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Back home now - drugs are kicking in, but I still need some encouragement...

Quick question: I was thinking tonight more about telling H that I'm going to move my office back home, and a thought crossed my mind I want your opinons on:
Since H at this point has told me he wants to stay with OW, finish this project we're working on (should be done by end of May or so), and see where we're at then, see if any "spark" ignites that we're able to work from, I'm worried that if I tell him what Jody said "This is getting uncomfortable having overlapping relationships, the business and the M, and I need to put some separation between the two," etc., that H might interpret that to mean that I'm going to be okay with continuing the business if we don't stay together. I DON'T want to give him that impression. Should I add something when I talk to him about "I understand how this could be interpreted that I'm working on separating myself from this M so that we can do the business together, but that is not the case." - I don't know, something like that? I just don't want him to think "Wow, she's going home away from me so that she can focus on just doing the business with me - great!"

Thoughts?

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First of all - stop imagining anything to do with him and OW.

1. It is all make believe. You have no idea what he's doing with her, how much he is doing with her or where he is doing her. The bottom line is he might not be doing anything with her. You don't know. You are never likely to know. Assuming that they are spending lovely time together and being romantic etc etc does nothing except send you round the twist.

There are some good thought stopping techniques you can use. Google 'thought stopping' or ask Jody or your IC about strategies you can use. Wearing a rubber band around your wrist and flicking it every time you think of him or "them" is a good way to start - the element of self mutilation (!) serves to remind how much you are hurting yourself by making up these scenarios in your imagination.

Just decide today that you don't 'do' jealousy. Not now, not ever. Repeat after me "I don't DO jealousy"

2. Right now (and realistically, in most healthy adult relationships), what he does with his time is not really any of your business. A harsh lesson to learn. His life, his decisions. Like them or lump them - but you're not his mother. You can't expect to be able to control, and right now even influence, how he spends his time.

Quote:
I'm worried that if I tell him what Jody said "This is getting uncomfortable having overlapping relationships, the business and the M, and I need to put some separation between the two," etc., that H might interpret that to mean that I'm going to be okay with continuing the business if we don't stay together.


That's the whole point. You do want him to think you are OK. Tam, he knows that you don't want your marriage to end. YOu absolutely do not need to make that any clearer. The objective of setting up these boundaries for yourself is to help him to understand that you will be OK on your own, you are not going to fall in a heap - and he doesn't have to keep moving away from you. He can move towards you. Remember the hand in the air analogy.

You don't have to be scared. I know that it seems scary and it's even counterintuitive, but you need to trust the process right now. Go with it. Don't give yourself excuses to back down on the decisions you've made. You donh't have to, you are strong enough to do this.


V

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Why do you even have to tell him you are changing offices? Why not just do it and wait until he asks you what's going on?

Make sure you are not setting yourself up to have a conversation with him that you don't need to have, just so you get a "fix" of him. You know what I mean?

You H has been making a lot of decisions about his life without consultation - why not give him a little of his own medicine? Keep him wondering?


V

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As always, you're so right, Virginia - thank you.

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That's the whole point. You do want him to think you are OK.


No, I DON'T want him to think I'm okay with continuing the business if we don't stay together. I DO want to let him see that I'm going to get on with my life and be strong, but I'm scared that he is going to think that I'm okay with letting him continue R with OW and that I'm just going to let that continue and am working on finding a way to stay in business with him without our R in tact? Does that make sense?

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It's funny that you said that, Virginia. Since he was nowhere to be found today, I thought it would be great if I packed up my office and he would come back to our office with all of my stuff gone - then HE can see what it feels like (don't know if he would even care). However, I was so extremely tired and emotional today and I just didn't have the energy to do it. I know he obviously isn't there late at nights, so maybe I can do it late at night one day this week and just sleep in the next day...

Then, when he obviously does ask about it, I can give him the Jody speech. But, even so, I DO NOT want him to think that I'm working on ways to separate myself from the M so that he can get exactly what he wants, me as his business partner and her in a R. I don't want to give him the wrong impression....

I know all of my thoughts and "freakshows" today are just part of this process and that it will get better with time. I do practice thought-stopping already with the stop sign technique. I will work harder on incorporating that more during my hard times.

Do you honestly think that moving my office back home will bring him closer to me?

Virginia, I AM going to follow through with what I said I was going to do. I am going to move my office home. I know that to be strong right now and continue what I've started is critical, both to my mental stability and to let him wonder a little bit... It is counterintuitive, and my heart is breaking in a million pieces, but it's what I have to do. I do know this. Just having a bad day... and I'm tired.

