It's funny that you said that, Virginia. Since he was nowhere to be found today, I thought it would be great if I packed up my office and he would come back to our office with all of my stuff gone - then HE can see what it feels like (don't know if he would even care). However, I was so extremely tired and emotional today and I just didn't have the energy to do it. I know he obviously isn't there late at nights, so maybe I can do it late at night one day this week and just sleep in the next day...
Then, when he obviously does ask about it, I can give him the Jody speech. But, even so, I DO NOT want him to think that I'm working on ways to separate myself from the M so that he can get exactly what he wants, me as his business partner and her in a R. I don't want to give him the wrong impression....
I know all of my thoughts and "freakshows" today are just part of this process and that it will get better with time. I do practice thought-stopping already with the stop sign technique. I will work harder on incorporating that more during my hard times.
Do you honestly think that moving my office back home will bring him closer to me?
Virginia, I AM going to follow through with what I said I was going to do. I am going to move my office home. I know that to be strong right now and continue what I've started is critical, both to my mental stability and to let him wonder a little bit... It is counterintuitive, and my heart is breaking in a million pieces, but it's what I have to do. I do know this. Just having a bad day... and I'm tired.
I'm have a counseling session tomorrow with the local therapist. I feel like I'm not going to keep seeing her. Jody is helping me so much more right now. The local therapist just doesn't seem to be as encouraging and supportive. I just don't feel right when I leave there, whereas Jody inspires me. Tomorrow is my last "test" run with her. And it's not because she's not telling me what I want to hear - it's just that I don't think we're on the same page. She wants to talk about family stuff now to find out the roots of my problems, and I just don't want to go there. I've told her that, so she tries to just talk about it briefly, but I've got enough to deal with - I don't care why I'm the way I am; I just want to know how to move forward and get better.
Am almost positive I'll run into H tomorrow but not sure where/how. I was hoping to go to the job site really early before he gets there to do a few things and be able to be gone when he arrives. I'm going to set my alarm but am so tired that we'll see. Otherwise, I'll maybe wait until he leaves tomorrow night to get done what I need to do. We'll see. I do know that I've got to get caught up on some rest in order to conquer this week....
