Thanks, guys. I had a long, horrid day at the airport and am so incredibly tired. I was there for 8 hours before I got on a flight, and all sweaty and yucky from having run my butt off from gate to gate! Ha! LOL
I finally made it home and am headed off to bed. Am in tears again, so Xanax is on the way. It was just flying in and driving home and not knowing what to expect when I got home. I know, no expectations, but I didn't know if he was going to have moved out, taken more stuff, etc., and didn't know if my heart was going to get ripped out any more... And I guess if I'm honest I kind of hoped he might have stayed here at least one night since I wasn't home??? I know, no expectations... So, I'm taking deep breaths, got my meds in me, and am writing to you guys and then going to watch some brainless TV before going to sleep so that I can relax. I have to get up early to get paperwork done and do the appointments that I missed today, so really need to get some rest, especially after my only fours hours of sleep last night!
It's going to be really hard going to the office in the morning, too, but after the initial go-around, I'll be okay. I don't know yet when I'm going to talk to H and move my office stuff back home, but probably on Monday or Tuesday.
I forgot to tell you one of the most important things Jody told me! I asked her how I should act/what I should say when I see H for the first time after getting back home. She said to say something like "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!" in a flirtatious, fun way, and JUST LEAVE IT AT THAT! If he pushes for more info, just keep going back to that but don't give him any details about what I did. She made a great comment; she said "why SHOULD you tell him what you did?" She's exactly right. This was a PERSONAL trip for me, and he doesn't tell me nor do I want to know about his personal life, so there you go!
Didn't have any contact with H today at all. No phone calls from him either. He did write me an e-mail around 5:30 tonight to tell me to disregard his previous e-mail (that I hadn't responded to yet) about the charge on the credit card, that the items had showed up. It was a short e-mail and to the point, no "hope your flight home is good" - nothing like that, but that's okay. I know he just doesn't know what the heck to do right now, which is a good thing.
Virginia, you hit the nail right on the head, just as you always do, when you said that I know I'm making progress but that at the same time I feel such an intense sense of loss sometimes - I think that is why the frequent meltdowns over the last couple of weeks. Thank you for helping me to clarify why I was having such intense emotions - both positive and negative, and thanks for telling me that you felt this, too - makes me not feel like such a ravin lunatic.... And, thanks for telling me that it DOES get better with time. I know that in my heart, just as all hard things we go through in life always get better with time, but this one is the hardest and longest I've ever been through. It's truly testing me as a person, AND I'll get through it... I thought about it on the way home tonight and resolved to cry when I needed to, scream, let it out, but NEVER around H ANY MORE! He can't see me weak, can't see me hurting. He can only see me strong and happy and think that I'm moving on with my life. I know that, and I don't want to backslide anymore.
One thing I talked to Jody about was that I wrote myself a note in the notes I made that the more I backslide, show desperation when he's around, pursue him, chase him, etc., etc., the longer it might take for him to come home. If I just remember that the better and faster I can do this and keep strong and fight this fight and work on me the sooner H will hopefully wake up and the sooner we can move on to this next stage of somehow putting this back together. Jody agreed and said that even the smallest backslide can set progress back months. I have to keep remembering that concept and draw strength from it every time I want to do an anti-DBing thing. I keep saying that I want this pain to end and to save my M - well, then I've got to do what it takes to DB and make progress and use my determination to work hard towards my goal. Cry when I need to and feel my emotions - I need to do that - but never around him. Start being more mysterious, less available, work on HEALING MYSELF so that I can get more strength to work on my self-confidence, self-respect, etc.
Okay, Xanax is kicking in again... Need to get some rest. Penny, thank you for being my "buddy in crime." It made me feel so good when you said that I give you strength. I feel so weak right now so much of the time, and to know that somehow you are still given strength when I'm going through hell is a miracle to me and gives ME more strength. Hang in there with me, okay?
Love you guys. Thank you for being there for me when no one else can be right now... I will never be able to put into words how much you all are helping me. I could never be doing the things I'm doing now without your encouragement. THANK YOU!
I'll let you know how things go tomorrow. It's going to be an interesting day... However, I may not even see H since - sometimes he works on Sundays at the job site, which is where I'll be all day, and sometimes he doesn't. However, if he IS at the job site, I've resolved to NOT go find him to say hi or anything. If he seeks ME out, great. If not, I'm going to do what I have to do and leave...
God, I'm listening... help me to hear... It's never too late for a miracle...
And, thanks for telling me that it DOES get better with time. I know that in my heart, just as all hard things we go through in life always get better with time, but this one is the hardest and longest I've ever been through. It's truly testing me as a person, AND I'll get through it... I thought about it on the way home tonight and resolved to cry when I needed to, scream, let it out, but NEVER around H ANY MORE! He can't see me weak, can't see me hurting. He can only see me strong and happy and think that I'm moving on with my life. I know that, and I don't want to backslide anymore.
Need to get some rest. Penny, thank you for being my "buddy in crime." It made me feel so good when you said that I give you strength. I feel so weak right now so much of the time, and to know that somehow you are still given strength when I'm going through hell is a miracle to me and gives ME more strength. Hang in there with me, okay? 
