Sweetie, first of all, I think your h is more confused than devious. I think he is afraid of losing his family...but is weak about losing something else.
But does it really matter what STAGE he is in? Those stages were simply guidelines...sort of like the list of things ALL MLCers seem to say (ya know, from the booklet on what to say as you leave your spouse.) They came from one person's idea of what happened in her sitch and certainly that can help us see some similarities and perhaps some ways to handle them. But your husband hasn't read THAT book.
He is lost and unable to get his act together. And some things you do might help him and some might hurt, but you can only try and watch and see what you think is happening and helping or hurting.
There are some who will say that it is up to him...sit back and eat popcorn. But when it is your life and your family on the line, I say to reread Michele's books. She says take action to save your family. Certainly change you BUT change you to bring about a change in the marriage dynamic.
I don't recall a place where Michele says...let them go do their thing and wait patiently by the curb.
But then, that is just my opinion...
Lots of hugs, gd
JJ
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