I'm have a counseling session tomorrow with the local therapist. I feel like I'm not going to keep seeing her. Jody is helping me so much more right now. The local therapist just doesn't seem to be as encouraging and supportive. I just don't feel right when I leave there, whereas Jody inspires me. Tomorrow is my last "test" run with her. And it's not because she's not telling me what I want to hear - it's just that I don't think we're on the same page. She wants to talk about family stuff now to find out the roots of my problems, and I just don't want to go there. I've told her that, so she tries to just talk about it briefly, but I've got enough to deal with - I don't care why I'm the way I am; I just want to know how to move forward and get better.

Am almost positive I'll run into H tomorrow but not sure where/how. I was hoping to go to the job site really early before he gets there to do a few things and be able to be gone when he arrives. I'm going to set my alarm but am so tired that we'll see. Otherwise, I'll maybe wait until he leaves tomorrow night to get done what I need to do. We'll see. I do know that I've got to get caught up on some rest in order to conquer this week....

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Good morning --

Well, I woke up at 2:30 and couldn't get back to sleep. Debated on whether I should just get up and start working or not - tossed and turned until 4am and decided to take some more sleeping pills - I've just got to get caught up on some rest to be able to cope better.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I went on-line and printed some phone numbers for some moving companies and plan on calling them today to get some quotes and availability. I just need to get out of that office... and I just need to do it as quickly as I can.

I am also going to take Virginia's advice of just doing it and not telling H about it. I think that will truly show more initiative and power on my part. I also thought more about what to say when he does ask me about it. I think rather than using the words that I need to "separate" the M from the business I will just say that I need some space to concentrate on some projects I'm working on and that it's getting uncomfortable for me to be in the office, that the move back home will give us both some space and reduce some stress. That way I'm not really even addressing anything about a separation of lines between the R and the business at all, so I don't have to worry about him thinking that I'm working towards that (letting him stay with OW and keep me for business). Also saying it the way I just mentioned might more give him the impression that I'm moving on and that he really needs to think about the decisions that he is making, since I'm telling him that it's "getting uncomfortable." That sort of leaves some "mystery" to it and would hopefully make him realize that he better think long and hard about what he is doing and that I'm getting stronger and stronger... As you've mentioned, I possibly don't have much time if we make any decisions about us after our current projects are done at the end of May or so. He needs to have a taste of what it will be like to not have me around both personally AND in the business. There's a lot at stake here, and he needs to make sure this is what he wants. Don't get me wrong, ultimately I just want him to be happy, and he wants the same for me. So the decision truly needs to be up to him to want to work on our M and see if we can be happy together. These current changes on my part will hopefully just let him maybe feel what it might feel like to lose me altogether and might also make him feel like that *I* may be the one to end this, give him more of a sense of a timeline, that he can't just take his time and just ignore this and hope it will go away.

It's not wrong to think of it that way, is it? I don't want to feel like I'm dragging him away from someone who is making him happy, especially if he would just be doing it for the business. But I guess he's been so strong-willed up until now and walked over me so much that if he truly wants to stay with her, regardless of my actions he probably will, right?

And I also don't want to feel like I'm being "manipulative" with the business. I don't want him to come back to me just for the business...

Tell me what you guys think about all of this, especially about why I tell him I'm moving my office. I want to do the move this week sometime. I think I'm probably going to pack late one night there when he's not at the office and then have some movers come the next morning and move everything for me in one swoop, and I'm hoping they can also put the stuff in my house, too. It would be nice to leave all of the filing cabinets intact and just move them where I want them at home... The only problem is that H usually goes to the office first thing in the morning (around 6am or so) for about an hour before going to the job site. It would be best if he just comes to the office and finds everything gone rather than being there when the movers come I think.

I'm not being mean by not talking to him about this before just moving, am I? I know DBing isn't about being unkind. And, yes, I know he did the same thing to me of purposely coming home when I wasn't home when we came back from our first trip and he was going through his "crisis" before he left again. I just came home one day, expecting him to still be staying there, and his stuff was gone again - no note, no call, no nothing. I can't tell you how much that hurt me.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know he's done some very horrible and insensitive (even downright cruel) things to me, but I don't want to be "mean" back, if that makes sense??? I truly want to make sure that you guys think this is a move of empowerment and "moving on with my life" act rather than an act of hurtfulness...

Let me know your thoughts. Am going to try to get some more sleep now... Thanks, guys.

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Hi 1210

Hang in there today. I think you are on the right track moving your office. It will make it easier to get your work done.

I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you and that you are doing great. Keep your head up and just keep moving a head for what is best for you.

