My Heart's Journey into the Unknown

[princess_nic]

Hello all,

This will be long so please bear with me. I have a lot I need to get out of my head.

Before I begin, a couple of notes:

1) newbies: No R talk is always a good thing when you are DBing! I needed to tell my H some things that I had kept inside for a long time, and my M is over. I am DBing solely in order to keep a good R for my children and to get through the D, but not to get my M back.

2) I have been talking to my former T, and will go to see him next week. I have been quite depressed, but I don't need to change meds right now--this is, according to him, a normal process since I am only now truly grieving the loss of my M.



Okay, on to the meat of this post!

As noted above, I've been pretty bad emotionally. I finally told one of my classes b/c I kept promising them to correct a piece of work and just wasn't getting it back. I kept it together, but told them that I was going through a D and doing my best. I don't normally share personal stuff, but we've built up a R over the months, and they were very understanding.

I am eating, but also doing a lot of crying. However, the crying is purging. I cried a lot 19 months ago and got extremely depressed. But it was really about the shock of H leaving, the ow, the fear of my future, etc etc. This is about the end of my marriage. I had not accepted until now that my M was OVER. There is still an eensy-weensy shred of hope that this may somehow turn around, or we will get back together after a D, but it's very tiny. I need to go through this. I need to accept that my M is over and go on from there. As painful as it is, I have faith that I will come through it stronger than before.

H and I spoke for about 20 mins on Thursday. It wasn't pretty, but I said some things I felt I needed to. I told him that it hurt the way he looked like he'd won the lottery when I told him I was ready to go ahead with the LS. He said he was just happy I'd brought it up b/c he "didn't have the balls to do it."

I told him that one of the reasons I feel guilty/worthless is b/c of the way he treated for the last few years of our M. I said imagine if the person you loved looked at you with disdain, or didn't look at you at all--ignored you. He actually looked at the floor and said he was sorry.

I told him it killed me that he and his gf (I don't think of her as ow) were "playing happy family" every w/e, doing all the things *I* had wanted to do with *him* and the children, but that he was never interested in. He said he felt the same way, but imagined that I would find someone else, who would maybe even move in here and this man would spend more time with his kids than he would. He told me no one would ever replace me for the kids. [He didn't get that it wasn't just about the kids for me.]

He said he was going to be "very generous with the settlement," he "won't even ask for 50/50 custody b/c [he knows] it would kill [me]." Judges here love 50/50 and will go for it if either parent wants it, or even if they don't, but there's no status quo.

He kept telling me that I'd meet someone, or maybe I already have. I said no, I go out w/ friends, in groups, I meet men, but no one interests me. I've told him before that I don't date b/c I'm married, but he doesn't get that--doesn't think of us as married. He said I haven't been ready yet. Thanks for the therapy, jerk!!!

I was crying, and I said I didn't think I'd ever be able to trust a man again after what happened w/ us. He said, "Yes you WILL." I asked him how he knows that. He said, "Because not every man is like ME." He said this through gritted teeth, with a strange look on his face. Not mean towards me, but more disgusted w/ himself. I don't know if he meant that not all men would cheat or that other men would just leave me if they were unhappy.

I said that I told him everything about myself, everything. He said that he never used that against me. I said, "But you walked away. You walked away." He didn't say anything.

Finally, I told him that I know he doesn't want to come back, but I would still be willing to try again, even though it would be a lot more work than just starting fresh w/ someone else. He just nodded.

He said that this is the worst time, this is the bottom, it'll get better. How the F does he know? He never cried over this, that I can tell. But I guess I don't know.

I was sobbing by this time, and he said he wished he could help me. I just kept crying, and then he left me alone b/c S5 kept bugging us. I went to choir, which did help.

I know he still cares about me in some way, not like a husband. I guess like an old friend, yet we are not really friends. It is such a strange R.

When he picked up the kids yesterday, he was so happy. It made me sad. He is so much happier w/o me. I feel like all I do is ruin everybody's life. I lost it w/ D10 yesterday b/c I was so jealous of H's gf doing her hair. We both ended up in tears. This really is hell. It really is.

Some days I just want to give H full custody, the house, just run away somewhere, go to teach in Africa--I've always wanted to do that.

I still feel like this is all my fault, like I ruined his life. Otherwise, why would he be so happy w/ me gone? I picture him getting M again, and being the ideal H and father. Maybe he really has turned himself around. I don't know anymore.

Anyway, I have to go now. We're having a special healing service at church today, and I really want to be there.

I'll try to come back later to post to others,
Nicola