My wife was gone most of the day because she drove 4+ hours to get our puppy. It is cute and seems to have a good temperment. I still do not know if adding a puppy into the mix was the smarts thing to do, I guess we will see.
I brought the girls to church this morning and for the first time my oldest did not want to go down to her class but wanted to go to big church with daddy. I was of course cool with this, but, the hard thing to watch is how clingy she is through this whole sitch. Here are some examples in the last 24 hrs. Last night while trying to leave my neighbors house my oldest hugged my neighbor and wouldn't let her go.. I had to turn away otherwise I would have started crying. As much as my wife is trying to be there for the girls she is not. She hasn't been a bad mom, she just has not been herself and has not been able to love them the way that she has. Then today at church my kids did the same thing with my MIL. She commemented on how clingy that my kids were acting. It is true... this is how they have been throughout this whole sitch. It kills me to see the girls being effected like this.
Well my W and I had another conversation this evening. I should actually mention that this conversation was preceeeded by a conversation that my wife had with her sister. I have actually purposely NOT talked to my SIL's about what is going on, so I had no idea what she was going to say to my W. Well I guess that she came down hard on my wife and told her everything that she has been observing and told my wife that she was acting just like another dark time in my wifes life that she thought she had conquered. So from my W conversation with her sister she was in tears (this is the first sign of emotion that I have seen from my wife in a couple of weeks). Well I gave her some space for a little while. I put my oldest to bed and when I was done my wife was still visibly upset(which hurts me because I do not like seeing her sad...I am messed up I know) so I asked her if she wanted to talk. She did not really say anything but she was still crying, so I asked her what the conversation with her sister was all about. One of the comments that my W made was that she should have kept her mouth shut (I assume about the EA) and that she should have went along playing the game(translated: keep faking that everything in life is hunky dory). She then told me that her sister came down on her about the kids and that she was acting like she did 12 years ago(this is before me). She asked me what I thought for which I did not get defensive I really tried to respect how she is feeling. I told her what I have seen in our girls behaviour and basically that I am hoping and praying to hear her say that she wants to fight for our M. I told her that I am not looking for a promise that everything is going to be alright, I just want to know that she really wants to fight for our M.
She asked if it was ok.....yeah she still asks me if things are ok for her to do, I guess she knows I will say ok.... to go out for a little bit. So she left to go jounal and processes all that has happened in the last few days. She is also hoping that one of our friends can meet up with her after she gets off work.. She appologized again for getting me into this mess and said she is sorry that she feels like she has fought for our marriage and doesn't know if she can keep trying to fight. She was still upset so I aksed her if it was ok to give her a hug, which I did and kissed her forehead. So here I am now pounding away at the keyboard hoping that my wife will one day choose to fight for our marraige and everything that we have built together.
I should also mention that I briefly talked to our friend that went with my wife to pickup the puppy. I asked her if she thought we had any hope? She said that she likes to think that we do, but, that my W is not herself. She asked me who was the alien who took your W. I ask myself the same question....
Lets recap: Clingy kids, got puppy, wife gets yelled at by her dad and sister within 24 hrs. I spent most of the day with the IL's which was nice. And My wife and I talked tonight. I was basically told that she hasn't loved me for years and that she has been fooling herself into thinking everything was ok. Now that a passion has been stirred up inside of her she cannot ignore it and if she did she would die emotionally(this is my interpratation).
So my wife has never really loved me and she doesn't think our M is worth fighting for...man that sucks for me(and the kids).