Good Luck today and have a Fantastic day and it will only get better and will improve.
Hang in there

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2940

I am with Virginia 100%. I would not tell him anything. Just move. You do not have to justify anything to him. He did not tell you he was planning on seeking out a OW. He did not justify the OW to you either.

You have to become self absorbed. Think about you put you first. Do not worry about him and do not think about that OW. Don't worry about being "mean." Is he being "nice" to you? No. When you talk to him just be apathetic with a slight smile. Make him wonder what your thinking about.

Don't try to predict what he is going to think about you moving into your home office. Who cares. Your not doing this for him, you are doing it for your own sanity. It means nothing at this point. You still have till May to finish that project. Who knows, maybe with detaching you may not mind staying in business with him once May rolls around. I know you do not want her to share the fruits of the labor. However, she probably has her own job and her own fruits of labor. You need to think about the partnership and how it benefits you. If it benefits you economically to stay in the partnership then go for it. If it benefits you for job related stress and designation of responsibilities then go for it. You do not have to make these decisions today anyway. YOu still have time. Everything is still so fresh. See how it works out with the home office.

If he asks why you moved maybe just say "I can still get everything done from here so don't worry about it." Give a wink and walk away cause your too busy for anymore small talk.

((((((((((2940)))))))))))

Your doing great, keep it up!

Last edited by HeartScared; 04/02/07 03:29 PM.
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Hello,

First, regarding the move to your houese - YES. If he is out of sight more that gives you more freedom from wanting to control him or his side of things. You do need more space and I do not think that will push him closer to OW.

When I pushed my H to get into an apt there was a HUGE fear that it would all backfire and he would choose to ultimately end it with me. He even said he thought it would get better (with her) once he was on his own. It didn't though - it only got worse. We cannot control their feelings and actions - we can only work on us.

You also asked about the pain and sadness and how I dealt with it. My tag name is HEARTBROKEN because that is truly what I felt - physically and emotionally at the beginning of this. I think he even broke my heart several times since last August. The last time was in Feb when he brought her into our home - it was like something snapped. I said he had to get out, I was going for full custody of the kids but that I STILL WOULD NOT FILE for 4 to 6 mos. I told him to go play bachelor and be with her and see what their R was really about - I truly felt it was doomed to fail from the start. I was her friend for over 5 yrs - I knew her better than he did. She played me as well as him she is not a good person.

The pain was so intense that in the very beginning I had wished I had cancer vs him wanting out. I felt I could deal with cancer better than a broken marriage. Now when I re-read this I am amazed at how pathetic I was. \:\(

It will get easier - but it takes time. I did not start getting over the pain until I really started to detach from him. Go and read others ideas on detachment on these boards and here is a good website to see:

http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm

I printed off the stuff on detachment and made copies for home, car and work and re-read it all EVERY time I felt that wave of sadness coming. And believe me there were tims I had to literally run to the ladies room to cry in a stall. I know the pain you are in but you have to go through it to actually get better ( what I think anyways....) \:\(

I hope this helps you!

Again you say you are impatient - but this is what you need to work on first. You cannot turn this around as fast as you would like - none of us can. My sitch has been going on for over 9 mos. and we still are not through it all. And I think we have been moving VERY fast this last 5 weeks...

I was out on these boards just reading from Sept through Feb. and did not post until I was desperate for help (early Feb). You got out here a lot sooner into this process and you have to remember it's going to take time.

I have three really good GF's that I talked/talk to EVERY day - got a ton of opinions from them, read over 70 books and scoured the web for ideas. Sometimes I had/have too much info - I just take what fits and what works for me... I am still reading three books at the same time right now. One on boundaries, one on reconcilling and the 5 Love Languages. I never stop reading...I like to research stuff to death!!!!

Just remember BABY STEPS!!!! \:\) ;\)


Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10
8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth
2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home
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Hey, guys --

Thanks so much for your advice. Don't have much time right now but wanted to write and let you know that I researched moving companies today and know who I'm going to choose when I'm ready to move.

Am having another tearful day today. Went to the therapist this morning and was telling her about all that I have been working on. I felt okay afterwards. But then I got up to the job site. H was not there, and I was not going to stop if he was there. I got a few things done at the job site, and that is where I got sad and started crying again...

I'm feeling hopeless again... I don't feel like I can take this pain anymore. I have so much work to do and just don't care. I'm tired of crying and hurting all the time...

Please give me more encouragement, guys. I don't know where all of this pain is coming from all of a sudden. I wasn't doing this poorly before. Something has "snapped" in me. I'm scared... I just want to be happy again. I know I need to GAL and that that will help a lot, but I'm having a hard time pushing myself to do that. I don't feel like being around anyone right now...

HELP!

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