Am waiting for an appointment to show up so must make this brief but just need some encouragement, please! Am still in and out of tears all day today. For some reason, I keep feeling a huge sense of guilt for what I did to contribute to all of this and don't know what I will do if this doesn't work out - don't feel like I'll be able to forgive myself... I know it was his poor CHOICE to have an affair and not work on things on us, but I just feel so bad for what I did...
Also, keep thinking about them and them spending time together - oops appointment just showed up... hold on...
Okay - appointment done. So, keep thinking about them and the time they spend together and what they do and how he talks to her, etc., etc., and missing how he used to talk to me and how our lives used to be - it certainly wasn't perfect, but we had good times. And now I don't even enjoy doing the business with him anymore and feel a sense of loss for if I have to give up working with him, too. Then I go back to thinking about them being together today and him taking his suitcase up there and him taking nicer clothes up there (he originally just had taken work clothes), so wondering if they are going out to nice places... Don't know if I told you the other night when I found the receipt for the liquor and single rose that I freaked out and started digging through his garbage can looking for other receipts. There was one in there from Costco where he had purchased beer and a bunch of seafood on a Saturday night, so I think - what if he's having/going to get-togethers with her and being around her social circle? If he is, do they know that he's married? HOW CAN HE DO THIS and not feel anything? Has he grown that much apart from me?
Then I had an epiphany today... I thought THIS is what he maybe felt like when *I* was gone??? - wondering where I was at and what I was doing. I know he kept busy and probably didn't think about it that much and that he has her to go home to and so maybe it doesn't even bother him...
Then I saw a note that he had written to the residents at our job site about a temporary closure of one of the facilities. He handwrote it and signed in "H and W," and I just burst into tears. How can he even write our names together knowing where we are at and what he's doing? Just seeing him write our names together tore me up...
Then I think about having sex (not ML) at his parents' house. 1210 said it was just because a guy is not going to refuse sex and also that he probably didn't want to deal with hurting me, etc., which is probably true, but how can he do that? have sex with me and then go back to her the very next night? Does he feel ANYTHING for me anymore?
HELP! I don't know why all of these thoughts are bothering me so much today? Is this normal? Where is this all coming from? I'm having that feeling of being just "done" with this again. Don't worry, I'm not going to freak out and go ballistic on him and backslide - going to keep up the DBing I've been working so hard on. Just need to vent.
The pain is just so much worse this time than when he left the first time, I guess partly because I was in denial and mostly because he promised he was going to give us another chance, that he just didn't know when... Then I keep blaming myself for messing that up and hating him for not putting his heart into it and not telling her he was going to give us another chance. I waited for 3 months on the premise that we were going to somehow try to make this work only to find out he didn't even tell her that was his plan and I don't even think told her he was with me...
Why am I reliving all of these things? What is happening to me? I just don't know how to keep going on like this... Feel like I'm going crazy... Am hurting so much. Even on my hard days while I was away, I felt so strong and empowered. Now that I'm hope, I'm a mess... Why? Is it the pain of being where he is again, of knowing he's probably with her, of not knowing if I can save this M?
Is it good that he at least hasn't moved completely out of our house? Or is it like he has since he's basically taken everything he needs to "get by"? I'm so scared... I think I've had to take Xanax three times today. Just can't stop crying... Where is this coming from? Help, guys!!!!!
I'm hoping I'm just exhausted and that getting a good night's sleep will help...
Please help lift me up again, guys. This is so much harder this time around, and I'm so scared... I just want the hurt to end...
