Cobra said on another thread: I asked if Cobra would endorse if he had a sister. Cobra's reply; Date you? Maybe. Get serious or marry? No way. I wouldn’t want your interactions with my imaginary sister to turn her into another BB. And unless you could be more assertive, more steadfast and assured, I would have a hard time respecting you. I already have one brother in law who is controlled by his W (my W’s sister) and I have very little respect for him. I didn’t like it at first, but I asked, so I can take what you said.
The part that I disagree with to a point is, would I really have that much power, that I would turn your imaginary sister into another BB? I see my part, but the OP has a role too.
You can go a lot further than you do in being more forceful without being destructive. True.
Why you went on a house hunting trip when you have no intention of buying a house is beyond me. That is placating. several reasons Cobra.
1. I knew what BB talks about wanting isn’t always reality. She wanted a condo with a quarter acre for the dogs. No such thing here. Every condo I saw has a postage size lawn. 2. She wants a patio home, same set up. No such thing here. 3. She wants an individual house with a big yard but no close neighbors. Only partially doable.
I could have said NO, No, NO, all day long and not looked. Once looking, BB sees what she wants in her head, isn’t available or only available with lots of work and then she still has to give up something.
And then maybe I am like cac4. If I am that hard to live with, I am calling her bluff. Maybe I wanted to get rid of her. Maybe I was tired of BB’s “I want” and was paying her to leave. Maybe I felt looking was one way of saying "you are on your own baby." Co-operative R are much better than conflictive R's.
I knew if I didn’t do something to pacify BB, help her along on “her journey” I might be stuck with something I didn’t like if I ever had help her out of a jam, like selling something she bought. I think 39 years of M deserves some obligation on my part.
Am example was a month ago she was excited about buying a patio-home similar to what a friend has. Nice house but the yard is about 16’X36’, not something suitable for 3 dogs. If she bought it, she would be wanting to move in a few months. If i said she couldn't have it, she would have kept wanting it.
On that deal, I said to offer the owner 15K less than he was asking, and said up front I wasn’t moving. a month later, BB said I was right not to like the house.
metaphor? So, sometimes talking a kid out of being a doctor because you know as a parent, the kid will be in deep sh!t, sometimes you have to say yes. Sign up the kid for anatomy and physiology, (A&P) chemistry, and working with cadavers so they get a taste of reality.
That might be a drastic explanation, but looking, was me signing BB up for A&P with out me being there to help her do the course work.
BTW, The theoretical kid that wanted to be a doctor has the stuff to be a good nurse so that is what I encouraged.
Who says you would break bones? Why do you assume this? Are you afraid of your anger too? Look at Hairdog. It’s more a fear of making things worse. I had some anger at one time because I used to let things get really bad before I did much. It was hold in till things explode, left over foo MO’s.
At one time (foo) it wasn’t safe even to have an opinion. I got past that most of that when I had a good job. The back, work, and R problems brought back some foo issues. That is how things go sometime.
What’s wrong with an eye roll? Let her roll ‘em. Stop feeling responsible for her comfort. Agreed
This goes with Nop’s comments on the difference between negotiation and blackmail. IMO, you have the “one down” position right now in your M…….Restoring the balance will mean that BB has to give some things up and make some accommodations for you. That’s what you want, right? So why is that suddenly blackmail? When I said blackmail, I was wondering if that term was too strong. Maybe something like self-centered/selfish, with some "if you don’t do xyz there will be consequences."
No one likes to be in-your-face. I don’t like it. But I have learned that the more I put off confrontation, the higher the probability that I will eventually have to use it, and to a stronger degree that I otherwise would have to had I confronted issues before they blew up. In fact, doing just that is NOT in-your-face. It is simple, clean, up front boundaries. OK. I got your point C. It is being up front. It still looks/sounds confrontive to several forum readers. FWIW.
When I am starving I tend to shoot and not be as careful. When I am not starving, not sure of what the many outcomes might be, don't have a plan to manage some of the outcomes, I proceed more slowly.
So what’s your point? Are you saying you don’t know what to do with your M? Starving is a metaphor for being desperate. And yes, many times I don’t do things because of lack of positive outcomes. Some of the negative outcomes are perceived or related to past history.
. Nop’s dancing idea was great. But it scared the heck out of you so you didn’t do it. You stayed put. If you stay put, how will you ever know what works? If you don’t know what works, I can see why you don’t know what to do. It might work, but it might be another hole to climb out of.
It has two good parts that are good (building self confidence in me and could make BB see that other people like me more than she thinks) and it might look like me dabbling with the idea of having some female friends while putting BB in a less wifely role. IE me being a flirt.
The only difference I see between you and CeMar is where you want to go, though those two destinations are very similar. The similarity between you and he is that you both justify all sorts of reasons not to do something, anything. … have no reason to do since you have no idea how things could end up once you start going down the road. Yes, I like more certainty than many people. That is consistent with why I initially didn’t marry BB when she thought we were an item, Why I held off on some of our sexual activities, (wasn’t willing to risk PG) why I sold our first house before building our second house, why I don’t day trade on the stock market, how I turned $4K into $xxK.
But that uncertainty of where you will end up scares you so you make excuses not to go at all. Stop worrying about how bad things could get if you screw up, and look to how good things could be if you just did something, anything. I wouldn’t say I do “nothing.”
Some good news. No house talk recently. BB has been acting really satisfied. We had a “Peace Between the Sheets” evening, where I went a little farther than what the book describes. I put some steam on her clothes ala "I want a little sugar in my bowl Nina Simone http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZm0jYXZ_2I then had some sex another night. The sad part is I want more:0 Ha ha. No, that is normal!
I am almost through reading “Wild At Heart” Did it help? Do I see the writers points? In some areas.
