7 yrs. Yes I maybe taking a big chance of letting her go on this journey but I wouldnt want her to stay and it come up later down the road. I love my W very much and yes it will hurt if she does get involved with someone else but deep down in my heart I feel that she will be back one day and we can make this a better R. sorry for being so long
