You've come a long way. Good for you. Just wanted to pass on advice I got from my DB coach, which may or may not help in your sitch. But since your wife had a problem at work, it might have been the time for this. Here goes:
Keep the Road Home Paved and Smooth--don't make it any harder than it already would be.
Listen like a lover/friend. Validate her concerns even if you disagree with them. Applaud loudly for the 1% of good she does or says.
Once she feels "safe" to talk to you, partly b/c you WILL NOT bring up R talk, she'll share more. That builds on itself.
The OM is nothing but a bandaid and is of no importance. I know, easy for me to say. Just telling you not to waste a second of your life on him. At least indifference to him could be a goal.
And for the record, I've had 2 relatives divorce only to later remarry their former spouses. One of them had alcohol as a factor and I know they both got sober. Years later they remarried and are happy today. My aunt divorced her H and they remarried 5 years later, and when he dies last year of cancer, his wife and kids were at his side. It happens. In both cases, neither went too crazy/bitter/raging and both M's had kids, which meant continued long term contact like you have. She'll see the changes in you and the "blended" family crap will start to haunt her.
No mother is unmoved by the father of her children lovingly interacting with them. It matters. It is noticed even when not in front of her face. She'll hear the kids stories of their fun with you. I forgot what you are doing about custody and don't know the law there. But in this country, if you have a regular work schedule, you'd have a very good chance of getting them half time. Good luck on that and stay calm, and on your program. I've been through a 12 step program myself and I have a lot of love and good feelings about it. It takes courage and integrity to go thru what you have gone thru with the 4th step (?) "fearless moral inventory",etc. Although I found it so hard and so frightening, they ought to call it the "Fear FILLED moral inventory..." Oh, I have some wonderful cousins in Australia. Really wonderful people. One of them was widowed twice and when I asked her how she felt about losing two husbands, she said: "I'm so fortunate to have really loved two men and been really loved back..." Great PMA. (hugs) j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
