Am at the job site now in-between appointments, and my heart is ripping out again... I went to the office, and H had the covers to the bed spread out in the living room downstairs like he had been watching TV or something... my heart just starts thumping. Then, I notice that he took his suitcase that he brought back from his parents' house, so I'm sure it's now "over there," too... I don't know if I told you this, but he also brought his golf clubs back up to the office rather than taking them back home, I'm guessing so they're closer if he needs them again... I know, I know. No looking around and making myself hurt. This is why it's so hard for me to be up at the office... I honestly feel like I'm going to throw up right now...

Then, I get to the job site, and H is not here... I didn't really know whether to expect him to be here or not, and it's probably best that he's not. I am so tired today I can't even tell you (only got about 5 hours of sleep last night after my 4 hours of sleep the night before and my long day in the airport yesterday). I think I am just on overload and lack of sleep mode...

So now I just think about H spending all day with OW today, and it makes me sick (literally). Don't worry, I'm not going to drive by or anything to look for his car. That would about put me over the edge right now. AND I haven't checked his personal credit card anymore. That would also put me over the edge right now.

Sorry, I know I'm being negative and having a meltdown once again... AND H isn't seeing it. I HATE that he's choosing to spend any free time with her. And, before all of this happened, we usually worked on Sundays, too. So now that he's not doing that and spending time with her (I know, I don't know he's with her FOR SURE, but it's pretty likely), it just hurts that much more... And I guess there's a small part of me that just thought MAYBE he would come looking for me today, just to see how I was doing. I KNOW that's not realistic and that I should have no expectations. I know, I know. But I'm also being honest with you guys. I just can't help having some of these feelings and thoughts. The important thing is to keep them in check and to put on my smile when I do see H again, whenever that is...

I know I'm in a great position right now with all I've accomplished in the last several days, and I'm anxious to see H's reaction to all of it and to continue what I've been doing. Don't worry, I'm NOT going to backslide and freak out on him or anything (I save that for you guys LOL ;\) ) Just having another hard day. It feels like things are getting harder rather than easier right now, but I'm presuming that is because I'm working harder on the DB techniques, which in and of themselves hurt, and also that, as Virginia said, I feel a huge sense of loss and am hurting to much in my heart right now.

Gotta run to get ready for my next appointment. Thanks for letting me vent. Hopefully the hardest parts are over right now, except for seeing H, of course. Have tackled going home and have tackled the office now.

Have popped the Xanax, so all will be well soon...

Thanks, you guys.